"Assumptions bind us to the past, obscure the present, limit our sense of what's possible,
and elbow out joy."~Sharon Salzberg
Or should I say, I have brought myself.
It's in the assumptions that I have made of how things would be before Michael died, after he died, and in day to day life in general, that I, in retrospect, see that the core of my suffering has been rooted.
You assume certain people will always be there for you. You assume that as time goes by it would get easier (though it has...just not on my timeline). You assume that you can go forth on your journey without criticism. You assume...and you assume.
But then people fall to the wayside. It gets harder at moments as life goes forward. You receive unrelenting criticism...
The assumptions have caused me to not observe the now, the is, the way may be...so I'm taking a vacay from assuming...hand me the pina colada...it's a much needed vacation that I may never leave...
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I so needed this today; I got beat up pretty bad by "old friends" who have made assumptions but are NOT walking the widow road. To their credit, they have no clue how hard my life is and "assume" that I would return to "two way friendships".......while I believe that friendships are two-way and the phone works both ways, that is under NORMAL circumstances; there is NOTHING normal about the widow road; I hate the term "new normal"....the words "widow" and "normal" NEVER fit together; well, except to maybe believe that "it's normal for a widow to be crazy sometimes":) I have struggled over this for many months. Of not living up to others (only select few thankfully) expectations and have experienced the awkwardness in and sadness of having to "let go" of yet another relationship; in many ways, having let go of my husband makes letting go of other things seem like small potatoes, but oh the hurt!; the hurt of people who "were" there and then something changed, but I am too incapacitated to "figure out" yet another thing in my life; it takes all I am and have to figure out the necessary things in my life (home, work, money) and whatevers left goes to my family; friends are down on the list of priorities and energy; and YET, I waste a lot of energy trying to figure out what I did, what I said, how I can fix, how I can restore.....and honestly, I want to scream "I LOST MY HUSBAND, YOU TRY IT AND THEN LETS TALK". Thank you for encouraging me and giving me permission to "let people fall to the wayside, believe and receive that there will be harder moments as life moves forward and to expect criticism, though not to receive it or embrace it as truth." Thank you for that today; you just turned the course of my day!
ReplyDeleteDear God if one more person says "new normal" to me, I'm going to lose it. Want to see "new normal"? I'm thinking you'd rather not.
ReplyDeleteTotally agree. Normal and widow don't belong together.
Just when I think I am crazy (and a total bitch)the perfect post comes along! Thank you for the post and the responses.
ReplyDeleteI have a friend who has also been recently widowed. We talked just today about the "new normal" statement....I hate that phrase. I resent the ASSUMPTION that being widowed will soon just become routine to me....
ReplyDeleteI am normally the MC of a local gala and this year it was held 5 weeks after my husband died. I decided to do it, but rather than couples at my table, I hand picked girlfriends to be there with me. Someone posted in my FB wall and asked who my "date" was....I dont even exactly know what the hell she was trying to ask/say but it was tacky.
ReplyDeleteI work in end of life care, so maybe Im lucky that most of my friends are either acutely bereaved themselves or are very familiar with it, I cant think of a single assumption Ive dealt with other than the "good day/bad day" thing...I go in 3 hours blocks, Im never good or bad for a whole day
This gave me a moment's fright--seeing "posted by Michele..." (I scrolled to that first, as I haven't memorized the posting schedule and don't want to *assume* ;) it's not a guest post)... and then seeing "Michael died"...until I realized: it's Michele posting for Taryn. Just sayin'. ;)
ReplyDeleteSorry Connie...meant to note that I was posting for Taryn, but was rushing and forgot! Thanks for the concern, and SUPER glad I was just posting for Taryn!!
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