Sunday, December 23, 2012

"Even in death, love never dies"

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Every time I go through a grief "stage", I come out on the other side with more love in my heart, and more acceptance of my husband's suicide.

I have come through the anger stage (again) and thankfully it didn't last as long as it has in the past.

Out of all the stages I go through, the anger stage is the hardest.

I don't want to be angry at my husband. I know he did everything he could to stay alive.

And I know he held on as long as he did for me.

But see, there lays the problem.

He held on for me. Not himself.

Through my journey, there have been times that I am only holding on to life because of my family.

That my death would destroy my family.

So through the really bad, scary times, I think of my family.

And think "I have to get through this, for them".

I have to admit, when I crawled in to bed on 12/20/12, I secretly hoped the Mayan calender was right.

That I would wake up, but not in this life anymore.

I fantasized about being in heaven, with my family, and seeing my husband, standing there, with that gorgeous smile and inviting arms.

I prayed that my nightmare would be over.

I would get to have my cake and eat it too. My family would be there. I wouldn't have to leave them. And I would get my husband back.

The husband I married, not the husband that died.

But 12/21/12 came and went, like every other day. And once again, my prayer was unanswered.

As I face my 3rd Christmas without Seth, I am trying to focus on the holidays and being happy. I am trying to not grieve, but it's not working.

I am grieving really hard right now.

Everyday I have to take a time out. Some days I have to take multiple time outs.
A time out to grieve, cry and just be with my thoughts.

I can only cram my grief down for so long before it irrupts. With the irruption I become a hysterical mess, that lands me exhausted and useless for days later.

It has taken me 29 months to learn how to take care of my grief. It has taken me 29 months to realize what my brain, body and heart need.

It has taken me 29 months to realize that with each passing day, I love my husband more.

When I started in my journey I never thought I could possibly love Seth more then the day he died.

Ever since Seth died, I have always said "Even in death, love never dies".

Merry Christmas Seth. I love you and I miss you don't even begin to express how deeply my love for you runs.

1 comment:

  1. It was supposed to be our 10 year anniversary on December 21 (I lost him January 9, 2012). I told my therapist that if the end of the world was coming than, so what. I just wanted the kids and I to die quickly and painlessly. She was like "we have to change your indifference to death". And that is just what it feels like...indifference.