Tuesday, May 24, 2011


I think for a long time I thought that I'd feel happiness through some sort of thick membrane - see it, sort of touch it, and even be able to experience it in a distant way, but I doubted I'd ever feel genuinely happy again. I was certain the lessons that life had taught me would keep me removed from true happiness - I just wouldn't be able to let it in, or I'd always be waiting for the doom to set in.

Thankfully, I'm a pretty happy person by nature, and as the weeks, months, and years ticked by I returned to my more naturally happy self. I think Grayson has been a huge part of that transition. It's tough to stay sad and scared about the future when faced with the daily joys of a small boy who loves his life regardless of the tragedy he's experienced. It rubbed off on me, and I'm forever grateful for it.

I did doubt that I'd ever find love again, and I said that out loud to more than one friend. I just figured it wouldn't happen for me. I had it good once, I shouldn't expect it a second time. I didn't really want it. I was too afraid of the reality: we die. There is 100 percent chance that my next relationship will end in death, either his or mine. That thought was a daunting one. Being widowed sucks. Being widowed twice? God help me. I was afraid. I'm not generally a shrinking violet, so fear isn't usually a good demotivator for me. This time though, this fear...it was a big one. I didn't realize how scared I was until I was suddenly faced with Carl. The right guy. The one who I could really see a future with, and he was clearly on board with a future with me. Holy crap. Now what?

Imagine a woman who thinks her way out of most problems...imagine this woman analyzing the undeniable logic of death.

  • Death happens, it sucks, but there is only one way into this world, and one way out of it.

  • We all die.

  • I'm afraid of losing people I love.

  • If I don't love people, then death won't hurt so much.

    Clearly the logical solution is to avoid love. When people die (and they will die) it won't be nearly as painful if you don't love them. My brain saw the logic, but fortunately for me, my heart didn't buy the argument. My heart had already made the leap of faith while my brain was still mulling it over. I think that's why they call it falling in love - you don't actually look around and choose to jump - your heart pushes you off the cliff before your brain knows what's going on and suddenly you're falling.....

    I still can't quite believe my luck. I'm stunned. I'm ridiculously happy. I'm shocked by it all and oh so thankful. Thank goodness my heart took over months ago and told my scared logical brain to shut the hell up. Thank goodness when the question was asked, my heart jumped for joy, and my brain said "Yes" without a single doubt. I said Yes! :)

    Happy Tuesday!

    1. CONGRATULATIONS!! I realize I don't know you, but have been following you on this blog for long enough that I feel like I do! The honestly and true gut feelings that you have shared on this blog makes me feel like I know you even better than some of my actual friends!! Having said that...I can honestly say I am so happy for you! Your news has gotten my day off to such a great start!
      Thank you so much for sharing your life with us. Nothing but the best wishes and many prayers to you for the happy future you deserve.

    2. Congratulations, Michelle!! What wonderful news!! =)


    3. How wonderful for you; may each step you take lead the way to peace--in the world and in your hearts.

    4. Awesome! Congratulations and thanks for sharing! I know it's likely tough sometimes to post that you're happy on a widow's blog. (Some of us don't want to hear it some days!)

      But we do need to hear it! That the possibility is there. That never loving again so we won't be hurt this way again, isn't the answer.

      We do all die. We knew that was true before we fell in love and married our husbands, and that didn't stop us then. It shouldn't stop us now.

      I'm nowhere near the point of considering dating again, but still hope that I might be lucky enough to find love again.

      Thanks for the post

    5. I am so happy for you! Blessings. Enjoy every minute, as you really deserve happiness. We all do:)

    6. Every single word you wrote could have come directly from me. I too was feeling the same way, but so happy I said, "yes". Yes to the chance at second love again. I knew I was too young to live the rest of my life alone. I still wanted the happy ending, to share life with someone, to cry and laugh with, and be a part of the whole once again. I am so happy for you - Cheers to another happy ending! xoxox

    7. Thanks for giving us all hope that we will lovw again and even be happy about it!

    8. Beautiful! Love! Love! Love!
      Yes to Life!
      Yes to Love!
      Yes for knowing the truth "none of us get out alive" but choosing still to Love.

      You are so brave to dare to be happy. Congratulations.

    9. Oh Michelle...what a beautiful, beautiful post. And so true. Wishing you love that continues to invite change, hope and adventure. xoxo