“We grow neither better nor worse as we get old, but more like ourselves”
May Lamberton BeckerLife after death is a funny thing.
It starts with the aching wanting to die.
Equates, in some cases, to accepting that you won't right away, but you accept that you will do nothing more than merely exist.
Then it may warp into you getting a taste of life through the eyes a friend or fellow widow, through a laugh or a twinkle you see that you thought would never return.
Then you start to step into the world of the living.
Then you step out.
Then you say fuck it and find that you can be happy, again.
You can stop cursing the gods for leaving you in a world without your love,
And start thanking them for giving you the ability to live and flourish after such pain.
But after you decide to live, you start to think what the heck is next.
And you realize that it's not so much that it is difficult to figure out, as it is to imagine.
Fear can jump in. Doubt. All of those buddies that were MIA in the first months of your loss, but came to say hello when they saw you decided to join the human race.
But I've realized that if you wave hello as you walk by those evil little buddies, and walk towards what could be...it becomes a pretty awesome journey.
Freedom. Not giving a heck. The ability to create your future instead of letting others (and their opinions) feel the need to create your blue print....and I could go on.
Basically, the ability to grow up through one's grief.
To learn, make mistakes, get back on the bike, feel lost, but ultimately know that it's all going to be pretty darn awesome.
Maybe it's not growing up through the premature birth of grief that entered unwillingly. Maybe it's becoming the us that we were meant to be all along that just had a long and shitty detour before it's destination.
You have made an excellent point. Great post!
ReplyDeleteGrow up through grief. Exactly.
ReplyDeletebeautiful and so true... i am just entering the phase of realizing this is what is meant to be and finding my purpose
ReplyDeleteYou always inspire me. I admire your ability to step back and be aware of the process, feel it and articulate it. It is a quite a gift. Thank you for helping me through this journey and continuously pointing out that not all is lost, when sometimes feels like it.
ReplyDeleteLight and love to all of you on this path.
Really like this! Funny you use oversized shoes to illustrate this bc in my grief I have described my loss as being suddenly handed a pair of shoes 3 sizes too small, that don't fit and hurt like hell and yet, they are now mine to wear, blisters and all. Thank you so much!
ReplyDeleteBrilliant!
ReplyDeleteThis is exactly it. Stepping back out into the world of the living and finding that you can be happy again.
Sometimes you have to 'lean into the pain' as they say. Embrace it and realize there's a lot more living left to do. It is a shitty detour we've been handed but we're making our way.
Language??
ReplyDeleteI didn't find this post offensive at all.
DeleteI don't swear often or regularly, but I find it to be effective in conveying how I really feel when necessary.
In fact, I smiled and nodded at this point in the post:
"Then you start to step into the world of the living.
Then you step out.
Then you say fuck it and find that you can be happy, again."
Taryn,
ReplyDeleteBeautiful as usual. You capture so much about grief and the process in these few words. I especially like how you won't let others dictate your life. Even still, going on 4 years, I have people who think they know better how to live my life than I do. Your birth metaphor is wonderful for indeed when we lose our love, our life, we must be reborn into someone new in order to move forward.
And to the last anonymous, saying fuck is just fine. It is simply a word that fits the situation and what we have gone through. Besides, I read a study recently, " human behavioral studies suggest, people who use alot of swear words tend to be more honest and trustworthy." And damn, Taryn I know that to be true about you!!
The honest and trustworthy part ;-)!!!
DeleteWhat a great post. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteThis is amazing: exactly on the day when you published this post (which I didn't read until 3 days later) I had this discussion with a few friends... I shared with them that I called my newsletter From Grief To Growth and asked what they thought about it. A couple of them said that they thought that when we're grieving we're not interested in growth - just in pain relief. I argued that it depends.
ReplyDeleteAnd it does. Among other things it does depend on whether you've reached the point when you realize you're here to stay - and that you will have to find a way to be happy here. A different way, but a way nonetheless.
Thank you so much for sharing your perspective (plus I love the way you write!)