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I was talking to my therapist about the ways I've been moving slowly toward starting an honest-to-god dog-walking business and while I was telling her, I noted the flat, bored tone in my voice and I knew she'd take notice too. And she did.
She wanted to know what it was that was keeping me from feeling excited about it all and I thought and thought and thought. All I could dredge up was "I have no idea".
I tried to think of an example of something I was excited about, that lit me up and I couldn't think of anything at the time. I figured (and so did she) that maybe the dog walking thing just wasn't really what I wanted to do.
She asked me if I liked walking dogs.
I do.
She asked me if there was anything I didn't like about it.
Not really.
I still couldn't access any excitement. For that venture or any other.
And I wondered, what DOES make me really excited? What really lights me up?
My lifelong passion has been animals. They light me up.
I love to sing in a choir.
I can draw and paint and feel very much in "the zone" when I'm doing it.
I love to read.
But as a purpose? A reason for living? True drive and passion for a project of some sort? Nothing feels quite right. Nothing really gets me jumping out of bed in the morning ready to tackle a goal.
Did that die with Dave? Will it come back? Do I just wait around for some sort of inspiration?
Why don't I even know what it is I really want to do?
I feel restless and frustrated.
There isn't much I really want to do.
Except to feel the way I used to, when he was alive. Like I had direction.
I'm not suicidal or even deeply depressed. It's getting easier to be alone, overall. I'm sleeping and eating okay and laugh easily again, despite bouts of grief. I even enjoy quiet nights at home with take out and a movie when I used to dread them. There are many things I'm doing and trying as I learn about myself as a single person. I'm slowly meeting new people and spending time with old friends. I have fun travel plans in the works. I don't feel hopeless, I just feel passionless. Purposeless.
But I think part of it is that I compare too much. I compare myself to people who seem to have satisfying occupations and find myself lacking. I tell myself stories that I'm lacking because I don't trot off to a formal job each day all filled with industry and good work ethic. Or because I'm not going to school to get another degree.
I'm not contributing or busy or industrious enough somehow, and I feel aimless.
There's that story-telling again. The stories I tell myself are almost always wrong or at least misled. I am contributing, it's just not in the way I used to. I used to KILL myself to perform as close to perfectly as I could at my job. Did that make me a better person? Did having that kind of (slightly nutty) drive make me worthy? More worthy than I am now?
I can also understand logically that I'm still healing and that all my energy is going toward that kind of growth so I don't have much left over for a great work ethic and a "go get-em" attitude.
Understanding all of that doesn't completely stop the feelings I've been having though. I still wonder when the hell the purpose will come back and what that purpose will be. I still wonder if my brain will come back online again and if it will always be altered by this trauma. I still wonder if I'll be able to support myself long-term. I still wonder if I'm ever going to feel grounded and certain again.
I know though, that the one certainty is that we can't see around the bend. We can just take the next step we think is right. As I look back on this time, I'm sure I will see how much I grew and how much I actually accomplished and how every little "next right step" took me in the direction I needed to go.
It's just hard to ignore the feeling that I'm missing some integral part of me now. It's like I lost my internal compass and now I'm just aimless, wandering, lost. Again though, the things I tell myself! I'm not "lost".
Lost and wandering are two different things, right? I'm wandering around as I learn about myself, this new self. I'll find my way. I am finding my way, I'm just too close to see the big picture.
So much easier said than felt, though, huh?
I recently had a similar conversation with my therapist. I am at a place where I still deal with bouts of grief, but feel most of the time that my life is progressing. I'm seeing people, doing things I enjoy, taking care of my home, etc. even having a good time now and again. BUT, I am without passion. I've always had "projects" and still pursue those, but mostly to check off the boxes and fill the days. I don't have anything I'm terribly excited about and I miss that feeling so much.
ReplyDeleteShe seemed to think that it's too early for me to find "it" while I'm still wandering, but I miss caring so much. So very much. And at some point doing the things I need to do to live just isn't going to be enough for me. I worry about that.
Dear Anonymous,
DeleteI can relate. You say it well. Projects to check off the box. While there is a general satisfaction, it's not enough. I miss sharing the "well done" that my husband used to provide with even the smallest of things.
I have done what others perceive to be "exciting" things these past 21 months without my beloved - but excited, happy, joy are not currently in my vocabulary. While I look forward to spending Thanksgiving with my adult kids and grand-kids; my reality is that 2/3 of them live out of state and they too will leave after their 3 days here.....Trying so hard to be in the "present" because I am told that each day is a gift-hmmmh? It's hard, I want to believe that, I don't want to miss the treasures of my grand kids, or my adult kids, and I am present - well sort of - more present than I was last year -but nothing touches the happiness I used to have being Marty's wife.
