Friday, May 20, 2011


Painting from here...

As humans, it seems that we all expect to have more than we do. More possessions. More time. More love. More help.

I don't know if it's just my human-ness that makes this desire for more so prevalent...or if the fact that I am a widow makes this expectation almost obsessive.
I have quite happy having few possessions, however (or at least I think I am until I want a new pair of jeans....).

But I had expected life as an adult, a parent, a wife to be different.
And even after finding myself widowed, I had expected that I would be able to hack it with grace, strength and alone.

But really, I had expected more. More time with Jeff. More help in the yard. More rest. More money to be able to fund dance lessons and hockey practise.

I have expected myself to be able to give everything of myself to my children - I mean, face it, they didn't expect to here with only one parent who often does a losey job in the patience and time department. So I let them sleep with me even if this means I lose my sleep. I let them eat my share of the dinner occasionally if they are still hungry and I have food left on my plate. I forgo a night out with friends because of the guilt I feel for leaving them with someone else when I could certainly be home.

And then, often, I begin to feel worn out. Frustrated and sorry for myself. Poor me.

I wish I could get to a place that I always could not expect anything. To just "be". And to exist in what has unfolded in front of me without regrets or expectations. Because maybe the energy it takes to imagine life "as it should be" just takes the energy out of enjoying it as it is.


  1. you last line says it all...

  2. Ditto, the last three lines are it for me to0.

    BTW - I am the best at having pity parties for myself and on some days it just becomes a must have.

    Thank you Jackie!

  3. Such Wisdom. To be rather than to want, to do, to dream, to hope.
    to just be for a short time in order to feel what that is really like, without all of the expectations of others and for ourselves.
    I had a thought the other day, at the end of five hours of yard work. I realized that there is a part of me that feels i have to earn my happiness now. Because I am the one still alive and my husband is gone.
    It is almost as if I don't feel I have the right to rest, or sleep, or to just be.
    I have been left with "more" - more possessions, experiences, family, time and because of that I have trouble just "being" rather than "doing" because the doing is the price I pay for being the one left behind.
    I am so tired, all of the time.
    I was cleaning out the closets today of my husbands things and shocked to find newer grief waiting just behind the door.
    Will it ever be better?
    Will I ever feel I don't have to pay for my life with misery because I didn't die and he did? Will I ever stop wanting HIM?

    Thank you Jackie. I have one expectation that did get satisfied. I sat down at the computer - exhausted, so lonely and depressed and I came here, as I do everyday. To just be with other widows and this community is a place I can just be. Thank you so much.

  4. WOW! Did I ever need to read this. My present feelings exactly and I really thought it was just me. Lately I have earnestly prayed for contentment, period. I know I have to be missing everyday blessings because I can't get past my obsession over my expectations. I am sorry you, too, have to deal with these emotions, but so THANKFUL not to be alone in dealing with this.

  5. the exhaustion is so extreme it is hard to get through the day when there is so much to do...and doing it alone is not the way it should be.