...... forward.
Onward and upward.
Literally.
I really thought long and hard about writing this post.
I know that for those of you who are newer on this path, it will be difficult to read, let alone comprehend. And I totally get that.
Just because some of us are further "down the road", that doesn't mean that we will ever forget how we felt earlier on.
As if we could.
But I'm going ahead with this post, because I have yet to hold back on my feelings and experiences, no matter how difficult they've been to share. The only way we can help each other is to be honest and vulnerable.
I hope that those of you who can't imagine feeling this way, will file this post away, and go back to it in a few years.
And that it gives you hope.
Now ...... onward.
Yes, I'm moving.
Mostly.
Jim and I had talked about what we wanted to do when we sent our last child off to college. We had a few ideas. He didn't live to solidify them.
In a little over one month, our sixth, and last, child will graduate from high school. It's been a long, long road.
At least, the last 5 years have been long.
Sometimes painfully long.
But we've almost made it. The finish line is in sight and we are both beyond ready for it, #6 and I.
I've been in Texas for 22 years. Seventeen of those years were with Jim.
And now...... it's time to stretch, to spread my wings ...... and fly forward.
I have leased an apartment in New York.
City.
Smack in the midst of everything.
And I still can't believe it.
I've always loved NY and we talked about moving there after #6 left for college. Just to experience life in Manhattan. Maybe for just a year.
Or longer if we liked it.
And so I am.
At the moment I'm splitting my time between TX and NY, with much more time being spent in Texas.
For now.
The "before Janine" would never have believed that she could do this. And maybe she couldn't have.
But I can. And I am.
I've been up there (See? NY is north of here so it really is Up!) a few times since the first of the year, the last time with 5 of the kids for spring break.
I absolutely love it.
It's hard to describe how I feel when I'm there. The only words that come close are these:
I feel free when I'm there.
I'll try to explain.
And this is where it might get difficult for some of you.
When I'm in NY, I'm just ...... Janine.
I'm not ...... Jim's widow.
And Grief isn't hiding in every closet, waiting to knock the breath out of me.
In fact, I can go for a couple of days without even thinking about being a widow.
And that feels wonderful.
And free.
Five years ago I would've been horrified at the thought of going for an hour without thinking about Jim, without feeling the pain of his absence, let alone for a couple of days.
Five years ago I couldn't imagine a future without him.
Or a future at all.
And now, here I am, loving being me ...... and discovering who that is ...... this time around.
And what she wants to do.
It's like I'm starting on the new version of me.
In a way I never dreamed was possible.
I'm happy.
I'm excited.
And I'm so very hopeful.
Yes, I'd rather stay in Texas for the rest of my life ...... with Jim.
But we all know that's not an option.
I finally accepted that and decided to continue to live.
And live for me, as soon as it was possible.
So many things are possible.
Whether you believe that ...... or not.
Whether you want them ...... or not.
Whether you can see them ...... or not.
And if you don't ...... or can't ...... that's ok.
It won't stop them from being.
It won't stop you from believing ...... one day.
You know what I always say.
Take each day, each moment, as it comes.
One day at a time.
One breath at a time.
And above all ...... keep breathing.
Congratulations! How exciting. I feel happy for you. It's reassurring to read that widows can start to live again. People say that, but I haven't whole-heartedly believed it. Your post helped me believe it a little more. Maybe I'll have a different/happy/peaceful life someday too. Can't wait to hear all about your life in Manhattan!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jan. I know that it's difficult to believe, but you're already getting there. How do I know? Because you said this, "I feel happy for you."
DeleteHow amazing is that?! When you can honestly feel happiness for another widowed person, and a choice they've made, or something good that's happened, you're on your way.
Happiness is foreign feeling in the beginning of this journey. But you've felt it. Not for yourself ...... but that will come.
And it's closer than you think.
Thank you for telling me that.
I look forward to sharing about my life in Manhattan, too.
:)
Janine, your blog today is so full of hope! It is uplifting and inspiring. I am so very excited for you!
ReplyDeleteI am three years out and agree 100% that the newcomers to this widow world can never imagine that the extreme pain consuming them now will ever fade and diminish. But time does heal and life will one day resume. I am still not totally there but have come very far in 3 short years.
Congratulations to the "new" New York City Janine! Thank you for your honesty!
Anon,
DeleteThank you so much for telling me that you saw hope here today. And all of the other nice things you wrote. :)
And thank you for sharing your thoughts, too.
They also give others hope.