Your last paragraph hits a nerve with me, because I think I am wrestling with the same thing.....I too have been busy, not running from my grief, but a general busyness that is good....but I do have concerns when everything is caught up and I'm looking around saying, "Yep, still alone." Thanks.
Dear Anonymous,
DeleteI can relate. You say it well. Projects to check off the box. While there is a general satisfaction, it's not enough. I miss sharing the "well done" that my husband used to provide with even the smallest of things.
I have done what others perceive to be "exciting" things these past 21 months without my beloved - but excited, happy, joy are not currently in my vocabulary. While I look forward to spending Thanksgiving with my adult kids and grand-kids; my reality is that 2/3 of them live out of state and they too will leave after their 3 days here.....Trying so hard to be in the "present" because I am told that each day is a gift-hmmmh? It's hard, I want to believe that, I don't want to miss the treasures of my grand kids, or my adult kids, and I am present - well sort of - more present than I was last year -but nothing touches the happiness I used to have being Marty's wife.
Your last paragraph hits a nerve with me, because I think I am wrestling with the same thing.....I too have been busy, not running from my grief, but a general busyness that is good....but I do have concerns when everything is caught up and I'm looking around saying, "Yep, still alone." Thanks.
Cassie,
ReplyDeleteIt's always fascinating to read your blogs because so many times you are grappling with exactly the same things that are confronting me. As someone who is struggling with a part-time job and being in school to get another degree, I can tell you that "doing" those things does not help that sense of aimlessness, of lack of purpose or passion. (It does give one something else to be stressed out about, a great way to measure just how inefficient and unproductive one has become!) This is something, judging from your post and the comment above, that is obviously a fundamental and profound effect of losing what my own grief therapist calls "your assumptive world." I used to be full of passion and energy. I have none of that now. I guess all we can do is say, last year at this time I was having trouble getting out of bed in the morning. Now, most days, I'm better at that. Maybe next year the spark will sputter back into life. And until then, maybe anything that is a distraction (dog-walking business?) is good enough.
That's really helpful to remember, Claire. Telling myself that just being busy will help is not necessarily accurate and having a job or going back to school when not absolutely necessary will just give me more to be stressed out about and I already have had enough of that. I really needed that reminder. I think maybe I need that reminder on a daily basis and coming from someone other than myself.
Deletewant me to remind you on a daily basis? :)
Delete"Do what you can, with what you have, where you are." ~Theodore Roosevelt
ReplyDeleteWise words I try to follow. Like you, I have no passion anymore. We were ready to leave land and sail away, that dream being shot down I currently have no other. I'm just trying to maintain, prioritizing what must be done, the rest just doesn't matter anymore. Going on 3 years, I thought I'd have found my way by now. But that is not the case, I'm still "mentally confused" too. Wondering if it will always be this way, doesn't seem to be an end in sight. No other choice but to keep going, take that next step, and hope it is in the right direction.
I needed to read this. I have been wondering if Boredom is a stage of grief, because I've been feeling really bored lately. I've been slogging through, doing all the things that I know should make me happy, but they do nothing to lift my spirits. "Passionless" is a better way to describe it, and Claire, your point about losing one's assumptive world makes a lot of sense. *sigh* So we just keep going, right?
ReplyDeleteI guess we do!
DeleteThis was so helpful - not that it changes my feelings - but that it helps me see that I'm ok in these feelings that I am having regarding lack of purpose and direction. I am sorry that we are all feeling this way, however, so relieved to hear that I am not the only one!
ReplyDeleteI too hate being passionless. Sometimes I think it's all so interconnected with the loss of a mate. Passion touched so many areas, in and out of the bedroom and now it's all gone! In a flash. GONE. Every single piece of it. I too lack zest. I lack energy. I do tasks. I show up. Better than I was a year ago as it seems my heart is now in my body instead of walking outside myself. And my heart is even beating, in an irregular pattern, but beating. I have force myself to try new things over and over and over. I have found that I love going to the shooting range where there is a club for women only.....I could care less about the target, the gun or anything else, I just like to shoot! However, even there last week, the gal next to me, out of the blue asked "Does your husband like to shoot?" ......UGH....here we go again. The one place I typically can get lost in the sights, sounds and smells, I am sucker punched back to reality quickly and blindsided.....scrambling for words as I process the searing cut of the question, I answer "I'm not married" and those words coming from my lips sear my heart just as bad as the question. I did not wish to go into the "whys" of my answer with this stranger on this night. I just wanted to be done.
ReplyDeletePassion.....every now and then, I catch a glimpse of some passion deep inside me, but it's fleeting at best.
I miss being married. I miss being part of a team. All I ever wanted to be was Martin's wife - i was happy there - now I am not.
