The farm kitchen
Greg was a hoarder.
His entire family were / are hoarders.
For example...
- My brother-in-laws friends made him a "new engine" out of cardboard and tin-cans as a joke for his 21st birthday. This enormous construction took pride of place above Greg's parents TV ..... for 17 years!
- My mother-in-law kept every single Reader's Digest magazine she ever bought: she began buying monthly editions in the 1950s. O.o
- Newspapers were kept to use as kindling in the stove.... there was always a huge pile of papers in the kitchen.
- Ice-cream tins from the 1960s graced the top of the kitchen counter.
I think it comes from living on a farm and knowing the intrinsic value inherent in "stuff". "Stuff" that can fix other "stuff" or be re-purposed.
Greg would prefer the term "collector of things", and I thank the Universe that most of his "useful stuff" and "collections of things" was kept in a shed at the farm.
Much of it consists of car, motorbike and tractor parts which I have always accepted as necessary hoarding as it is hard to find parts for classic vehicles.
My darling sister-in-law (a champion hoarder herself) has taken to bringing me "important things" that belonged to Greg from where they were stored at the family farm. This of course is the trickle-down effect of Greg's mother's death (exactly a year to the day before Greg's death). The possessions of a long-term hoarder are slowly being broken down into allotments, lest any of us forget their original owner.
Some of the things are cute and endearing - a picture from Sunday School, school photos, other trinkets.
But dancing sunflowers that were kitch in the 80's and the ugliest faux-rock sculpture that Hong-Kong has ever produced???
They hurt my eyes with their ugliness.
.
.
.
....and yet, I keep them anyway.
Things that I had always offered to "accidentally break" (and toss in the bin) when Greg was alive are suddenly things I can't bear to part with. If they were important enough for him to have kept from his childhood, who am I to toss them out?
A lewd and disgusting mug he gave me before we had children? I can't use it or even leave it anywhere the kids might see it .... but neither can I part with it as it was one of the first gifts he gave me.
I think hoarding is catching.... or perhaps it is something that goes hand-in-hand with widowhood. Holding on to the things that were important to them as a way of keeping the link, the memory, the contact alive.
I part with things now and again, but it is such a bittersweet, gut-wrenching process.
But it is a process.
Small steps.
Recognising that I have re-homed much of his "useful stuff" and sold three of his motorbikes.
Recognising that I have passed most of his clothes onto charity.
Recognising that I will never be able to part with his classic car. Ever.
Eventually, I will reach a point of feeling happy with what I have saved and what I have let go.
....but I'm not there yet.
Let's just hope I reach that point before I catch full-blown Hoarder's Syndrome and end up barricaded into my house by boxes of things I can't bear to part with.
Anyone else have a case of Hoarder's Syndrome where their spouse's belongings are concerned?
yes - this describes what I have been going through perfectly. I passed on the wheelchair and most of the clothes (not the favorite outfit we loved (my duaghter and I)and some recent books he wast not attached to. But the 10 box cutters, and million types of pens, screwdrivers....assortment of tools and office supplies..., collection of Tom Clancey books well they are either exactly where they were when he died or in a big red tool chest. They are a part of him and I'm happy to keep it and and the memories that go with it as part of my life. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteGreg had a lot of tools. I've given some away to someone who I knew would appreciate them (old tools that only fit old machinery), but I am keeping everything else for our son.
DeleteIn the days after, handing me matt's knee pads, a friend said, "it's weird what becomes precious isn't it." Little evidences of his being alive.
ReplyDeleteI have the glass jug of milk we'd bought two days before - still in the fridge three years later. I can't get rid of it. It represents our domestic life, the life I used to have. I've given away a lot of his things, but the super personal tiny evidences of daily life, they are harder to let go.
it is so strange the things i hang onto also...Megan, I have two energy drinks in the fridge that were his...seven + years later...only the kids and I know, but I can't seem to get rid of them.
DeleteI have a couple of bottles of a midori cruiser Greg brought home because he thought I'd like them (neither of us ever drank much). They are still in the fridge along with a bottle of wine he bought on holiday years ago. Can't drink them, can't throw them out.
DeleteI think the milk will have to go when I move, though I know it will be hard. Weird hard. But schlepping a glass bottle of three+ year milk across country might be, uh, a little too much.
DeleteMy late husband was also somewhat of a hoarder. Fortunately for me, many in his family are as well, and were happy to take most of his things. I've kept just a few very special items for myself.
ReplyDeleteAhhh - handy to have someone else take some of the precious things!
DeleteSure do...I even saved his socks, the same ones I used to complain about when he left them on the floor dirty. I would give anything to be able to go pick those things off the floor again :(
ReplyDeleteoh YES... socks and blue singlets. I have actually worn a few of his blue singlets to bed this past winter because they feel like a hug.
DeleteI purged my parents house, they lived through the depression so of course kept everything. It was hard to start the process of what to keep and what to let go of, but once we got going it got easier. Did the same with my inlaws. That was a bit easier until I came to the freezer in the garage (not working) with a dead animal in it. Never did finish in the garage, we sold it "as is".
