One of the comments on my post from last Monday got to me. It stuck in my brain and will rattle around in there until I write about it.
She said that a woman in her grief group had a mantra she'd repeat to herself over and over again. Her mantra was "My husband died. I didn't".
Yesterday, somebody who means a great deal to me reminded me that my life isn't over. I have a long life ahead of me. When I heard it, I realized that I hadn't been letting myself believe it fully.
Logically, I can see that my chances of living to old age are good and there's no evidence to support the idea that I'll be kicking the bucket any time soon. I'm still young and healthy. There's also no evidence to support the chance that I'll spend the rest of my life alone. Not that it couldn't happen, just that it's not likely.
Somehow, though, in my heart, I'd felt as though the chance for happiness and love and even a family of my own was taken away from me on June 4, 2011. I'm afraid to hope sometimes. Occasionally, I worry that an essential part of me died on that terrible day and that without that part of me, I'm only a shell of a human being.
But, I didn't die. And my dreams and hopes for the rest of my life shouldn't die either. Maybe a part of me did die on that day, but the essential me is still here. Battered and heartbroken, but still here and still insisting on living.
I think I've been chanting that mantra in my soul all along. It's been a battle cry sometimes, a weak whimper other times, but it's been there. It's kept me afloat all these months and it will continue to.
In two days, I'll be boarding a plane to be with other people who have been living that mantra with me. Whether they believe it all the time or not, they exemplify it to me. They are living. We are living. Maybe even living a little extra for our precious loved ones who didn't get to.
I can't wait to be surrounded by them.
This is so true. Thank you for posting it. An area that I struggle with related to this topic is that my husband made me a better person. I continually ask myself, "How can I continue to be amazing with his love inside me but not his daily wisdom to guide me?"
ReplyDeleteI agree; I didn't die and I need that reminder because so many days I feel like I did, or that dying would actually be easier - not that I am wishing for that, it just doesn't scare me anymore. Another blog post on here ended with something like "I've got a lot of living to do" and that was another reminder to me of the truth. But somehow the clouds are so grey and heavy that it is hard to see, let alone believe that or want to carry on. It's just not as easy as all the trite expressions proclaim. So much is different......everything. A part of me did die when my Marty died; that hole will remain in my heart, even if it eventually gets stitched up and mended; there will be a place only he can reside in. And truthfullly, I am a different person now; grief and loss changes a person; many times, I find myself saying, "Mart you wouldn't believe this..." - the woman I am is the one Marty knew behind the safe walls of our home; but now she has come out in public in full force sometimes and "too much" sometimes, but oh well....trying to "find myself" in midlife was not something I had planned. Sometimes I get it right and sometimes I don't. I extend as much grace as I need to receive for my humaness. Did not choose this path. But would never exchange the great love we shared. And I agree with Anonymous "how can I continue to be amazing with his love inside me but not his daily wisdom to guide me?" I SO struggle being "without" his wisdom. But each day for the past 18 mos, I tie up my shoelaces and start walking. You're right we "commenters" didn't die, just seems like it sometimes.
ReplyDeleteIt isn't even close to as easy as the proclamation. You're right. So much IS different. But man, do we have so much to offer to others. We've survived the worst. We have depth and empathy like no one's business because we've been through hell.
DeleteI too have had such a hard time being without his wisdom. It's been a real test of my courage to go through life without his backing, but it's building a stronger me, I'd like to think. God, I hope it is.
But what do you do when all your dreams died with your husband? I have my kids, they keep me going. But they are teens and almost ready to be on their own in a couple of years, then it'll just be me and the perverbial four walls. No husband, no kids, no love, just loneliness. That's not much to look forward to.