:)
Welcome to the neighborhood! You're right, it's hard to believe someone could feel the way you do - I'm at nearly two years and not thinking of him is still almost as painful as thinking of him - but you moving forward gives us hope that it really can happen.
ReplyDeleteAnon,
DeleteThanks! I'm looking forward to meeting so many of you who live up there!
And yes, I know that the thought of not thinking of him is painful. I remember that pain. I couldn't imagine that it would ever ease up ...... or end. And while I don't think it will ever truly end, it does ebb away for most days. Now the thought of him (which I still have, all of the time, I just don't have the pain in the thoughts, mostly) make me smile. Thoughts of him bring to mind good memories, not horrific pain.
And so it will be for you. At nearly two years you are almost past the worst part. Keep looking forward and keep putting one foot in front of the other.
And every once in a while, look behind you ...... and you'll see how far you've come.
:)
Maybe when you get a bit settled you can do a New York, New Jersey, Conn shout out for a get together of some kind.
DeleteJanine, Beautiful,thank you for the HOPE.I am at 3 months so I will tuck this away for better days. Taking it slow one moment at a time and staying in the present. Strength and peace to you on your move.
ReplyDeleteAnon,
DeleteYou're so very welcome! Thank you for taking the time to comment and tell me that you saw Hope here. :) And at THREE months!!! Wow! I'm inspired by YOU, as are many others who read your words and are new here.
I'm glad that you know you can put this post away, secure in the knowledge that you WILL be able to read it ...... and agree with it ...... at some point in the future. Continue doing exactly what you're doing ...... taking it slow and staying in the present.
And keep breathing.
:)
I totally understand how it may feel challenging to share this - and to read this, for many. On a widow's journey there is a lot that is challenging indeed, not just as in painful, but also as in deeply provoking.
ReplyDeleteProvoking our beliefs, our ideas of what is right and wrong, provoking us emotionally and spiritually. And that it is a good thing. That's how we grow, through widowhood as through any other life-changing experience.
Every life journey includes a possibility for transformation and a widow's journey is no different in that respect. We CAN move from grief to growth. It never comes easy and it does take a long time. And then it comes, and we encounter a new beginning, new opportunities, inner and outer. We find a different kind of happiness and freedom.
What a joy to read about your journey, Janine!
Halina,
DeleteThank you so much for commenting and sharing your thoughts. Thank you for passing on the gift of Hope.
I appreciate your supportive words.
:)
Wish and hope that I can be as excited as you about moving. I'm still purging those "grief closets", it is a brutal process some days, bringing back so many memories as I get rid of many years of accumulation. Can't wait until I am done with this phase...altho I have no idea of where I will land. Thanks, Janine, for giving me a glimpse of what can be. Enjoy the city life.
ReplyDeleteCathy,
DeleteDon't worry, just continue to keep focused on each moment as it comes. Yes, it really is brutal some days. That's a good way of putting it. And in the beginning, the memories bring so much pain.
But one day they'll bring you more smiles than pain. I promise.
Keep breathing.
:)
Best of luck to you Janine!
ReplyDeleteI <3 NY!
I couldn’t have imagined moving for the first year.
But I’m coming up on 3 years now and I’m finally ready to move. (Although I still waiver on this occasionally...)
It’s not even close to your move from Texas to Manhattan though!
It will just be a new house in the same city, but I’m thinking that it’s time and I’m even looking forward to the fresh start.
What did you do with all your ‘stuff’ and home back in Texas?!
I’m just now going through closets in preparation of downsizing. It’s painful at times, but I look forward to the day that it’s done and I’m elsewhere.
We were high school sweet hearts. I never had a place of my own. (I’m on my own now, but still in ‘our’ home.)
I’m nervous and excited and scared.
I never wanted this.
Or EVER expected this is how my life would turn.
I’ve obviously hated it for the most part.
But I’m determined to make the best of it.
Thanks, Valerie!
DeleteI know ...... there was no way I could've imagined this in that first year. Or even in the first 3+ years. But here I am! :)
As for my stuff, it's still in my Texas home. I'm splitting my time between the two cities for now. I'm here in Texas much more than I'm in NY ...... until August or so, when Son #3/Child #6 leaves for college.
But no matter where I decide to settle, I do plan on selling our house in about a year. And then I'll have to deal with downsizing, and the clearing out of things that it brings. I know that will be difficult ...... parting with so many things that were "ours", but I know that I'll be strong enough to do it. It just may take me longer than it takes the average person. :)
I, too, never wanted this. And never, EVER expected that my life would look like this.
