Friday, August 29, 2014

Bored Together, Bored Alone

Okay. Once again, I FORGOT to write in here late last night, by the midnight pacific time deadline. Woke up this morning and did some errands and had my coffee and prepared my teaching syllabus for college courses that start next week, and then, BAM!!! Out of nowhere, again, I suddenly remembered that I'm a widow who writes for "Widow's Voice." Oops. Seriously, how many freakin' times am I going to forget to write in here? You would think at some point, it would just become part of my overall being, and I would simply remember. You would think writing "WV" in big letters on my desk calendar, listed underneath Thursday evenings, would be a big enough hint for me to remember. You would think that the fact that I spend several hours a DAY, everyday, writing my book, which is about losing my husband to sudden death, would spark my memory that I have to write in here. You would be all kinds of wrong. I still forget. And it's been 3 years since he died, so I kind of think that using "widow brain" as an excuse at this point is a bit lame. At some point, I need to just own up to the fact that I'm a huge scatterbrain.

So here we are at 1pm eastern time on Friday, and I'm just now writing my piece. Sorry!!! I will say that my brain IS on overload this week and this month, because I've been spending a good part of the summer writing this book about this loss, and trying like hell to have it done and self-published by the end of this year, and it's been way more emotional writing and re-telling and re-living all of these stories and memories, than I ever thought it would be. Last night I cried so hard while writing the piece about the day I knew I was in love with my husband (before he was my husband, obviously.) So I'm very tired, and I also need to take breaks from all this writing. Not just because my fingers hurt after typing for hours on end, but because my body needs to get up and move and walk and go outside and talk about something besides loss and pain and death. So here we are at Labor Day weekend, upcoming holiday, gorgeous weather in NYC-area, and I really need to take a mini-vacation from all this writing, at least for a couple of days. The problem is, as soon as I made the decision to do that, I very quickly realized that I have zero plans and absolutely nothing to do.

I feel like I have spent so much time alone lately, which is okay, because I dont mind doing things alone. But there has to be a balance. I also need friends. I need company. I need to talk with people or just sit with people or connect with people. What I would love to do this weekend is sit with some friends by a pool somewhere, and just chill out, have some drinks, and jump in and swim and wade the weekend away. The problem is, I really dont have anyone to do those things with, which is odd, because I do have a lot of friends. However, it seems to me, that whenever I am feeling lonely and bored and it's a weekend or a holiday or both, all of my friends are somehow busy doing their own thing. "Their own thing" usually means hanging out with their significant other, or their own families, in the case of my many friends with kids. I do have some widowed friends, but none that live close enough to me that we can go away somewhere for a weekend together, or none that I feel close enough with to want to do those things. A lot of my widowed friends also have kids, so our lives are just very different sometimes. Then I have widowed friends AND single friends, who like the "singles" lifestyle. Hanging out at bars on weekends, loud clubs, drinking, trying to find dates or hook-ups. That is just not my thing. So lots of times, what Im left with, is myself. I don't mind speding time with myself, but it's getting a bit old. There are a lot of days I feel so lonely and so bored, and just don't know what to do about it. Then I remember the days of sitting around and being bored with my husband. How glorious and ordinary and wonderful that was, to be bored WITH someone else. To hang out together and do nothing all day long, and not care. Now, on days like today, I feel restless and depressed and sad. I miss my buddy. My friend. My person to sit around and do nothing with.

This sucks.

12 comments:

  1. Kelley,
    I am in the same boat as you, except I really don't have any friends at all. I spent so many years with my husband and raising kids and just being with him that I didn't have time for friends. Now that he is gone I am alone most of the time except when I am with my daughter and son. Everyone else is making plans for the long weekend and I wonder what I am going to do with myself. It is very lonely sometimes.

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    1. Im so sorry LuAnn, that must be even rougher when you dont have a "built-in" community of friends and people to hang out with. I really am lucky in that respect - to have friends and people around me - but most of those people are with their own families and partners on weekends like this one, which leaves most of us twiddling our thumbs at home ....... Sigh.

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  2. Oh, Kelley Lynn, you are right on, again! It's going to be three years for me soon (Dec. 15). And I always seem to relate to your posts more than to anything else I read about widowhood and being alone. I don't mind if you are "late" with your posts. I'm sure those of us who follow you consistently will agree with the old saying: "Better late than never."

    Much love to you on this long weekend. Another long holiday weekend without a loved one to spend time together, fun filled or boring.

    Carol M.

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    1. Thanks Carol. Yeah, Im pretty bored right about now, and its only Friday lol. Not a good sign. Thank you for letting me know that you relate to what I write. It means a lot. xoxo ...

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  3. Me too I am bored and sad. It been a year today that I lose my best friend and husband

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  4. My husband died one year ago next month. I lost my home, my beloved cats, and all financial security. I moved in with my daughter and s on in law. My vehicle needs a new transmission so I currently have no vehicle. I have several health issues and have applied for disabled widows benefits and have been turned down twice. I now have a lawyer. I too have no friends other than my daughter. When my husband became sick and had to quit his job of 20 years all the people we knew never came around. I too am very bored and lonely. I don't know what to do with myself during the day. With no income and no vehicle what's a girl to do? I feel so lost. April Baldwin

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    1. Im so sorry April. That sounds incredibly lonely. I am lucky in that I DO have many friends here in NYC, and I have a pretty active life usuallly - its just holiday and long weekends like this one, all of those people are with their own families doing their own thing, and my family/husband is gone. Im so sorry that you go through this type of feeling on a daily basis. Of course you feel lost, losing so much in addition to your husband. Plus, its only been a year, so its still very new for you. I promise you things wont always feel this hopeless. Try and hang in there. I know its so hard xoxo.

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  5. dear Kelley,

    It must be so emotionally exhausting writing your book, even though it is a true labor of love. and on top of that now there's the holiday week-end - bleck. I, too, would give anything to have those ordinary, sometimes boring days like you wish you could have with your Don. feeling empty and left out of life - especially on week-ends and holidays. thank you for this post - late, or not, your words are right on and it's good to know (but awful, too) so many of us are in the same boat.

    much love,

    Karen xoo

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    1. "Empty and left out of life" is the perfect description for it. Thank you.

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  6. Yep - the loneliness is the pits! I'm lucky that my sister and her family live a few streets away so I can always hang out there on holidays or if I'm bored but it's not the same. Missing Dan leaves a unique kind of loneliness that no one or nothing can fill.

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    1. My entire family is 4 hours away, and it is the WORST on days like today, when I know they are all together having a BBQ, and Im here all alone. My parents, my brother, his wife, and my neice and nephew. It hurts to be around them sometimes too, but it hurts much more to be lonely with nobody to talk to.

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  7. Me too. I miss my best friend to just hang out with and be bored together. We were good at making our own fun. His jokes were so lame they were funny, and all that shit.

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