Saturday, August 9, 2014

Carry On, Phenomenon

It's been a while since I've cried like I did tonight. And it wasn't because of anything profound happening. It was just because of a movie. I went out to see The Hundred Foot Journey. It was a beautiful movie and a well-told story. And I am a big foodie, so I always love a movie that bubbles with a deep, soulful love of food.

The part that really got to me was the young couple of chefs that fall in love. That young, bold, sensual, adventurous, effervescent love of two young ambitious, smart, passionate, kind souls. A lot of the time I honestly forget what that felt like. Sometimes I hate that I can't remember, other times, I'm glad… because honestly it's easier when I can't remember. Less painful. Seeing it up on a screen in front of me though, in these two young people with nothing but life and possibility ahead of them, the knife began to twist.

A few miles out from leaving the theatre, just the right song came on… and then it hit. FULL ON BREAKDOWN.

Immediately I began screaming. In pain. In rage. In agony. Tears throttled from my eyes, pouring down my face. I gripped the steering wheel to his big black truck so tight I thought my hands might cramp up. I could barely see the road - a small, back-country road outside of town - so I ended up at a stop sign and just sat there and screamed and cried and screamed and cried. I screamed WHY!!! And I screamed "you were supposed to be here!!!" and I screamed "NO!!!" over and over again. Until my voice went hoarse. Until the song was over. Those three minutes felt like a lifetime of crying. But really I find that I can only cry in an explosive way like that for just about one song length before I completely exhaust myself. And then the next song came on the radio, and it said…

"You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine.
Just own the night like the 4th of July."

Ignite the light. Own the Night. I know not everyone believes in signs and communication, but I get a lot of really clear ones that have made it impossible to not believe. A lot of them come from songs. Especially when several songs in a row say the same thing. The next song that came on as I drove on home said to me "Don't fight it. Ignite it. There's much ashore… I think it's time you set this world on fire". Well dang! That was a song I'd never heard before. And then the NEXT one, which I'd also never heard before, from some obscure band, said this:

"But the fateful truth burns on and on, and on and on and on and on, on and on
When in doubt you made me stay connected in with the beyond and on
Like when the radio, plays on and on, and on and on and on and on, on and on. 

Carry on!
Carry on phenomenon
So you got the best of me, So amazingly, Carry on!
Carry on phenomenon"

By now, the tears are gone, and my fire is restored. I am smiling softly, with a calm resolve I haven't felt in a while. For a moment I am reminded of his bright spirit and his energetic soul so clearly. He is the one that is always trying to remind me that everything is okay, that he is right here. The one that is always finding ways to tell me to keep going, to own the darkness like only I can do… through my photography and my writing. To set this world on fire with my talent and my heart. He knows that I'll know exactly what it's all about.

Smiling, I say aloud "you're never really going anywhere, are you?" And for a moment, I am reminded that they don't leave us. Not really. They are always here, trying to help guide us and encourage us and comfort us in all sorts of ways. Trying to remind us that it's okay to carry on, it's okay to embrace life again and live boldly and shine our brightest, because we won't be doing it without them. They're going to be by our side the whole time.


  1. I am so glad I'm not the only one!

  2. And I'm glad I'm not the only one either. For sure I think there MUST be something to this if so many of us experience this kind of thing. Thank you for sharing this Sarah.

    1. I'm with you on that Stephanie. Thank you so much for reading and sharing.

  3. Thanks for a good cry. Your words spoke to me too.

  4. Grief is so physical. Aren't you surprised by it, amazed by it,
    and utterly blown away at how much it hurts in the very core of
    your being. And the crying and screaming is the only way it can
    be released. And the two shall become one flesh--and we are torn
    asunder, and it is so very painful.

    1. Indeed I am. Surprised and amazing by it - by the depth of the love it comes from and the pain it creates. In a strange way I'm not entirely amazed in a negative sense. Thank you for sharing and for reading this one.

  5. dear Sarah,

    I am so glad to know I am not alone - this was a beautiful post and it really consoled me on a day after I screamed and cried for hours and hours, then had such profound and reassuring signs from my Love. it's hard, so so hard when we can't FEEL their presence while in the throes of such anguish; then there's one helluva release, and the signs are there. so glad you received them with so much love and reassurance.

    much love,

    Karen xoxo

    1. I'm So glad this reached you when it did. Sounds like it was good timing. Thank you so much for reading this one and for the comment, it means a lot to me to know it helped you.

  6. thank you ,,, thank you ,,,,thank you <3

  7. Thank you for this post. Last night was First clear dream with Jim's whole face and body in the 4 months since he died. Waiting for me and opening his arms as I walked to him. So noe I know if only for a moment that I am too am not alone