the early worries,
physical in nature,
disappeared long ago.
it's impossible to know
that she was born
7 weeks early,
but now it's the emotional
that i most worry about.
honesty is the route
i've chosen with her,
no stories,
just facts,
which (i believe) will be
helpful later,
but it doesn't make
now very easy.
a few weeks ago
(out of nowhere)
she said,
"my mommy died and now you are with me."
a simplified understanding
for sure, but
an understanding.
i think it would
be easier to have
some sort of
happy explanation for
her, some sort of
hopeful narrative
drawn from centuries
of folklore,
but i'm a non-believer
and that means
that i don't
have any mythology
to help her
interpret the world
around her.
just my version
of the truth, based
on science and experience.
it doesn't mean
i'm right or wrong,
and it's not a judgement
on how others
deal with their lives,
but it's how
i've chosen to handle things.
and this?
consider it my treatise
for raising
my child.
oh.
and it's my response
to the old man who,
after a talk i gave
(during which i discussed many things, including my lack of religion and how i choose to handle telling maddy about her mom),
stood in line
(ostensibly to get his book signed)
and said to maddy,
"do you want to know where your mommy really is?"
'no!" she yelled
back at him.
i was ready to pounce,
not to tell him
he's wrong,
(because i refuse to pass judgement on such things)
but to protect my daughter.
her response
made me think
that i should wait,
that i should let
her take care of things.
he tried again.
"leave me alone!" she
yelled back at him.
he persisted.
(this 3-year old can clearly handle herself)
but i stepped in
and politely told him
to go away.
i wanted to say
something far different,
but i bit my tongue.
my daughter's response
though, had me worried
less about her
emotional state
than the mental
state of this old man.
i still signed
his book
(i even wrote something nice inside).
i looked over at
her and she
was happily playing with
her new pirate toys,
unfazed by what had
just happened.
obviously her response
to the man was
more about the fact
that she hadn't
slept much over the
past few days
and that he was
interrupting her
playtime, but i can't
help but think
i'm raising a fiercely
independent child
who will stick up
for her beliefs
(whatever they may eventually be, and even if they end up differing from mine).
Geez....the nerve of some people. Ugh.
ReplyDeletegood for you. good for her.
ReplyDeleteYou did the right thing. Your kid is impressively badass for a 3-year-old.
ReplyDeleteHe probably would have freaked her out by talking about how her mommy is in heaven, and telling her about where she would go without being saved, which is hell. From my own experience being raised evangelical, the second one of those creepy adults gets around a child without their parents, they start pushing fear onto the kids and scaring the shit out of them. Not good.
Good for you Matt! (and you are more man than me...oh right, you really are!) That man had no business forcing his idea on where "mommy is" on you, Maddy or anyone else. Sometimes I say to someone "I wish Art could see ..." and some people will say "Oh he can. Trust me he can." And I want to scream at them! The anger is from a place of how dare you put your beliefs on me. Just like widowhood...we manage our grief differently. How dare someone say "This is the way to do it."
ReplyDeleteWhy do so many of us do that? Imposing our belief system on others? The irony, of course, is that they bristle at those who share a differing view, yet don't hesitate to preach their own again the first chance they get. They don't see it's the same thing.
ReplyDeleteIf you want to help someone through grief, support them where they are. Respect their beliefs or keep your mouth shut!
I congratulate your daughter for speaking up. Such a composed little girl. Well done, Maddy!
Explaining death to young, young children - and trying to incorporate your own beliefs (whatever they may be) - is hard enough without added input confusing matters.
ReplyDeleteI've usually found it to be quite innocent and well meaning, but it still doesn't make it any easier when people have taken it upon themselves to give their views on where Daddy is without asking me first - whether it be heaven or simply in the ground.
It's upsetting that this person clearly had knowledge of Matt's choice of explantation to Maddy (and Maddy's disinterest in hearing anything else) and tried to push his views . . . but it sounds like you both handled it perfectly =) Good on ya!
~C~
She will be fine.
ReplyDeleteMy nearly nine year old was informed by a little friend recently that she would go to hell for not believing in Jesus. My daughter matter of factly said, "No I won't." She didn't try to reason with her friend and wasn't disrespectful but she was quite firm. She knows what she believes. Kids like this are a marvel to me b/c I wasn't nearly as confident as a child.
Good for Maddy and for you, though I wouldn't have been nearly as sanguine with that old man as you were.
That was an unfortunate experience. When my child was little (long before I lost my husband) it seemed like no matter where I went someone was popping up with unsolicited advice. If she started to cry, someone would walk up and say "poor baby, you're so tired" or some such nonsense. I used to feel like a walking target and just wanted to be left alone. It's hard, but try to rise above and keep moving. You both handled it well, you did not sink to his level.
ReplyDeleteThat's what happens when someone acts from a "fear based" kind of thinking. I wish they would just keep their mouth shut....Urgh!!
ReplyDeleteIt amazes me how arogant people can be. To think that their opinion MUST be heard. It's ironic because they think they are enriching others - really its just their selfish needs being fulfilled. Sad.
ReplyDeleteIt amazes me how so many think that you need to believe exactly as they do. Good for you and good for Maddy! From the way you describe Liz, she sounds a lot like her mom!
ReplyDelete