Friday, November 9, 2012

We Survived!

Whew! The march is finally over and G and I survived it.  I won't say it went with flying colors, but it went...just as it does every year.  Random sadness and grumpiness in the midst of the general happiness of our everyday lives.  I will admit it was easier because the backdrop is so happy...but it still hurt and it still sucked. 

The redeeming beauty of this year's march can be pinpointed to two specific moments in time. I was driving with G and we were talking about the last time he saw Daniel.  He'd forgotten some of the details, and seeing his smile as I described our last night together as a family was a beautiful, if more than a little heart breaking sight. 

Moment number two:  sitting with Carl on the back porch on the actual date of the last night before Daniel died.  I described the whole night to Carl and what we'd done (hospital dinner, watched Pimp My Ride...maybe we'd have watched something cooler in the hospital if we'd only known it was the last show...).  Carl listened to me and tried to understand my recollection and obvious angst over the date.  Most importantly, he really listened.  He sat with me.  He loved me anyway while I was sharing my sadness and bewilderment with him about another man he's never met.  He is amazing.

The march sucked.  It always does.  What didn't suck was how it reminds me of what is important.  How it illuminates for me the beauty of the people in my life.  It shows me how blessed I have been in spite of it all.

It's over, it will happen again next year.  I will not say I'm looking forward to it.  But I hope I find something positive in it again next year.


  1. I am a new reader here and I have no idea what you are talking about...could you give more of the backstory, please?

    Im amazed at reading how remarried widows have found men who are so patient to process ongoing grieving for the former spouse...nothing in my life experience has ever informed me that there are people out there willing to be that generous. Im glad you found someone that nice, but I really dont hold my breath for that to be an option for me.

  2. Hi Tammy - I've been writing for this blog since 2009, so there are lots of my posts here if you want more history, but the short story is that my husband died at the age of 35 (cancer) in 2005. I have since that time continued to raise our son (now 12) and try to make my way through this new and unexpected life. I remarried this year to a fabulous guy. The right person can handle the challenge of being married to a widow, don't lose hope! - Michelle

  3. Oh thanks for the response...I read your bio, I just had no idea what "march" you were doing or what the goal was...was it to raise funds/awareness of your first husbands cancer?

  4. Hi Tammy, sorry I misunderstood your question!! It's not a march in the sense of a walk or a fundraiser, but each year I mentally march towards the anniversary of my husband's death. My brain starts walking the days before and I mark in my memory each major milestone leading up to the day - it's not really a conscious march so much as my brain just seems to do it every year. I will feel unexplainably sad at times and later realize that time coincided with something specific from that timeline - a diagnosis, a treatment, a barbq, anything. I've always called it the grief march - it happens every year.