(Written 2/2011)
Every Sunday it happens.
I go into my office to print out the grocery list.
And find myself on the computer
Searching for……
a distraction,
a reason,
a gift,
something that will ease the unease.
I read the past week’s posts of the other widows.
I look at my emails.
I answer the ones that don’t take much out of me.
Finally, I refocus but not before I feel
Overwhelmed
by the emails
that require me to plan, to think, to notice that I have to do it again
alone.
I have to make lists that will get checked off
by
me.
Before I get stuck in overwhelm, I force myself to remember what I came in for.
I print out the grocery list and begin the routine.
Weeks meal plan
Three grocery stores
To Do List for the week
Every Sunday, I feel empty and alone.
Every Sunday I use my computer as a way to run from it
and every Sunday it doesn’t work.
This Sunday I went further
I tried ice cream, hoping the cold creaminess will make me
forget the
cold
emptiness.
It didn’t.
So I tried alcohol.
Hoping the gentle relaxation would allow me to weather the
insecurities, the fear, lesson the weight of the world that not only sits on my shoulders
but my spine,
my stomach and
my knees.
It doesn’t.
I call a neighbor. “Do you have anything?” I ask.
He runs me up a little something to smoke.
I look at it. I go to light it and I stop.
I know it won’t work either.
So I call this guy I know. This friend.
Strong hands, a comforting hug, a good kisser
I go to him.
I want to know that I matter to another man.
I want to feel his arms around me, to sink into the testosterone, the power
the protectiveness of him.
It works
but only for a little while.
I get back into my car
And I am crying
And praying to God
“Please help me!
I can’t do this anymore. I can’t take the weight, I cannot make one more decision on what we will eat this week by myself I can’t!”
And even as I say it, I know I am lying.
I’ve done it every Sunday for over 52 of them. I can do it for 100s more.
Every Sunday I wonder, is this it?
Is this what surviving grief looks like?
Is this what I worked so hard to get too?
Really?
No, I don't believe this is it. It can't be for me. And it can't be for you. There are times I still feel like shit, but no, I don't think this is it. {(Hug)}
ReplyDeleteExactly!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteso true for many of us,act this way, feeling just this way this week asking God for a similiar escape. Thanks for the post! Let's me know as usual I am not alone!
ReplyDeleteSo true, it's like your reading my mind, feeling my thoughts.....
ReplyDeleteOh My God Kim! Like anonymous above - I feel like you read my mind. I was walking around this empty house thinking "this is it? Surrounded by things and wanting nothing".
ReplyDeleteI was just listening to "hope there is someone" by Anthony and the Johnson's. Feeling so alone I can barely breathe. Your honesty about what it really feels like is so moving and so true.
Everyday I stand up and walk and when I crawl into bed at night - empty and tired I think "another day, I made it through another day" but sometimes, sometimes, I just don't want to do it anymore.
So feeling desperate I come here once again to the space where there are others who feel this way too and I want to believe - this is not it. There has to be a time when I will find some peace with what has happened to our lives.
Thank you - all of you.
So true. Sunday is the hardest day of the week. Even if I go out, I'm doubly sad when I come home. Plus Sunday was the day I lost him, and in over a year of Sunday's I have never forgotten first thing in the morning. There is no choice but to keep moving through the blackness and hope tomorrow is a better day. Love to all of you, and wishes for a happier tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteThanks Kim for again expressing what I am feeling. Why are the weekends so bad? Why is everday so bad? Now have one of my sons who just graduated from college back living with me and wondering what is for dinner evernight. Want to do it for him but it's so hard. Working full time for the first time in 25 years. Really? Not interested in cooking dinner. Wodering what will make each day a little bit bearable... xanax, wine, ambien? Maybe a little of each. No husband. Really? Way too many decisions and too much stress. Really? This is not how I can live the rest of my life. What happened to the world ending yesterday. Seemed like a good idea to me.