I, too, have hated most of it. But the tide has turned. I became strong enough to choose how I will now live.
And I choose to do it well.
For my kids. For Jim, of course.
And for me.
I know you'll make it.
:)
Whoa, Janine. That's HUGE! So thrilled for you. It's going to be amazing.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Cassie!
DeleteYes, you're right. It's amazingly HUGE!
:)
Janine,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing this. I'm almost 2 years and I've cried most of today. I just can't seem to imagine what you say is possible. The word FUTURE seems to be only associated with profound sadness and dread. But you make sense and you know where we're all coming from. So I believe you. And I wish you well.
corrigjk,
DeleteI know how difficult it is for you to picture this for yourself. So I feel so humbled and grateful that you can, and do, believe me. That means more to me than you'll ever know. Thank you for taking the time to let me know that.
And thank you for your kind thoughts. I also wish you well.
And I wish you strength, peace and hope.
Keep breathing.
cupping hands over mouth, making crowd noise!
ReplyDeleteSue,
DeleteI LOVE THIS!!!!!
Thank you so much for making all of that noise!
You rock!
:)
Wow, that is awesome! I hope some day that I can get to this place. Thank you so much for showing us a glimmer of the hope that is out there.
ReplyDeleteP.S. Coming from Texas (I'm here too) and moving to Neew Yo-rk I imagine is a huge culture shock, especially when you have to "listen" faster when people talk than you do in Texas. :)
Anon,
DeleteYou'll get here. And I look forward to hearing what that's like for you when you do. :)
And yes, NY is a tad bit different from Texas. But so far I'm understanding the speech.
I think.
:)
Janine, I had to write! I know 2 women who have done what you are about to do, in NYC! they both are so happy they did. One is still there, just loves it. My husband was treated at Sloan Hospital in NYC, and I've imagined doing the same thing. He's been "an angel" for almost 11 months... Maybe someday...
ReplyDeleteDiane
Oh, Diane ...... thank you SO much for telling me that! That's great. :)
DeleteAnd if you do make the move, be sure to let me know. I'd love to have another friend in NY.
:)
Janine,
ReplyDeleteHow wonderful that you have shared this very personal journey!
I , too, am almost 5 years into my new life. As few as 12 short months ago, I would never believe that I am ready to sell my home and unveil the next chapter of my life.
Where I land is anyone's guess, but therapy, other widows, friends, family, medication and exercise have gotten me to this point. The point where I can look back and say that I have come far and emerged a stronger, wiser and more solid citizen of the world!
Best always,
Randi
Randi,
DeleteThanks so much for commenting and for sharing your experiences with us. It's so wonderful when others who are further (or is it farther?) down this road comment and continue giving the gift of Hope.
I wish you peace and blessings as you, too, ponder your next move in your "after".
:)
LOVE your comments, they resonate with me too at 3 1/2 years. I just took my first "vacation" and I almost didn't go, could I would I should I was haunting me then I decided to "go with the flow" and enjoy this special invitation. I had a blast! I had no idea I was even capable of laughing that hard, cherishing all the music, dancing every single night, being treated like a Queen and not drowning in mourning. I was reborn. It was Heaven sent. I spread ashes too.......had a great conversation with my husband.....and went onto one of the best weeks of my life. Hang in there girls, there is hope for all of us even if it's only 1 week. xoxo
ReplyDeleteAnon,
DeleteThank you so much and thank you even more for telling about your vacation! What an amazing gift that was!! I'm so glad that you pushed past the fear, or hesitation or whatever it was that tried to keep you from going. That shows the strength you already have!!
Thank you so much for giving so many Hope!
:)
Beautifully written, you've given many people a peek, a glimpse of what can be - what might be, some day along the journey.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing, and may Manhattan treat you well.
(I'd move there in a heart beat)
Rose,
DeleteThank you. And if you move to Manhattan, please let me know!
:)
Wonderful!! So happy for you!! Ron and I were very active members of our community so the thoughts of leaving for any length of time was not an option. My family has lived here since 1792 and is listed in local history books as some of the first non-native people to live here. But lately I have been thinking about leaving. I want to go find a place where I can just be ME. Every time I think about it I get excited and sad at the same time. I said to my son just a few months ago that my husband is buried here and I wouldn't leave if he couldn't. That still holds me back some so I have decided to start to venture out a little. I am going to start this summer by taking trips, alone, to places where I don't know anyone and just be me. The test will be if I can do it and not tell everyone I meet in the first sentence that I'm a widow. "My name is Theresa H. and I'm a widow". Thanks for giving me hope for the future, AGAIN Janine!
