Wednesday, November 28, 2012
There's a Fine Line ......
...... between good memories and pain.
In the beginning of my grief, there was no line. I couldn't even think about good memories. I couldn't think about good. Period.
But now I can dwell on my good memories ...... and not feel any pain.
Most of the time.
Thanksgiving was not one of those times.
The above picture is from my father-in-law's farm, where we spent Thanksgiving with the rest of Jim's family.
While I love visiting there, it also brings me a lot of pain.
It's difficult to be there without him.
It feels ...... unnatural.
Jim's mother died 5 months after he did. Also too soon.
Also not expected.
It was very hard to be there without her, too.
It was painful.
I cried more tears last week than I've cried in quite a while.
And I hid while I shed them.
I'm not sure why ...... except that after 5 years I think other people don't want to see tears.
And I didn't want to depress anyone else.
I also found it hard to say goodbye.
But then ...... that's been hard for me for the past 5 years.
Goodbyes are painful, at least for me.
Because you never know when goodbye ...... really is "goodbye".
But I don't have to tell you that, do I?
It was good to be among Jim's family ...... my family.
It was good to be back on the farm.
It was good to have so many things for which to be thankful.
But sometimes there's a very fine line between what's good ...... and what's painful.