Oh My Gosh...you have put into words exactly what I struggle with and I am over 4 years out, the passion is gone, the plan is no longer and I have not replaced it. Since my Dave is gone it is as if I am a ship on a endless sea with no destination. I function, I have relocated and made wonderful new friends and have new things I do but none of them really matter, it is as if my existence no longer matters. I am so glad to read that I am not alone in these feelings and perhaps it is indeed a step in the greiving process and we each do the steps in our own way I know. I am so thankful for this blog.
ReplyDeleteCassie,
ReplyDeleteYour post brought tears to my eyes...so captured the way I feel and have felt so often. I am so sorry that you too struggle with such feelings but thank you (and those who commented as well) for lifting me. It is so comforting to know that I am not the only one to feel like this---it's as if the meaning of things just isn't there and I can't find that "old" me who used be on a certain path and happy about it. At almost five years, I hope this will not be where things settle.
Cassie,
ReplyDeleteI am 6 1/2 mos. out from the loss of my beloved husband and soul mate. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride that will never end. Your post couldn't have expressed how I feel more if I'd written it myself. No passion, no excitement. Projects, omg, I don't think there are enough to keep me busy mentally and physically. We were married 38 1/2 yrs. and nothing I do seems to fill the void. I found out one month after my husband's death, my son and his wife are expecting my first "grandson". If anything should fill my heart with joy this should be it (a little Mikie). Still my heart is so broken I can't feel anything. I'm reading how far out most of you are from the loss of your loved one and I'm feeling even more fearful that this is the way I will spend the rest of my life. I'm 58 yrs. old and still very active but I feel like this is the way I'm going to spend the rest of my life.
My heart goes out to each and every one and I pray your holiday season will be better than the last and your future will be filled with joy and happiness.
I feel for you. I remember 6 1/2 months. I am now at 21 months, and while different (some would say better than) than 6 1/2 months, this journey is longer than I EVER imagined. However, I have learned that with such a deep relationship that we had, it only makes sense that my grief will be deep and long. 21 months does not feel like 6 months, I'm not as much of a mess as I was at 6 months. But it still hurts. I carry the heaviness of my loss with me everyday and almost every minute of every day. Sometimes its bigger than others. I am moving forward and I know it; I can see it; but I hate that too. I have no idea how I will ever be happy, but I know that God must have some purpose for me and the rotten pain of learning to live without my beloved (we were married almost 32 years). There have been so many big deals that he is not here for - we have a new grand-daughter coming in March......tough tough tough. My heart goes out to you. I encourage you to "just do the next thing" on days when you are overwhelmed. I would say it gets better, and I think it does, it just takes a great deal of time to adjust to something that you don't want to with every fiber in your being.
DeleteAnon,
DeleteI am so sorry for your loss. I am a bit farther along in my grief journey than you, having lost my husband almost 3 yrs ago. I am near your age, was with my husband for 38 years also. Give yourself some time, yes, we all still grieve, but time does soften the pain. I think I will grieve for him the rest of my life, but I will go on living, too. The holidays are still very tough to get through, prepare yourself, give yourself plenty of options (and those options can include not being involved in anything). Joy and happiness?...ummm, not yet, not even an inkling of them. I hope your grandchild will bring you joy, it will be a bittersweet moment for you, I am sure. Peace to you.
I feel bad for all of us....I just told someone last week, I have no enthusiasm for anything, no passion. I loved being Mike's wife. I didn't have to try and find something to get excited about, a hobby, or volunteer, or keeping busy every minute of the day. I could just BE...can't just do that anymore according to people. I am better than I was 3 1/2 years ago, but not anywhere near where I want to be. I miss him more than ever. I always will.
ReplyDeleteCassie, you took the words out of my mouth! I so feel what you feel and wonder about the same things. It feels so good to have someone else say it, beause in this again I know I am not alone. I loved being a wife, although I never wanted to be Martha Steward! I was proud of it and the protection I felt as a result. I had no problem being single, before we met so I know my feelings are not about that, but about losing the whole idea of a soul mate, still feel he was mine, but on the other hand want to find another! As for my dreams, they seem so small and insignificant now without the person I wanted to share the joy of accomplishing them with. I too feel like I am wandering looking where to land, moving forward, but do not know what towards, since my foundation has been rocked! But I know that you get it! Thanks for this post. It helps!
ReplyDeleteIt's really good to hear that it helps, anon. <3
DeleteThanks Mjay, Cathy and all others that commented on my comment above. You guys have no idea how this site has helped me cope with my loss. I am registered for Camp Widow 2013 in Myrtle Beach, SC. I hope to meet some of you there. Bless you all.
ReplyDelete