Halloween Be Damned

Halloween was one of our most celebrated "couple" holidays.  She loved to dress up.  I certainly wasn't shy about making a scene.  It's a holiday that we spent the year looking forward to.  Thus, it's one I've struggled with possibly more than any other holiday.  I'm glad it's over.  That said, this year was more gentle than the previous, which was a welcome change - a change that's been a long time in coming.

I stopped counting the days a long time ago.  There was a time when the idea of not knowing how many days it had been since I last kissed my sweetheart would have been unimaginable.  Today, the number of months since that moment isn’t at the tip of my mind.  But, for you today, I did some quick calculations: It’s been 1,279 days or more than 42 months or roughly 3 ½ years.  1,279 days.  That number just seems impossible to me to comprehend.  But facts are facts.  And, with 1,200+ days since that moment passed, it’s important that I continue to push forward toward my new life, no matter how difficult the process of pushing is.

My last big push was the most painful I’ve experienced while focused on the smallest space thus far. In other words, it was rather high on the the pain/density scale.  Last weekend, I (and my trusty side-kick), cleared out Maggie’s bathroom drawers.  We also cleaned out Maggie’s jewelry box, one earring and bracelet at a time.  It was exhausting.  It’s been a long time since I was droolingly bone-tired and brain dead, but Sunday evening, I could barely speak my own name.  But what needed to be done is done.  Now, instead of three little drawers full of memories of her life, there are three little cardboard boxes ready for her friends and relatives to sort through, picking out pieces that represent memories of their own.  It is almost done.

My psychologist tells me “you are moving very quickly through this.”  I laugh almost every time he says that because 3 ½ years doesn’t seem very fast to me.  Yet, the pain of every single step might prove him wiser than me.  This is hard.  Regardless, I refuse to stop.  This is my mission now and I will not deviate from the task at hand.  I have been lost too long and I will no longer sit idle.  Maggie’s lost life is a tragedy in the truest sense of the word.  Yet to lose two lives would be much, much worse.  We fought for her life with all we had.  To not fight now for mine would be beyond sad.  It would be... well....  For her, I will continue, no matter how difficult this is.  I’ve been buried in a deep hole for a long time and I will not stop until the magnificent potential of life’s opportunities again shines brightly.  For her, I will not stop.  For her, I will make it through this and shine.

It's funny.  Sometimes you see people in what you think are costumes and those costumes turn out to be representations of the type of person those people want to be.  It's sort of a twisted fake-it-till-you-make-it thing.  Hmmm...   Maybe I should get a tattoo.