I Freaking Hate ......

                                                     picture source


...... weekends.
Truly hate them.
With a passion.

Ironic, isn't it?
When Jim was alive I loved weekends.
I'm guessing most of us liked them a whole lot better than we do now.
I can't stand them and usually just want them to be over.
What a waste.

Weekends are no different than week days for me.  It's just 7 days that run right into the next 7 days.  No days of rest.  No days of recreation.  No days of hanging out with the person I love and just relaxing.
I miss weekends with Jim.
I miss week days with Jim.
I miss nights with Jim.
I.
Miss.
Everything.
With.
Jim.

I have one child left at home.
But he is a boy.
And a young man, at that.
A senior this year.
Who is involved with after school activities.
And he works.

Needless to say, he's not home much.
Which is as it should be.
But that was fine when I had Jim.
Now .... it sucks.
Because even though my nest is not literally "empty" .... it's still empty .... most of the time.
And I hate it.

It's not that I want my son to stay here an extra year.  No way.  No how.
It's time for him to move on.  Hell, he's had "senior-itus" since he was in 7th grade.
And I've had it for 2 years now.
It's almost time .... and that's a good thing.

But my nest will be emptier than it should be.
I should not be here alone.
That was not the plan.
It's not what most people experience.
But it's my life.
And that sucks.

I'm beginning to hate my house, my community, and the absence of my "before" friends.
I'm tired of being alone 24 hours a day, 7 days a week .... for the most part.

I am counting down the days until my son graduates and then I can sell my house and start somewhere else .... fresh.  Some place where I'll only be known as Janine, not Jim's wife.  Not Jim's widow.  Not "how terrible is it that Jim died and I'm going to keep my distance because you never know .... that may be contagious."
I.
Can.
Not.
Wait.
To get out of here.

And yet I realize, that no matter where I go .... Jim will not be there.
My weeks may still run into the weekends with no change ..... no marked difference to recognize a week day from a week end.
And yes, it may still suck.

But that is my life.
No matter how much I loathe that part of it right now.
No matter how much I dread the 6th and 7th days of the week.
No matter.

I also realize that this is just a "phase" I'm feeling at the moment.
And that not everything in my life is horrible.
I am genuinely happy most of the time.
This is just not one of those times.
But it will pass.
Maybe today, maybe next week.

Yet when it passes, one thing will most likely remain for a longer time.

I hate weekends.