Monday, May 9, 2011

In Between


I'm currently in between jobs. Because I wasn't exactly sure when my new job would begin, I had to play it cautiously, and give two week's notice to my most recent employer. It was a matter of jumping through many pre-employment hoops, then play the waiting game of all the required documentation to be returned to the Human Resources office, for them to then schedule my initial orientation. Well, all the doc's didn't return as quickly as I would have liked, so now I have two weeks of no work to deal with.

Everyone was keeps telling me how fortunate I am to suddenly have two weeks free. Everyone seems to think that having time on my hands is a good thing. Everyone but me.

You know, I'm doing really well these days. I'm making all kinds of progress, feeling good about myself, and making strides to propel my life forward. What most don't understand is that it is all very carefully choreographed, and the slightest change can set off a flood of emotion. I need my daily life to be full. I need to keep busy. Too much time, and the flood gates come crashing down. It's sad to admit this, but it is so true.

Open time. Free time, creates cracks in the facade of strength. Tears can overcome me at any given moment. Just today, I'm driving back from paying my mother a Mother's day visit. It's a two hour drive home, and my 12 year old is fast asleep in the seat next to me. It's too quiet in the car, and it's too damn quiet in my head.


I come home, and find a huge, I mean three feet by tw0, card, with a lovely bouquet of roses, sitting on my front porch. It is a Mother's day gift from my daughter, letting me know that I'm the best mother she could possibly have. A big smile on my face. Then without much thought, massive amounts of tears.

Why does this have to happen? I look at the beautiful flowers, and think about the roses I used to receive from Michael on every special occasion.

Massive amounts of tears.

I pick myself off the bed, go wash my face, and tell myself to just keep moving.

As I previously said, I'm really doing quite well these days. I'm not just in between jobs, I'm in between the world of being widowed, and being single. I've joined the world of Internet dating. I learned early on that loudly stating my widowed status was a real turn off to most guys. I changed my profile to appear less dark, aiming for something a bit more uplifting, which my life actually is, and placed the fact that I am widowed further into the description. It feels like a better fit actually.

I am learning to become more comfortable with my in between status. I don't always need to be hiding at home in my mourning clothes. I can reclaim my fun and sensual side, shed the darkness, and can even be a bit flirtatious. I'm enjoying the pursuit. I'm finding that it is better to pursue others, than sit at home feeling less desirable as the widowed guy. I'm finding that when talking to new guys, I can quite comfortably talk about what I am looking for in a potential relationship, and at the same time talk about what I am going through with the loss of my spouse. It feels quite geniune actually.

Being in between is kind of freeing. I don't have to feel married to any particular role, rather, just be who I am, and speak from where I am, at that given moment. Is it always going to feel this way? Maybe not. Yet, just knowing that it doesn't always have to be gloom and doom, is a good awareness to have. So, for me, a good place to be right now, is in between.


  1. Dan, I also feeling similiar to what you are going through. but I also realized that those down times were a necessary part of my recovery. Thought I was handling things well, when I heard an infomerical play a long from a song "How am I suppose to live without you, now that I have been loving you for so long"- just started balling- could not help it.I also feel like the status of widow on match scares people off, but saying you are divorced/never married not true either! I am always wondering what is it in my profile that does not draw attention or the wrong attention, but where else do you meet people. Rejection online sometime feels worse, since they do not even really get to know you before they say no! Plus half the people are not serious about finding a relationship- they are just widow shopping! I just have to keep telling myself that when someone new is meant to show up he will!

  2. I hear you about crying in the car. I always feel bad coming home from any holiday occasion or fundraiser, etc. Reminds me of all the times we would come home together and he would look so great in suit and tie and we'd have a drink and dish about the evening. Walking in the house alone in dressy clothes feels like hell, it magnifies all that I have lost. And you're right, it doesn't take much to make the carefully constructed house of cards come tumbling down, I've been thrown back into acute grief a few times, especially when people disappoint me or I feel disrespected. Right or wrong, I always default to thinking "they wouldn't dare treat me that way if my husband were here." And they wouldn't! Hate feeling vulnerable, it's made me a little more aggressive with people. It's all hard, that's the bottom line. It was so lovely having a constant best friend. Good luck to you, at least we can share our woes.