After a week of holidays, I have been doing well ..... all things considered.
I have lulled myself into the false sense of security that this, my third Christmas as a widow would somehow be softer than the previous two: seeing family and friends; wrapping gifts and preparing food; looking forward to next year with excitement.
But its Christmas Eve as I am writing this and it has finally hit me - Greg still won't be here, again, no matter how chirpy and upbeat I am.
He won't open the present we bought him and he won't tuck into the smoked ham, salad, treats or plum pudding.
He won't rig up a paddle pool for the children to escape the summer heat and for adults to cool their feet whilst sipping icy drinks in the shade of a tree.
We won't tag team present wrapping with scooter assembly and we won't stifle giggles as we sneak about, drinking Santa's milk and eating his biscuits.
He won't kiss the foreheads of two sleeping children before heading off to bed in the hopes that the children will sleep in until at least 6am.
....but I don't think for even one minute that he won't somehow be with us, grinning as the children open their gifts and standing close as tears are shed.
.....and I am sure that I will feel his love around me like a cloak as I get myself through another Christmas without him.
Greg still won't be here, again, no matter how chirpy and upbeat I am.
ReplyDeleteThis is the reality I, too keep coming up against as I stumble through the early months of year two of grieving. I have been such a "good sport" about all of this; won't he come back now? I can't wrap my heart around his just being gone - even though I watched him waste away from cancer.
Thank you for giving words to my experience yet again, and I hope you have had as happy a Christmas as you could.
Hugs and all I can say is that Year 3 was easier than Year 2 which was easier than Year 1.....
DeleteI am trying to feel my husband's love around me, but it's not working. I guess this is the only place to tell the truth about how I feel on Christmas morning. It's my 4th one without him, and it sucks. I recommend that you all skip Facebook today - unless you're on a widow group - all the happiness and joy is too much to take. Wishing everyone at least a moment of peace...
ReplyDeleteTo be honest, it took me until after the kids were in bed and I decided to tune into a Doctor Who Christmas Special re-run ....and it was last year's one "The Widow and the Wardrobe" which I hated (despite loving DW). I cried because this strong woman (mother, widow) didn't learn to accept her new reality, but managed to magically stop her husband's WW2 plane from crashing. I cried because her husband didn't die (odd I know). I cried because this wonderful woman didn't "show" me how strong and brave she was, but that the writers chose the "Hollywood Ending" and brought the dead back to life. ..... and it was then that I felt this incredible tingling and warmth like a hug.
DeleteI got that one today - now at the fourth round of holidays - the repeated surprise that no matter how "well" I'm doing this, or have done this, he doesn't just get to come back now, as though I had to do this obstacle course and his return is the evidence of a job well done.
ReplyDeleteYes - surely we've proven our strength and endurance by now..... Hugs for today my friend. XX
DeleteFour months into grieving for my husband, trying not to avoid any of it and thinking I was coping okay and then Christmas Eve arrived and turned me into a puddle, just popped me right back into feeling like it was day one all over again. Going it alone just sucks.
ReplyDeleteThis is my first Christmas without my husband. It has been 3 months since his passing. Going through Thanksgiving, our 34th Anniversary and Christmas has been harder than I could have ever imagined. But reading what everyone has wriiten and seeing that we do survive helps. Thank you.
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