Sunday, December 16, 2012
I am calling myself out on my crap.
I've been doing it all week.
While talking to a friend, I realized I have commitment issues.
I’m not talking about relationship – commitment – issues.
I’m talking about committing to life.
I've realized I have a major problem seeing past today.
A friend will ask if I want to do something, go out and have fun, say, a week from now.
And I can’t really commit to it.
I think to myself “That sounds like fun. But that’s a week away. Today I just need to focus on today”.
This week I've been struggling with – is this the “grown-up” version of me, or is this the “widowed” version of me?
I've gone back and forth in my head, trying to figure out when this commitment issue started.
I guess it started about a year ago. A year after Seth died.
When Seth first died, I used to keep myself far too busy. I think to avoid my grief and pain. For almost a year straight, I was far too busy.
Then I crashed. Fell flat on my face in depression.
Suddenly I had to stop my life from spinning. I had to slow down, and just grieve.
I had to just stop. Stop everything.
Make my life stand still, so I could grieve and breath.
Now I’m afraid of being too busy.
I think the fear comes from “What if I have plans, and I’m riddled with grief, and I don’t feel like going??”.
Then I have to pull the widow card, tell my friend I don’t feel up to it, and feel slightly embarrassed that something fun is too much for me to handle.
So instead of making plans, say a week from now, it’s easier to focus on just today. Because in a week I might not feel well. I might be emotionally sick next week.
So instead of dealing with the embarrassment of having to cancel plans, I have trained myself to not look past today.
Everyone says – “Take it one day at a time”.
I don’t think this is what they meant.
I think there is a silver lining in it. Stay focused and present with just today. Not next week.
Also allowing myself to be un-busy, and just be, with my grief. Rather than avoiding my grief.
But am I missing out on life in the process? Am I missing out on something amazing – a week from now?
I can’t tell if my commitment issue is a good or bad thing.
I do know not being able to look past today, isn't exactly a great thing.
But I realized that my brain and body have naturally figured out how to handle my grief, even if I don’t like the process.
It’s amazing what the human brain and body can do.
Forcing me to focus on just today, is ironically a good thing.
Thank you my dear, tired, body.
I appreciate it.