Friday, December 7, 2012
Prayers go up....
I was sitting in the pediatric cardiologist's office, G was hooked up to a bunch of wires, and we were waiting for the first round of tests. A heart murmur accompanied by chest pains during a run could be a concern according to our pediatrician, and we were waiting for an expert to tell us what was up. Two tests later, as I watched him taking slow deep breaths, and images of his heart were projected onto the small screen, I said a silent prayer. God wasn't the recipient of this prayer - he's got a sketchy track record. My prayers were directed straight to Daniel. I know he wants the best for his son. I trust he has G's best interests at heart. I believe he will help me with my singular selfish wishes, when God is focussed on a much bigger picture. I trust Daniel's agenda.
I remember growing up praying, kneeling at night before I went to sleep. My earliest prayer was the "now I lay me down to sleep" version, and as I grew older, my prayers became more personal, more meaningful. As I watched Daniel deal with cancer and all the joy it entails, I lost faith. I won't pretend I was a hardcore Christian up to that point, but I was spiritual and somewhat of a believer that if you were good, good things would come your way. Upon realizing what God had in store for us - I decided that God wasn't with us, and that his "plan" as everyone called it, was pure bullshit. I tried to go to church after he died, but I was so angry that I would just cry in church and hate all of the happy families sitting around me. I was bitter and resentful. I didn't want to be there. God had let me down.
I'd like to tell you that I'm in a better place all of these years later - and in most ways I am. My life is pretty great, and if God had anything to do with it, I'm grateful. G is a happy, well-adjusted kid, I have a wonderful husband and all things considered I feel blessed. I don't give God much credit for it though, he's too busy. Daniel, on the other hand, is watching out for us. I'm hopeful that he's making sure that the worst G has to experience has already happened. He's taking care of my baby boy and me too. My prayers go to him. I trust that he is listening.
The good news is that G's heart is fine. His pain is from growing so fast. Nothing to worry about at all and he's healthy as can be. Thank Daniel! I mean, thank God (whatever) :)