I had it Before.
But now?
Now it is really hard to find without my one-man cheer squad.
I know I am clever. Really very clever. I mean, I have it certified on multiple pieces of paper fergoodnesssakes.
I graduated top of my university class for my education qualification; second top of my class for my science qualification. I was given scholarships to do my PhD. Which I was granted on the first submission. My final GPA was 6.7 (out of 7).
....and yet I doubt myself all the time.
Before, I had Greg to talk my ideas through with and in so doing, strengthen my confidence that I did actually have the smarts required for anything.
But Greg boosted my confidence in other ways as well.....
Knowing that he thought I was beautiful and sexy did wonders for my confidence.
When I was a blimp on legs, pregnant with our big almost-10-pound baby boy, he constantly let me know that I was not the whale I thought I was, but a beautiful, pregnant mama.
When I was given the worst hair-cut of my life (the silly hairdresser put LAYERS in my naturally-curly hair and gave me a mop) he laughed at my high-humidity-frizz-induced tantrum and said "with boobs like yours, nobody is looking at your hair". (....and nobody but him would get away with saying that).
When I was timidly starting out with my new camera, he complimented my "eye" for a shot.
He'd hear me sing in the shower and applaud.
When I tried a new recipe, he'd clean the plate.
When I tried any new thing, he'd tell me I could Do it.
My one-man cheer-squad.
....and now I find my confidence slipping in all things. I doubt my decisions on almost everything. I have no confidence in my looks or sex-appeal so I don't even bother trying to find anyone new. I frequently bore myself and wonder that I don't bore my friends to death. I cook the same meals, over and over. I rarely sing in the shower (songs have been replaced with tears). I look at my photography and suspect that the other photographers I know just say kind things about my photos because they feel sorry for me.
I don't feel this way all the time (I do not suffer from depression), and I never feel insecure about ALL of things at once ... but sometimes, more than one of the above affects the way I think about myself.
.....and I wish my personal cheerleader was here to remind me that I am OK.
yeah. It doesn't mean the same when someone else cheers you on. They don't -know- you, and, you don't have the intimacy and history to trust what they say. And - cheering from others on the wrong things feels so... enfeebling.
ReplyDeleteI so miss not only being loved, but being adored. I wish more women knew that men could make you feel so deeply wonderful - smart, strong, beautiful, amazing in every way. I knew deep down I wasn't really the best ever at everything, but is was awfully nice to have someone think I was. And to tell me so over and over and over again.
ReplyDeleteIt is harder now to have confidence and that self-assurance his love gave me. I've had to make a couple of big decisions recently and while I knew in my head I would figure out the best choices, I felt his absence and with it, his certainty in my abilities to my soul.
oh my - how that made me tear up. I am on the other side of this scale (sure, I love being told how good I am-even if it makes/made me feel uncomfortable)...but I so miss that feeling deep in my heart when I saw my partner from across the room, wherever we may be, and actually feeling my heart skip a beat with pride and love and just that sense of wholeness and how lucky I am to have him in my life - to share whatever with, forever, etc....and now it's not there...a future without a future and such a feeling of loss and incompleteness that I doubt I will ever find again. Is that being selfish - I don't think so, just being a realist, I used to be an optimist, now I'm a pessimist and not really prepared to hear from the realist.
ReplyDeleteTed
Yes, "a future without a future." Well said. Some days it is just so difficult to cope..........
DeleteHow well, you describe seeing your partner from across the room.....I too, had that. When we were at church, he was on the video team and after service I'd wait in my seat, and he'd come from behind the stage and walking toward me in the now empty church and our eyes would lock and my heart would skip a beat as he walked toward me, the love of my life.
DeleteThanks for the laugh about the haircut story!
ReplyDeleteI so wish we all didn't rely on others to boost our confidence. (Myself included of course.)
And I so miss the silliness in his eyes when he knew he was in trouble and would charm his way out of it with me. (He much preferred to 'Ask for forgiveness' vs 'Getting permission'! Lol.)
I'm seeing someone and I sometimes wonder how long it will take to feel the same type of connection - or if that's even possible. I was married for 26 years. Not so easy to recreate that...
My self confidence has taken a beating too.
ReplyDeleteEven my therapist seems a bit stymied by it. I logically see my positive attributes. I can understand on a factual basis that there was a time before I knew Dave and I was great then, too. But somehow my heart doesn't get the message. I'm a bit shocked now when someone doesn't reject me or someone actually likes my writing, or wants to be with me or notices me.
I need outside validation because I had it for so long with him. I'd become dependent on it. Working on getting it from within is a lifetime project and it's a tough one. Not sure I ever would have tackled it if he hadn't died.
I to am struggling with self confidence. My husband was always there so I never had to depend just on me. He was so more sure of things and was able to do anything. Now I have to make decisions I never made alone. I think a lifetime is about right thats how long it will take....
DeleteI too, had a husband who was my number one cheerleader; he was so validating toward me, and it was just natural. Even in life with others, he was a great encourager. I so long for that in my life. Even when I asked two friends for what I needed - words of validation - they missed the boat and told me they couldn't possibly be "my Marty" - OF COURSE NOT, nobody knows that better than me! I was just looking for simple things like, "great job getting to the gym today" or "it was brave of you to go to that chess club not knowing a soul". Not big deals and only truths, but people don't get it. The world as a whole is not very affirming or encouraging. Sad.
DeleteWell I loved the haircut comment, typical man lol I'd probably have told my wife the same thing.
ReplyDeleteI have been on this road for 2 and half years now and I know all too well the lack of confidence, the feelings that I'm boring and no one could possibly be interested, I lost my Number 1 fan.
I've been blessed enough to have found someone new (took the leap and went online, that was scary lol) and although she is not my wife (I could not hope to or try to replace her) in fact she probably couldn't be any more opposite if she tried she does instill confidence in me and although I'm doing things I've never thought I'd do I can certainly say things are not boring!
So I know that finding someone new is not necessarily the answer for everyone, I have found that trying new things ( I quit my job after 29 years and took a job that pays half but I love it) has certainly helped.
I think the best thing about being a widow (if there is a good thing about being a widow) is I just don't give a F*** anymore about a lot of the things that used to bother me, (including what I might have thought other people thought about me) and so for me its a lot about throwing caution to the wind sometimes...
I love this! Every word resonates deeply with me. Wow, even eight years later...I truly miss this. Thank you for writing this~
ReplyDeleteI so understand I feel the same way.
ReplyDeleteI am very familiar with the feelings and I am so glad to know that I am not the only one.
ReplyDeleteJust found your blog and I'm going through some of the past posts. This one really resonated. My wife was my number one cheerleader and I hope I was the same for her. I was an extreme introvert in college and somehow she picked me out as a person of interest.
ReplyDelete