“It never stops hurting, the big losses never do, it becomes a part of your bones. It rips you apart and leaves you to figure out what to do next. It becomes a part of who you are and runs through your life like thread, coloring everything you are and do. It has informed how I choose to live, what I do, how I love. You will ache and you will hurt but you will be feeling, remembering how much love there was and how much there still is; death can never touch that. You heal and the wound closes, becoming a scar to remind you how precious things are and how well you were loved..."
It's quite insane.
5 years have passed since my love was taken but when the toughest month rolls around, even when equipped with an arsenal of optimism, friends and plans, their is a subtle nuance of loss present that unknowingly takes over my body.
I'm not sad or find myself crying, but I sleep in a bit longer, watch movies a bit more. Subtle differences that anytime of the year would seem out of place.
It's almost like the the chill that's left when you walk in from the cold. You're warm and in a safe place, but still have a chill shake you're whole being when taking off the coat and gloves.
It finds me. I stare down at the scar over my heart.
I breathe in and accept it.
The scar. The extra hot chocolates. The extra hours of sleep. The extra glass of wine. The extra tears that may creep in. The unknown. The welcome. The unwelcome. The part of me that I honorably hold eternally.
December.
well said; so poignant; compelling; thank you.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful
ReplyDeleteThe art of me that I honorably hold eternally.
ReplyDeleteDecember.
~ This is so beautiful -
My husband died November 2nd - yes, December and all that it means.
Love "the art of me"
This is my first Christmas holiday without my husband. I have felt everything you so wonderfully described above. I'm so lost and empty without him...I feel so blessed to have been loved by such a wonderful man!
ReplyDeleteI concur 100% this my first X-Mas without my wife. The holiday ads on TV are hard to endure...they are non-stop...The holiday lights on the houses and the lighted trees....:its hard to breathe sometimes...But I try to remember how wonderful our past holidays were together...
ReplyDeleteAgreed. I hate living rushing for December 26th to get here already; knowing personally "how short life really is" I want to be present, but find the holidays to be just too much. Last year in my first Christmas without my wonderful husband, my adult single kids and I decided to go on a cruise that included the actual Christmas date. That was a good decision - something totally different than we had ever done but with a taste of Christmas but not too much. This year, I decided it was "time" to face Christmas.....not sure I made the right decision because if mostly feels like I am having to plow through mud. So so hard to do with without my beloved. Nobody buys presents for me like he did - thats what a spouse does (at least mine); my kids do their best, but at night on Christmas Eve, I am well aware that I am not sleeping next to Santa Claus anymore. Just tears me up. You are right - it is difficult and "hard to breathe" is quite accurate.
DeleteThe 11th was my hubbies first angelversary and this really sums up what I felt that day... and really have been feeling all month. This will be my second Christmas without him, but the first was pretty much a blur. I was numb. I was at peace as much as I could be with the situation and I was just happy that he was finally breathing easy and not suffering anymore. But this year it's much different. I feel. I understand what I've lost. Things have caught up with me. December has definitely blind sighted me. This was very, very well written and to the point!
ReplyDelete