Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Trust ......

                                                         Photo source

...... is a terrible thing to waste.

And I have wasted it.
On more than one person.

But I won't waste it again.
Which is kind of sad, because that means that I will never again trust easily.

Especially not a man.
I hope that makes him happy.
I hope he's pleased to know that he was such a dirt bag that he taught me to be wary.

Not really.
I don't hope he's happy.
He doesn't deserve to be happy.
Nor do the people who knew what he was doing.
The people who lied to me.
As he lied.

I have not reached forgiveness yet.
And I'm ok with that.

In fact, in spite of him ...... in spite of them ...... I am happy.
Very happy.
And very, very, VERY relieved.

I'm also thankful.
Thankful that I grew very tired of walking on egg shells.
Thankful that I finally spoke my mind.
And got out of jail.

I put the bars up when I decided to walk on those egg shells.
I imprisoned myself when I chose to stay quiet, rather than give voice to my feelings.
I locked the door when I tried to make him happy, by not saying what I thought.
So I have no one to blame ...... but myself.

But I learned something very valuable.
No man is worth that cost.
No true man would accept that price.
No real man would charge that much.
Or try to use a woman in that way.

And I will not settle for someone who's less than a man.
Never again.

I would rather be single until the day I die than to be with the facade of a man.
I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than live with a user.
I would rather live happily by myself, than be imprisoned by someone who doesn't know how to love.

I would rather love a dead man for the rest of my life, than love someone who doesn't deserve to be loved.

I paid a price for trusting someone too easily.
A very high price.
But I am thankful for the lesson.

And I am happy to be free.
And happy to be able to do what I want, when I want ...... and to answer to no one.
No one on earth anyway.

I look forward to the future.
And living life ...... with me.
Traveling, visiting, working, ....... enjoying ...... life and living.
With my children.
With my family.
With my friends.
With whomever.
And with me.

And even if it's only me ...... I'll be happy.
And relieved.
Very, very relieved.
And hopefully always thankful.


  1. Oh Janine, I am so sorry you have had a rough experience but look how much you've learned about yourself! Be grateful, often we women don't realize the mess we're in until it's too late. I want to congratulate you on being brave enough to follow your good sense. Well done! Sending you hugs and good wishes. And remember there are still some gorgeous, kind and caring men out there!

  2. Janine, You sound incredibly angry and somewhat stuck. Hope you are able to work through this quickly and move on. He's just not worth this kind of emotion and you have so much else going for you. Hugs

    1. I agree. By devoting this much time and anger at him, you're giving him undeserved power and importance. You made a mistake thinking a guy was something he wasn't, and that sucks, but it's happened to everyone at one time or another. I think it must be hard to come out so publicly about your hopes for this new relationship, and then have it not work out, and to feel that you have to explain it. I hate anyone telling me to "let it go" or "move on", regarding my husband's death - but in the case of this jerk, I think the phrase applies.

  3. Yes, I do have some anger left, but not nearly as much as I did. And no, I am not stuck. My life and I are moving forward and I'm very happy. I have been blessed in so many ways ..... way more than I have not been blessed.
    He was one person in my life. Only one. He left some damage in his wake, but nothing that can't be fixed. And I don't spend much time at all thinking about him. I don't let myself spend time on him.
    However, if I chose to do that because I needed time to figure things out and to not let it happen again, then I think that's perfectly fine. We all know, better than most, that we each have our own timelines on healing. And we don't judge each other.
    Thanks for being concerned, but trust me...... I have closed that chapter and am looking ahead, just as I wrote. I only wrote about it here because I'd bet I'm not the only widow who's felt used. And my goal is, as always, to write honestly so that others know they're normal.
    Whatever that means.