The view from my verandah on Saturday morning
I know I've written about this before.
I know I sounds like broken record.
But.
.
.
I don't cope well with uncertianty.
That change in government I mentioned we'd had? Well they have decided to get rid of their contract staff. That means me.
Despite pulling two classes uphill this year, and being recognised for doing a stellar job, I find that I am once again in that place where I don't know what I'll be doing next year.
I've been in this place before.
I was a scientist for almost 20 years where funding is uncertain and you work on 3-year funding cycles. I was never without work, but by the same token, I never really worried about it: I knew we could comfortably live on Greg's wage.
Not that he earned a lot, just that both of us come from farming stock and so we are a very frugal mob.
.....and I find myself getting angry at how things have changed.
(not that it helps).
I am told that I am "lucky" I have the compensation payout.
(I know right?..... but I managed not to slap the person who said that)
But truth be told, money is not top of my list of worries .....
I am not good if I am not busy.
Working, feeling useful, seeing the difference I make, being part of the workforce means that my mental health is OK.
...and the not knowing what will happen is driving me crazy.
But I have to just wait out this storm.
I have to hope that things will work out for the best.
Because hope is currently all I have got that is working for me.
Sunday's view
Oh boy - did this hit a nerve. I lost my partner on Easter Monday (he went into the hospital on good Friday with what we thought was the flu-turned out to be undiagnosed ruptured blood vessels in his stomach), was in a coma by Saturday and I authorized life support disconnect on Monday midnight - so he passed 10 minutes later on Easter Monday morning). I had to go to work on Tuesday to tell staff, my Board, etc. (they did not know about my private life in that I was in a same-sex relationship) what had happened; chair a meeting that absolutely couldn't be postponed; recieved a telephone call that I needed to participate in a teleconference with Ottawa the next day (at the same time I was scheduled to go to the funeral home to ID my partner prior to cremation and finalize memorial service arrangements); had to get permission from the Federal Minister's office to have my Board Chair sit in on the teleconferenc (not to participate) which turned out to be to inform us that funding for our organization was being withdrawn (so in essence I was without a job); then I had to meet with my staff on the next day to advise them of the funding situation. So, lost my partner, my privacy and my job within a 3 day period. That was a few months ago - surprisingly life has gone on - I have a lot of terrible moments and/or days, but the sun rises and sets. I am taking measures to get things worked out and on with my life, but at times it can be overwhelming...especially the lonliness and loss of purpose in life and sense of direction. It is hard to get engaged and excited about anything in my life and I hate that feeling...all part of the process I guess. I do come to this site on a regular basis as then I feel I am connected with those that are in similar situtaions...misery loves company, eh...but it is comforting.
ReplyDeleteI realized that it is OK not to feel grateful, sometimes and to feel out right angry. Life is not fair, but why does it have to be unfair to me after all I have been through! Haven't everyone here felt that! I know I have, but we are reslent,we bounce back. We have no choice! I have even come to see that somethings that appear to be to our determent,turn out to be the best thing, because it leads us to something greater! I hope this is what happens for you! But until then we wil all be here to understand and share your misery. We can handle it, because we are all sole survivers, which is more than most other people can say!
ReplyDelete...AND we are SOUL survivors! To celebrate, go out and DO something today that you've always enjoyed. You may find you still damn well do.
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