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I never dream about Dave. This doesn't make sense to me. He was the most important person in my life for 15 years. We were so close and we spent so much time together.
Where is he in my dreams?
I dream of people who've barely been in my life at all instead.
I have stress dreams about teaching like I used to have every late summer as fall approached. The kids are completely out of control and I can't quiet them down or start a lesson no matter what I do. I can't even yell loudly enough to be heard over their racket. I can't get to work on time no matter what I try and my students are all alone in my classroom all morning, I come to work barely dressed with no time to go home and get clothes.
I have inane dreams my mind can't be bothered to remember.
But that day? I never dream about that day. Him? I never dream about him.
What on earth is this about? I don't pretend to know how dreaming actually works, or how my dreaming in particular works. And I'm trying not to compound my pain too much by feeling guilty about it. This particular aspect doesn't have any bearing on the relationship I had with him, I know that. I just wonder about it, in a scientifically curious way.
I've been told it's protective. You dream about the person you lost when you're ready to. Well, I'm fucking ready to. I always was.
I've been told you just have to think about that person before going to sleep and make the intention to dream of them, and you will. If all I had to do was think of him and hope for a dream, then I should have been dreaming of him nearly every night since the day he died. I don't begin each night's sleep thinking of teaching (I don't even teach anymore) but I do dream of teaching.
So, what the hell? Where is he? Why isn't he in my subconscious? Why is my mind clogged with stupid meaningless stress dreams? I wish they'd provide me some comfort, healing, closure...something.
I watched a show today in which the main character told her son that we dream so we can work through all the things that happened to us that day. I'm still working through the fact that he died every day. I'm still working through the impact of that day on my soul, body and mind. I'm still processing. Not nearly as much as I was, but still. Where are my dreams that will help me process this?
I suppose I should just be glad I don't get nightmares and leave it at that. Stop looking for something to worry about or lament. But what kind of brain doesn't dream about the most painful, shocking and heart-breaking event of my life?
I don't have any answers, but I have the same situation. In more than seven years, I've only had two dreams about my husband, and the first one wasn't until he was gone more than two years.
ReplyDeleteI'm with you Cassie - where are my dreams about Bruce? I, too, feel cheated and guilty at the same time. A friend of his tells me about her dreams of him.... Good to know, as always, that I'm not alone on this one.
ReplyDeleteSo glad you touched on this. I can't dream either and wish I could.
ReplyDeleteWell, I'm almost to year 3, and I've only dreamed of my husband twice. I think it's because I can't stand to lose him again, even in dream form. I forget which school of dream interpretation it is, but one of them is that every person in your dream is an aspect of yourself. Maybe your Dave was too much his own person for your brain to be able to recast him that way?
ReplyDeleteI think those "stress dreams" are nightmares. At least mine are. Any dream I wake up from in a half-panic, more stressed than when I went to bed, I call a nightmare anyway.
Hugs
That's an interesting theory! You're right, stress dreams are their own kind of nightmare. Fortunately, though, I've not had nightmares specifically about Dave dying. At least I've been spared that.
DeleteI'm with you! I've dreamed of my husband maybe 4 times since he died 26 months ago and each time, he was in my dream for about 5 seconds! What the heck!?! We were married for 20 years and that's all I get?!? Other friends and family dream if him all the time and while I'm glad for them, I'm wondering "What about me!?" The infamous "they" say you dream of your loved ones when you need them most but I think I need my husband every day, so where's my dream?
ReplyDeleteI have no choice but to wait patiently and maybe when I'm least expecting it, I'll get a long, happy dream.
--Marissa
I've experienced this too. People who didn't even know him have said they've dreamed about him, but me? Nope. Frustrating.
DeleteI feel fortunate to have had one incredible dream of him after he died...now I just get nightmares. Had one last night. Would rather not. Blessings to you.
ReplyDeleteI get it. I have the same feelings because I have such vivid dreams about nonsense and never about my husband. If you figure it out please share.
ReplyDeleteI've dreamed about him a couple of times, but even the good dreams still leave me wrecked for the rest of the day. I think I'm not having more dreams because my mind is trying to protect me.
ReplyDeleteIt was four years before I had a dream about my husband. During the first four years he visited others' dreams. It really made me angry/sad when they told me about their dreams because I wanted a special dream of my own. When I finally had a few dreams, the whole experience ended poorly and was disappointing. Not what I wanted.
ReplyDeletei wonder if it's because we think of them all the time-it's not like they are in our subconscious-they are in our consciousness. friends aren't thinking about him all the time like i do. i have had a few dreams of him but wish i had more.
ReplyDelete