...... can be bittersweet.
Especially when you're coming home after attending Camp Widow.
Or sometimes ...... coming home from anywhere.
On the one hand, it's nice to get back to your own bed and belongings.
On the other hand, it's difficult to go back to that very lonely bed.
And while it's nice to come home and go to bed at a decent hour,
it's sometimes very hard to fall asleep at that hour.
Though it's good to come back to your children,
it's harder than hard to pick up that only-parent weight again.
And while it's good to be home again ...... it's hard to be away from the safety of around 100 friends (old and new) who walk the same path, share the same morbid jokes, cry at the same moments, laugh at even more of the same moments ...... and make me feel so accepted, safe and loved.
Coming home ...... is usually a wonderful thing for most people.
But for most of us ...... it's bittersweet.
I didn't expect the homecoming to be so difficult but I could not get off the couch for two days and the only reason I got off today is to come to work! I want to be back at Camp Widow because I needed more :(. Home is not what it used to be!
ReplyDeleteFor me - it's not coming home, because coming home either was with my partner or he was waiting there for me - no "hi babe" or "there you are" when I walked in the door, or knowing that he would be coming in the door shortly... Just a dark, quiet bunch of rooms that haven't had anything changed, moved, or whatever since I left. It's not a place shared with the love of my life (I always told him I didn't care if we lived in a luxurious place, hovel or a garage - as long as it was with him, it would be "our home"). We had a picture at the front entrance with the phrase "home is where the heart is...". When he died I took that down and gave it to his mom as I could no longer bear to see/read it as my heart was so broken and appears to have left with him...my heart is "homeless". Yes, going to the apartment now is just going to the apartment - it's not going home...it is bittersweet!
ReplyDeleteI have the hardest time coming home after an evening out, doesn't matter if I've just run to the store or had dinner with friends...it's the coming home to "our" empty house that we shared for all those years. So, I am selling our home, trying to alleviate those triggers that deal with the house we built. No, that alone will not solve the loneliness, but I'm hoping it will propel me forward, I certainly hope it does.
ReplyDeletecoming home is hard... it hasn't been so hard since i moved but now i am living with family... will see what its like when i am back in my own place but a different location...
ReplyDeleteheaded to camp widow west in june and looking forward to it!
This is such a common experience. I call it the hard re-entry. like coming from outer space back to earth. You are home but the entry in is incredibly heard. In the early days, I could barely get in the door before I started sobbing. Now the day to day I seem to be okay. Weekends are hard, but coming home from a time away - brutal. We were always so happy to come back home and share our experience. Now it is just me.
ReplyDeleteYes Janine,
ReplyDeleteThe best way to describe coming home is bittersweet. I started to feel it Sunday morning. I am so happy that I attended Camp Widow. It makes the daily relaunching of my new self and the return home easier everyday.
Maria O.