ReplyDeleteHi Theresa!
DeleteThanks for always being willing to jump in with a supportive comment. I appreciate your thoughts. :)
We also, were very, very active in our community. For the first 4 years of my "after", I couldn't imagine ever wanting to live somewhere else. But life has a way of surprising us sometimes, doesn't it? And not always in a bad way. :)
As I said, I would NEVER have believed I'd be at this point, this place, in my life 4+ years ago.
And maybe that's a good thing. Maybe I couldn't have handled that in the earlier days. I had to grow stronger so that I could hold so much Hope.
And I'm thrilled that I could give you some of it.
Keep on keeping on.
:)
THANK YOU... I keep going to this site looking for hope that I will survive long enough to thrive... I had almost quit checking the site because there were so many postings that left me worried that the future would always be bleak. Thank you for letting me know that there is a future me that will live again !
ReplyDeleteAnon,
DeleteYou're so welcome. I'm glad that you came back today, and that you're glad, too.
No, the future won't always be bleak. It just takes some of us longer to get to the lighter part when we've been in the darkness so long.
But we can definitely get there.
And it's so much better than I could've believed.
Keep breathing!
:)
Best of luck Janine! Many of your posts have always resonated with me, you are an inspiration of hope. I am 3 1/2 years out and am slowing, with baby steps moving forward but I am moving forward. I hope NYC brings you much happiness. We will be neighbors, I am originally from NY and am now in NJ. Let's do lunch :-)
ReplyDeleteRoseannK
Roseann,
DeleteThank you so much for your kind words. I'm glad to hear that you can relate with my words. That gives me hope, too. :)
And I would totally LOVE to do lunch!! I only know one person in NY ...... and would love to meet more. Lots more!!
:)
Janine,
ReplyDeleteAgain your post spoke directly to me. I, too, am from Texas (wished we'd met) and did what you are doing. I recently wrote to you on your blog about suicide. I, unfortunately lacked the courage or the good health to make that big of a move. I moved 5 hours away and still have to sell my huge house. But I moved into a little 1 bedroom apartment and have started my new life here.
I have gone to "meetup groups" and have met so many new people who don't know anything about my past. I am not my husband's widow, or my children's mother, or anything. I am me. The only problem I face now is getting my health back & getting rid of my legal problems. The next move might be a little braver. And, even though I am a native Texan, I would move to NYC in a heartbeat.
Congratulations!
Anon,
DeleteOK, you and Rose have both said you'd move there in a heartbeat! So I look forward to the day that you do!! And to the day we'll get to meet and hang out with each other up there. :)
Until then, I'm still in Texas so we still have the opportunity to meet. :)
Email me -- I know you have the address! :)
I'm glad that you're still here. And still commenting.
The strength will come. Just keep breathing.
:)
This is encouraging to me, even if I can't imagine it. Every now and then I get a glimpse of my life being free, a glimmer of hope that one day it could be......and then it goes away.
ReplyDeleteAs I read the following that you wrote:
"Five years ago I couldn't imagine a future without him.
Or a future at all.
And now, here I am, loving being me ...... and discovering who that is ...... this time around.
And what she wants to do.
It's like I'm starting on the new version of me.
In a way I never dreamed was possible."
I want that! And at times, as I still wrestle with "How can this be true? How can my Marty really be gone forever? How can I be leading this life, my life, this lame life, on my own? I don't like this. As a matter of fact, I hate it."
And today as I asked those repetitive questions, I found myself saying once again, "How could I not? How can I not try to plan a future? How could I not get up every day and keep moving, ever so slowly some days." I must continue to live. And in time, I hope that I can live my life to the full. Not there yet. But I have hope that someday I will be able to have the fortitude as you do to really accept and it seems like "embrace" the loss; I am moving toward acceptance, far far away from embracing my loss. Not accepting prevents any future growth and while many days, the only reason I keep walking is because it's what Marty would want; thats okay. I don't have a clue what I want, I don't have a clue who I am now. How could I possibly plan a future? And today, why would I want to without him? And yet, that is how it will have to be - he's not coming back. Sadly.
I look forward to when I can "thrive" as it appears you are ready to do, or have been doing. One day, I will see and feel the beauty from the ashes that God promises. For now, I will remain in the ashes as God continues His work that He started. Just wish it didn't have to hurt and I wasn't so sad about this new life that I never wanted. I have no idea how that will ever shift, but apparently, it does!
Mjay,
DeleteThank you for always offering a comment and encouragement. I'm thankful that you so often relate with me and my words.
