Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Sharing both pain and joy

A friend posted this picture on facebook today.  
I agree with the premise of it - I do think we need to  share the everyday joys in our lives.
The things we are grateful for.
The people we love.

I tend to do this in pictures: photography is my therapy, and my camera lens my rose-coloured glasses.
I post photos of the things and the people I am grateful for - my children, my surroundings, a flower, sunlight and warmth.


I do think it is also important to share our pain.
Our dark days.
Our black moments.
Our little niggles and our enormous problems.

Sometimes, having a good whinge is therapeutic in its own right.

Posting facebook statuses commanding people to "stop being so negative" gags those who want .... or rather need... to reach out to someone else and say "Life is not good right now.  I need support". 

It gags the sad and it gags the desperate.
...and it gags the suicidal.

Sometimes it takes real courage to say "I'm having a really hard time right now.  Please send me some love".

I don't know about you, but those early days of grief spent reading the ups and downs of widows and widowers like Michele, Matt, Dan, Kim, Janine, Taryn, Jackie, Michelle and others like Megan and Supa helped me see that what I was experiencing was REAL.  

Not sugar-coated.

Not all happy-happy-joy-joy that other people want to see..... the "happy" that friends and family want so badly for us because they are kind and can't fathom the depth of grief we are experiencing.

But in sharing the ups and downs of their grief, these bloggers showed me that life goes on.  
Not all good, but by the same token, not all bad, but life in all its multi-coloured glory.

I hope I am able to do the same.

Each week I strive to "blog my now".  
....  the sinking pain and the intense joy.  
....  the furious, fierce love.

So while I commend anyone who takes the time to look for the joy in life, wherever it can be found, I stress the equal need to voice those fears and troubles that can become unbearable if borne alone.

To paraphrase a woman who is amongst the strongest I know, a woman who voices her ups and downs in equal measure: "by sharing the sad days in life with friends, there's one less miserable person in the world because they've found support and love to get them through it."  

Amen to that sister!


  1. Agree 100%.

    Agree and love you for sharing your thoughts xx

  2. I so agree with you about reading that not so happy parts of our widowed travelers has been healing for me. I consider myself a postive person, but there is no doubt that being a widow sucks! It doesn't matter what your circumstances! I know I am tired of people telling me how to feel when they are not walking in my shoes.

  3. AMEN AMANDA! This blog is exactly why I keep coming back here every day for the last 2 1/2 years. Simply put widows and widowers should be "allowed" to feel whatever he/she is feeling on any given day. To expect that I can ALWAYS count my blessings is unrealistic. And as Anon said above, people should stop telling me how to feel when they haven't walked in my shoes.

    Thanks Amanda!

  4. Almost three years now since I lost Mike and I expect to always be a widow. But I've finally learned to also be a woman again. I just finished a book about the tough (and funny) process and about the difficult, personal things we usually don't even discuss with each other.
    I waited to look up other comments. Sometimes we need our isolation. But usually we need each other.

    Thanks for putting it all out there, sisters!

  5. Could not agree more; thank you. Will be sharing this one.