Courage, Time, and the Number 20

Last week I celebrated what would have been my 20th wedding anniversary...and by celebrate I mean I worked a 15 hour day and spent almost no quality time with anyone outside of work.  I did have a quiet glass of wine with Carl, but both of us were exhausted, we went to bed almost immediately.  I left the next day for Camp Widow - and toasted my anniversary with 6 fabulous widows and it seemed right in a very wrong way...I'm sure you know what I mean.  Had Daniel lived, I would never have met all of the fantastic people I've met along my widow path. 

It's an interesting overlapping universe.  I sat in my kitchen with my new husband of 6 months on the day that would have been my 20th anniversary with my late (usually late actually ;-) husband.  It didn't feel wrong, in fact it felt oddly right.  My life was changed radically by cancer and then again by a horrible early death....and yet, I am still here.  I am still alive and I'm making it the best life I can make it.

I don't know that I would have ever described myself as courageous before this experience.  Watching Daniel's courage and determination in the face of ungodly odds inspired me in a way I'll never be able to adequately describe.  In my darkest days I would tell myself - "he struggled with every breath to live - you won't honor his battle if you waste your life or Grayson's - he'd come down here and kick your ass if he could." Sometimes it was the only thing that could get me going (although I will admit to thinking "bring it! go ahead and come down here and kick my ass - at least I'll get to see you!").

Meeting and talking to so many new widows at camp, I was transported back to a time when I was so raw in my loss and so incredibly horribly sad.   I don't have to imagine it, in meeting some of you, I felt it all over again.  It was a powerful emotional reaction.  Those first years are such hard work.  It makes me cry just thinking about it.  Had it existed, I don't know that I would have had the courage to attend Camp in the first couple of years, even though I desperately needed it.  I'm in awe of the widows who came from everywhere, you my friends are courageous!

I don't usually brag on myself, but I'll admit I'm proud of how far I've come.  It's only been possible because of my widow friends and our daily acts of courage - just getting out of bed!  It's been quite the journey and I know it will continue to be challenging - it's life and death after all.  I'm just glad I'm here, living every day with as much energy as I can and appreciating it for all it's worth.  I'm glad that Carl saw all the bags I had packed behind me and had the courage to take it all on!