Yes, I know it's hard to imagine right now, but it won't always be so hard. And you will thrive again. I know it.
But you're doing exactly what you need to be doing. Even if that means sitting in the ashes. We've all been there, and so very many are right there with you. God will continue that work. He's faithful like that. :)
I, too, wish that you didn't have to feel so much pain and so much sadness. I wish I had the gift of taking that away from all of you. But you know as well as I that I can't. We each have to walk through it. One day at a time. Some days it's three steps back, but never stop taking that one step.
And keep breathing.
:)
To each one of you who've commented ...... and to those of you who've commented in your heart ...... thank you.
ReplyDeleteSo.
Very.
Much.
I was hesitant about making this post public. And I was almost certain that there would be very few, if any, comments. But once again you have amazed and humbled me. Thank you for your outpouring of encouragement for me ...... and hope for others. Thank you for letting me know that what I write matters. T.A.N.W.* for how that makes me feel.
None.
Thank you for proving me wrong.
Yet again.
You all rock!
:)
*There.
Are.
No.
Words.
a little behind this week, read your blog first thing yesterday, but just finally this am getting time to comment. So excited for you - and not just because you are closer to me - that you are making a new home and moving forward in such an inspiring manner!! I agree that in my "early" days there is no way I could have imagined this - but I also had a lot of fear when I read posts on various sites of people years "out" who still didn't have much be a bleak outlook to share. I think it is so important that you aren't afraid to let people know that you can move on, without forgetting. Very early on I read on your personal blog something about the difference between moving forward and moving on. It has stuck with me. Particularly love your comment back to I think it' Anon 2 up above. About remembering to look behind and see how far you've come. I need to remember to do that - when i am stuck in the here and now, thinking I am not going anywhere. If I do look behind I know how far I have truly come. Thank you once again for you inspiring words! Can't wait to see you at CWE in just 2 short weeks!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Beth. As always. :)
DeleteYou inspire other by writing exactly how you feel, too.
Love you and can't wait to see you!
Whoop!
:)
I was the only one that called my wife Jane --Jane'e. Your Janine. Struck me the first time I read your posts. A long hard road for me, but I'll get there. Good luck in your journey. Are you still going to write on here??
ReplyDeleteHi Anon,
DeleteWhat a beautiful nickname for Jane (of course I may be a bit partial :)
Yes, I'll still be here.
You can't get rid of me that easily.
:)
Keep breathing on that road. Yes, it's more than hard, it's sometimes brutal, but you really will get there. I'm glad you believe it.
Love this post. Yes, I'm early on the journey yet, but I so want to be able to try and look forward. I know that is what he wanted me to do.
ReplyDeleteLove this post! I am 5+ years as well chronologically but not in the same spot emotionally. Getting there..getting there through posts like this - allowing glimpses and glimmers of hope.
ReplyDeleteI can't help but compare your move to NYC to the "old" sitcom "That Girl". Janine, you are the "That Girl" for our community of widows. Treading new ground, showing us all the way.
Good luck and much fun as you continue the journey. <3
Janine..You spoke of this plan in orientation at Camp Widow and I think it's wonderful. My husband and I attended trade shows in NY a few times and did a few weekend visits with the kids. The first time I had been back since his death was last Christmas with 2 of my daughters and it felt so wonderful. I love city life and would be perfectly happy to walk out my front door onto concrete and hustle and bustle. I think you have inspired me to give more thought about where to live after retirement. I don't think my budget will support NY,lol, but there are many other possibilities. I figure if I can drive in NY I can do most anything! Thanks for the food for thought.
ReplyDeleteI just stumbled upon this site. Very inspiring. I lost my husband three and a half years ago to cancer. But prior to my husband even getting sick, I began my grief process. Because my marriage was dying. Some of you may not understand this, at least those of you who had good, happy marriages, but for me, the tears for my husband seem locked inside. Once he found out he was terminally ill, he just quit talking to me. And he quit talking to our three boys, who were 19, 22 and 23 at the time of his death. It was like he just gave up physically and emotionally and that was that. We never had any of those talks where we both would have said, "I'm so sorry...." How I wish he would have at least written us each a letter, telling us that we were important to him.
ReplyDeleteSomething we could drag out from time to time, and reflect on it.
I am trying to move on with my life. Trying to get my house ready to sell. So many unfinished projects. And I don't even know where I'm going after the house sells.
Thanks for listening. I know in time I will be OK. And it is good to know that it is possible to move on and have a good life again.