ReplyDeleteIt's Sunday, and it's a very hard day to get thru, the day when "we" would try to sit back and rest and enjoy each other's company. Now I just returned from eating a "Big Mac" a mortal sin for an italian girl growing up with big Sunday dinners with family all around -now I'm alone, looking forward to going work tomorrow which is not something I looked forward to in the past - its was the weekends I'd look forward to. I to am wondering why the world didn't end yesterday I was hoping this would be true, I would be with my love again happy and at peace, this is hard, painful and really wonder if this is it going forward, it sure doesn't seem like a good enough reason to hang in here.
ReplyDeleteI still believe that the hardest part of all of this is that for the most part people around just do not undertstand. I have lost my enthusiasm for anything and things I use to want and look foward to doing. And yet, I am still greatful that finiancial I do not have to worry at all. A job, I like. I use to wonder how I could feel grateful, yet still feel so sad! But then, I realized that being grateful, does not meant I will miss him any less- it really does not change a thing! I know there will be better days, because I have even had one or two where I could almost say I felt happy! It just is not today!
ReplyDeleteTo anon who ate the Big Mac...I hear you because after 28 years of cooking every night, I suddenly found it very hard even to go grocery shopping. I finally figured out that without a family to shop for, it was a pretty sad endeavor. I'm trying a little harder because I'm tired of being so pathetic! I've recently set a goal for myself to go back to church every Sunday (I tried before but without my love it was too sad) and grocery shop afterward and at least have some food in here to start the week. I work full time also and I always cook a decent dinner on weekend nights. I can't believe I went from superwife/housekeeper to eating cheezits for dinner. Now I'm trying to climb back up to normal one step at a time. It's all incredibly hard but I have great bursts of determination. I'm glad this community is here for support, I can see I'm far from alone in having the Sunday blues.
ReplyDeleteI can so relate to this, weekends as the worse, so lonely, I only spoke to the checkout girl at the grocery store on Saturday, its just over six months and I keep thinking it is going to get worse, what is there to look forward to? I used to love cooking for us at weekends, now I eat ready meals, all I want is to be held and wanted, Kim you are lucky at least you know a guy who can give you a hug and a cuddle. Hope you find some peace and happiness soon.
ReplyDeleteThank you Kim! You write this blog because we are left doing what we know how to do..and you know how to WRITE. Your love would of been proud of you. I am proud of you, I have tears in my eyes because you nailed what my Sundays are like. No more good morning hugs and rolling over to go back to sleep together, that word stings - there is no TOGETHER it is just me holding down the fort. It feels like a battle every morning, no peace in sight, occasionally I find some joy, but it is short lived, without him here, nothing happens unless I make alot of effort to do it all myself....well this post struck a nerve because I found myself writing until the tears where streaming down my face. I will save you from the drearyness of it. Except to say Thank you and may we meet at widows camp and at least it will be one Sunday to look forward to.
ReplyDeleteYour words echo me. I search for something to occupy my time. Friday a male co-worker asked to use my jacuzzi for a sore shoulder injury. Needless to say I was shocked by my urge to be held and loved. We teased each other and parted but now I'm suddenly very aware of my need to find comfort in another mans arms. It's been almost two years since mark died and after so many tears I feel ready to start enjoying life again. I thought volunteer work, movies with friends, now all I want is someone to tell me they want me. I feel so vulnerable and eager. Now if I can only kep my screwed on and not make any big mistakes...
ReplyDeleteSundays are the worst, aren't they? Especially once it gets into the afternoon and evening. I've started doing a "family dinner" with a close circle of friends one Sunday a month, and *those* Sundays I love. I wanted to do it every week, but everyone else is too busy, wants to keep the rest of their Sundays free to spend with their loved ones who are still alive.
ReplyDeleteBitter? Me? Nah.
SO TRUE! I always have a hard time on the weekend. They are supposed to be for families and my family is not complete. I love my kids but crave adult conversation and the companionship of my best friend! It is hard to fill in the hole in your heart when you feel their absence. I still find grocery shopping one of the hardest things to do. It is tedious. It was a while before I could make it through the grocery store without crying. Funny how simple things like food can send you over the edge!
ReplyDelete