ReplyDeleteAnon, I don't have kids at all. Or biological family, for that matter (except far away and out of reach). And unless something really miraculous happens really fast, I might not get to have a family of my own at all. But I will FIND things to look forward to, regardless. It's been my project since D died. I search everywhere for things to look forward to. Some days it doesn't work and some days it does. But you know what? Nothing but my mindset is different on those two different days. I was at the grocery today in a really good mind space and I felt like everyone around me was full of love and good spirit. I felt like I could walk up to anyone and connect with them somehow. Like everything was opportunity and hope. On one of my really bad days I feel as though I'm completely alone in the world and no one loves me. Hopeless. What's different? Nothing on the outside. Same strangers, same grocery store. The only thing that's different is the story I'm telling myself. Sometimes this realization helps me. Sometimes it doesn't.
DeleteI know lonely. It's my lonely, but it's still lonely. Please hang on to reasons to hope. They're out there. I promise.
To anon above.
ReplyDeleteDon't wait until your teenagers leave home. Start building your life now.
I am so glad I had some of that in place when my husband died. My three children were not living at home when he died. They are close and we see each other frequently but I realized very quickly that I wanted them to have their own lives and not worry they had to "take care of Mom" . I am in my early 50's I am still a vibrant person and have a lot of life to live. My husband told me "keep living, travel, make new friends, fall in love".
How brave he was. We were best friends. We worked together, shared so much of our lives with each other.
When he died I felt like some one cut my heart out and left me bleeding but still alive.
It has been almost two years. Yes - "tie up your shoelaces and start walking".
I make lists like crazy. Dreams, tasks, jobs he would have done that I am afraid I might let slide, places I want to go. Everyday I work on something on that list even if it is as mundane as cleaning out all of the bathroom drawers (which I just finished) to thinking about traveling next year to Peru. So spending some time on travel websites reading and looking at pictures.
Every day I think of his life and I too believe I am living for both of us now and I know my husband and he wouldn't have wasted one day. I am not going to either. I didn't die. Sometimes - after he died - oh, I wanted to. I thought I would die from grief. But I didn't . I am still alive. Still walking.
We have to make new dreams. I include him in mine by looking at his travel list and trying to incorporate some of his dream ideas with mine while still trying to see - new dreams of my own.
That's such a great idea, to incorporate his travel ideas into yours. I love it. What a legacy and healing you'll provide for yourself! And it's something to hope for and look forward to which is crucial.
DeleteCassie, you got some great conversation flowing here! I love these posts.
ReplyDeleteI'm in my early 50's, widowed for about a year and a half now. Kids were grown and on their own when my husband died. The grandkids are a joy, but I can't spend every minute with them, so I have to find my own joy in life. I also don't want to depend on my kids to take care of me. They have their own lives to live.
To anon who is struggling with lost dreams . . . I agree with the others here. You have to create your own dreams now. Don't wait until the kids are out on their own. Spend time with your kids, but spend time on what you want out of life, too. Start with something simple . . . go to a movie with a friend, sign up for a class at a local craft store or college or wherever, volunteer. I used to be a Girl Scout leader. I thought about getting back into volunteering, so I started there in my comfort zone. But I quickly found out that that wasn't the place for me at this point in my life. So now I'm thinking about other volunteer opportunities. Try something you never thought you'd try. We really do have to create the new "me" for where we are in life now. Don't wait! Life's too short, as we all know!!
I am anon _ travel dreamer above,
ReplyDeleteJust to add - Cassie is so right when you realize that how you are viewing the world is coming from inside of you - NOT - outside in, it helps so much.
Even if yes, sometimes you have to put on a really brave face just to go to the store for bread. Doing it, trying when it is hard, making the effort to be open and start imagining a new life. It is painful, not easy. Like Bogie said above - you will try things and some will work and some won't the key is to not give up. Don't dwell in the bad days. Wake and say "today is another day, I am alive".
Being widowed is not easy however I try to remind myself - everyone we know has lost a loved one or will lose someone they love. As unique as our experience of death is for each of us. Death is not unique.
Therefor we have to be courageous because we may help others be braver too. Lets hang onto each other in this life raft and keep sailing to the unseen shores.
It all sounds so easy when you say it, to tell yourself to go on living is one thing, but doing it all alone just sucks. I don't want to put a smile on my face and go to the store. I don't want to volunteer, facing others daily, trying to help them when I need so much more help myself. I have no more dreams, they are gone, out the door with him.
