Wednesday, November 28, 2012

There's a Fine Line ......

...... between good memories and pain.

In the beginning of my grief, there was no line.  I couldn't even think about good memories.  I couldn't think about good.  Period.

But now I can dwell on my good memories ...... and not feel any pain.
Most of the time.

Thanksgiving was not one of those times.

The above picture is from my father-in-law's farm, where we spent Thanksgiving with the rest of Jim's family.
While I love visiting there, it also brings me a lot of pain.
It's difficult to be there without him.
It feels ...... unnatural.

Jim's mother died 5 months after he did.  Also too soon.
Also not expected.
It was very hard to be there without her, too.
It was painful.

I cried more tears last week than I've cried in quite a while.
And I hid while I shed them.
I'm not sure why ...... except that after 5 years I think other people don't want to see tears.
And I didn't want to depress anyone else.

I also found it hard to say goodbye.
But then ...... that's been hard for me for the past 5 years.
Goodbyes are painful, at least for me.
Because you never know when goodbye ...... really is "goodbye".

But I don't have to tell you that, do I?

It was good to be among Jim's family ...... my family.
It was good to be back on the farm.
It was good to have so many things for which to be thankful.

But sometimes there's a very fine line between what's good ...... and what's painful.


  1. I totally understand. I spent half the day with my inlaws and it was painful. The memories, the connection, his brother, they all just remind me of him. It was hard being there. But I got through it. I am thankful to God for helping me get through the day.

  2. "I cried more tears last week than I've cried in quite a while."

    I think I'm done with the crying, and then it hits me again. Guess it is good to let it out. Like you, I try to hide it, others still don't get it after almost 3 years either. I personally cannot believe there are any tears left in me, and yet they keep on coming, especially this time of year. Heard "I'll have a blue Christmas w/o you" while trying to buy clothes the other day, so much for that excursion. Trying also to focus on that which i am thankful for, but some days it's a struggle.