ReplyDeleteMy husband, too, was a hoarder, you never know when you might need a power tool part, even though he bought new tools, he had to keep the old. Pieces of lumber from various jobs, bundles of miss matched shingles, now no one wants them as they have sat for years, boxes of electrical wire, cans and cans of paint, the list goes on and on. I have yet to get to the back of the shed after 2 years.
I, too, had that same anniversary day death to deal with, my Mom died one year to the day that my husband did. Still wondering what the higher forces were thinking when that happened. Good luck with all your "stuff", it does get easier to let it go, I keep saying "if you don't use it, lose it".
Sometimes I think its too cruel to have to deal with both deaths on the same day, but then I think that it lets his siblings have one day of remembrance instead of two.
DeleteOh Amanda I absolutely suffer from Hoader's syndrome when it comes to my husbands things. And yes, all the stupid stuff, that is worthless to many but were prized possessions to him. I know when I eventually move most of this clutter will have to go, but for now I am enjoying having it around.
ReplyDeleteThanks!!!
Yes - I think it reminds me of him. I have changed a LOT of things, but having the constants there helps.
DeleteSomeone at Camp Widow suggested taking pictures of the special items and load them to disc. I know it's not the same but it certainly would save space while still holding onto the memory.
ReplyDeleteI think I need to touch the things .... and smell them. I'm not sure that a photo would be enough for me.
DeleteI can definitely relate. My husband had all kinds of things that I would never have kept - until he passed. He's only been gone 6 months and I recently moved. I was struggling with how to go through everything. I finally decided if I wasn't positive I wanted to get rid of something, it was coming with me. That included boxes of things that had never been unpacked as he got sick just 6 weeks after I took a job in a new town, while we were still in a Residence Inn. My new basement and garage are very full!
ReplyDeleteI think it is a process. A little at a time.
Deletemy husband was a "collector" of sorts too. I have baseball hats, t shirts, matches...all that weave the path of his journey...hard to part with these things, that I once thought were just taking up valuable space...now, they tell his story...
ReplyDeleteYes - the story in the things sometimes only comes to me when I can touch them...
DeleteMy husband was not a hoarder, but I did come across some funny things - like a textbook his sister had gotten in college...30 years ago! I did not have much opportunity to hoard anything myself - I had to sell the condo, put everything in storage, and make some fast decisions on what to keep and what to toss. My storage closet is full of his stuff (enough T-shirts for about 10 quilts, all his suits, and a variety of Little League and tennis trophies, plus a library's worth of books on WWII), but I plan on going through it all again with a critical eye. I'm just finishing "What Remains" and the line the title comes from struck a chord with me - what remains are the stories. So now I plan on gathering as many as I can and assembling them in a book for myself and our son.
ReplyDeleteStories. YEs, the stories are what are important. I find they come to me when I can hold onto the "stuff" I have kept.
ReplyDeleteThis is still a struggle for me.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn’t consider Dave a hoarder, but he did have A LOT of stuff.
I have given away and donated much of Dave’s things, but even after 26 months still have an overwhelming amount left. I think I’m motivated, but then when it comes right down to it, I always find something else to do instead of the necessary purging of our drawers and closets and basement and garage and shed.
I waffle back and forth weekly over whether or not to move, but in my heart I know it’s time to leave as this house and property is too much for me alone. (The upkeep and maintenance makes me feel like it owns me, not vice versa.)
So, I’d like to get things in a little better shape as far as purging goes, so I’m not rushed and filled with regret when I finally list our home of 17 years.
I need to resolve to start sorting things into boxes to give to specific people and just DO it, and donate the rest.
I’m surprised that none of his family members have asked for anything – NOTHING, to remember him by...
I’ll still offer though. They just might feel awkward about asking. And they all live out of town. I rarely see them anymore.
Also whenever I have offered things to family or friends I always make a point of telling them that they’re not obliged to take it whatsoever! That I understand that it might feel awkward or weird, or they just might not want to store it and keep it.
So, this is a timely post Amanda! It’s a long weekend coming up and I have no big plans soooo.... I am now resolving to once again tackle at least a small part of Dave’s things again!
Wish me luck!
My husband never threw anything away. He carried boxes, trunks, tea chests with him from house to house. We have been in our present home 17 years and many boxes have never been opened. Now, almost 1 year after his sudden death, I am going through boxes of letters and cards from his life before he met me. We were together 25 years, but he was 40 when I met him. Looking at the letters and cards from his previous marriage and relationships has depressed me today. I feel it is unfair that he never threw these away, and that I have the burden of going through them. However, if I go back far enough I find some treasures for myself and the kids.
ReplyDeleteat two years out I made a vignette of things my husband loved or used daily, and took a photo of it. One day I will move, and have to pack it away or...but I will still have the photo of my Keith's favorite things. That I can take with me wherever I go. Sometimes I take a copy with me when travelling.
ReplyDelete