ReplyDeleteI just want to be oblivious to this widow world, I want no part of it anymore. This isn't what I signed up for, but looks like I'm stuck with it. It's obviously one of those down days for me, thanks for listening.
And I've been right there with you on those down days. I could have written this exactly on those days.
DeleteWords of comfort don't seem to sink in and nothing seems to matter.
But they don't last forever, thank god. In the meantime, I hope you keep coming back here and finding some comfort.
Hugs
I'm the anon who wrote the original post about the lost dreams, NOT the one directly above.
ReplyDeleteI work full time in addition to raising my teens. When I am done cooking, cleaning, shopping etc for them every day, I am exhausted at the end of the day, so volunteer work is out of the question. I go to the movies or out to dinner occasionally with a friend, but it doesn't help the fact that I'm going to be alone when my kids move away. Plus all my friends are married, so they don't always have time for me, they would rather be with their husbands, understandably. I love to travel but I cannot go on vacation alone. I take my kids everywhere just so I have travel companions. What do I do when they no longer want to go on vacation with Mom?
I was able to find some new friends who were in transition too. One from a young widows support group and also several women who are newly single for other reasons. This helped tremendously and in addition to my Camp Widow friends absolutely saved me (and continue to save me).
DeleteTraveling alone is a tough one for me too. I have taken several small trips alone, and have considered doing some major singles tour trips, but haven't quite gotten the courage up. I will, eventually.
Have you been to a Camp Widow yet?
Yes, I went to Camp Widow once. I found everyone to be very nice and supportive, and I may even go again at some point because it was so much fun, but I didn't really "connect" with anyone while I was there. I got some email addresses and when I reached out to those who are local to me, again, everyone was really nice, but we didn't seem to connect. It just seems like everyone is so busy being an only-parent, which is understandable. Sometimes I feel like the ONLY way to be happy is to remarry, and I'm just not there yet. I don't know if I ever will be. I still wear my wedding band, and I get a knot in my stomach every time I think about removing it. I feel as though widowhood has doomed me to a life of loneliness after my children leave.
DeleteI appreciate you genuine sharing about being doomed to a life of loneliness after your children leave; my kids are adults and living on their own, except after Marty died, my oldest daughter returned home to save money for a house. Totally unexpected, she moved in 6 months after he died and I had been totally alone; she has been here one year and has decided not to buy a house and may return back to her condo that she had rented out; I am encouraging her, as I have done with her brother and sister, that they have to "live their own lives" which I believe to be true; but oh the bittersweetness of that statement. So hard to be a Mom, alone. Just when we were supposed to be "living our own lives" with travel and the empty nest, Marty died.......anyway, what I am trying to say is that I too have concern for when my daughter moves out; but truth be told, we raised our kids to be independent and it is expected that she would not live with me forever; and I wanted to encourage you not to get ahead of yourself. Right now, this is where you are. Right here, right now with kids in your home. I think all of us would agree that none of us knows what the future holds. I find it hard as a widow to "be present" in life because "present" is so painful without him...and yet, I stand to miss the days that I have left if I remain in the past which is comfortable or fear the future which is unknown. Thinking of you.
DeleteThank you so much for your post, Cassie and the responses from fellow widows. This came at the right time for me. I hope to go to Camp Widow East next year.
ReplyDeleteBtomas, I so hope you do, too. So glad the post was helpful.
DeleteLove and hope to you.
To all: I just found this website by chance, my husband passed last week at age 54, what a shock as I'm sure you all know. I have been experiencing many of the same sadnesses expressed on this page but how wonderful it is to read the positive, "tie up your shoelaces', etc. I also had a husband who was wonderful to me and the kids and though had a very long life with serious heart disease he lived everyday with a sense of humor and optimism that I hope to get to. Thank you so much for this web-site it will give me something to read and hope on as life goes on. I do have a question for ones who have travelled, have any of you travelled alone, if so how uncomfortable is it or did it turn out ok?
ReplyDelete