I was sitting in the pediatric cardiologist's office, G was hooked up to a bunch of wires, and we were waiting for the first round of tests. A heart murmur accompanied by chest pains during a run could be a concern according to our pediatrician, and we were waiting for an expert to tell us what was up. Two tests later, as I watched him taking slow deep breaths, and images of his heart were projected onto the small screen, I said a silent prayer. God wasn't the recipient of this prayer - he's got a sketchy track record. My prayers were directed straight to Daniel. I know he wants the best for his son. I trust he has G's best interests at heart. I believe he will help me with my singular selfish wishes, when God is focussed on a much bigger picture. I trust Daniel's agenda.
I remember growing up praying, kneeling at night before I went to sleep. My earliest prayer was the "now I lay me down to sleep" version, and as I grew older, my prayers became more personal, more meaningful. As I watched Daniel deal with cancer and all the joy it entails, I lost faith. I won't pretend I was a hardcore Christian up to that point, but I was spiritual and somewhat of a believer that if you were good, good things would come your way. Upon realizing what God had in store for us - I decided that God wasn't with us, and that his "plan" as everyone called it, was pure bullshit. I tried to go to church after he died, but I was so angry that I would just cry in church and hate all of the happy families sitting around me. I was bitter and resentful. I didn't want to be there. God had let me down.
I'd like to tell you that I'm in a better place all of these years later - and in most ways I am. My life is pretty great, and if God had anything to do with it, I'm grateful. G is a happy, well-adjusted kid, I have a wonderful husband and all things considered I feel blessed. I don't give God much credit for it though, he's too busy. Daniel, on the other hand, is watching out for us. I'm hopeful that he's making sure that the worst G has to experience has already happened. He's taking care of my baby boy and me too. My prayers go to him. I trust that he is listening.
The good news is that G's heart is fine. His pain is from growing so fast. Nothing to worry about at all and he's healthy as can be. Thank Daniel! I mean, thank God (whatever) :)
I realized recently in a moment of difficulty that I don't pray to God anymore and haven't since I lost Bob. In the weeks and months before his death I prayed near constantly for him and the trials he faced and for me - to help me be strong and to know what to do. In the end I was praying to my father who had passed not long before and who adored my husband like his own son and now, I pray to Bob and sometimes know he watches for us and other times feel just so alone and on my own.
ReplyDeleteI totally hear you. I yelled and screamed at God so much after my husband John died that I thought I'd never pray again. Days and nights passed and the prayers remained empty. I too went to church crying through the hymns, the prayers and the happy couples around me.
ReplyDeleteEventually, I quit going, until I hit the wall. After several days in the hospital, I felt God's presence surround me. I'm remarried and my life is good. John continues to watch over me and talks to me in my dreams. I know I'm here today by the grace of God and for that I am thankful.
Author of Twenty-Eight Snow Angels: A Widow's Story of Love, Loss and Renewal
I hear ya. I'm so relieved that G's heart is ok! Sending love and hugs to both of you! xoxo
ReplyDeleteI too do the same thing. I went to church almost weekly before Todd died. I believed in a higher power. Now I am not so sure. When I pray now I pray to Todd not God. I feel stupid praying to God because he didn't come through for me just everyone else (you know, the happy families). I am still so angry. My view was never we lived a good life so nothing bad should happen to us...it was always, we have been through so much crap we didn't deserve to have his death added to it.
ReplyDeleteSame here - my faith has not come through unscathed. But then I think my whole outlook changed as I realised that I can still think about spirituality without being bound by the Bible and Christian beliefs.
ReplyDeleteGlad G is OK.
I think so many of us feel as you do. I lost faith, because I kept seeing others live while my husband died. Although I was happy for them, I still wondered why and still questioned the reasons, but I know that gets me no where. At this point the reasons do not matter, what matter's to me anyway is what I do with the rest of my life. Rob, my love, would want me to live the life he could not have. That is what keeps me going.
ReplyDeleteThanks for this post! I find that I don't pray to God as much as i do to my husband and my family that has crossed over. Our family was small, with alot of in fighting which now looking back on the reasons why, is so crazy! I know my husband is looking out for me and is my own gauardian angel now and thar brings me some comfort.
ReplyDelete