Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Inversions~

I felt safe with Chuck.  Emotionally.  Physically.  Every way.  I knew that if a situation arose, he could handle it.  I felt protected in a way I'd never felt in my first marriage.  My well-being was first and foremost in his mind.  His military training was in his blood and he'd run through "what if" situations with me so that I could plant responses in my head, but I always knew, if he was around, he'd ensure my safety.

He died and all sense of safety flew out the window.  I was out in southern California, no family or friends around, with our community all the way back on the East coast.  The only way to get there was to drive.  Mapping that out, routing it out, left me paralyzed with fear.  Thank all the stars in heaven, his sister road-tripped with me for a good part of the way and took over with those details.

I've continued to live on the road, towing my new home behind me.  I'm on my third cross-country trek since that mid-April day of 2013 when he died.  And I don't understand the whys and wherefores, but I feel safe again.  I have no fear.

And I've thought about this.  How can I possibly feel as safe as I do, when I meet strangers daily, dozens of times a day, strangers who approach me constantly, when I'm in new places every few days, on new roads?  My world is filled with strangers more than well-known friends.  This feeling of security doesn't necessarily make sense to me.  But then, nothing makes sense any longer and therein lies my answer.

I was so fearful after he died, so fearful of living life without him, not just physically but emotionally, that the fear inverted itself into no fear.  A bucket can hold only so much of anything, right?  Full-fledged fear became no fear.  I felt so unsafe when he died that it inverted to a complete feeling of safety.

Maybe someone can explain this more fully.  Me, I don't over-think it.  It is what it is.  I have situational awareness-he did a great job of teaching me that, but beyond that, I keep my heart open to people and Love and what the road brings me to.  I trust fully that I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing and I trust that I'll be safe.

Somewhere in me is an acute awareness that Chuck set me on this Odyssey and that is why I trust my heart to guide me, to meet hundreds of strangers who are set in my way, to allow the Universe to open for me.  So much of it hurts like fucking hell, its exhausting in most ways, and grief is everywhere I turn.  I won't lie to you about that. But I know there is something bigger than what I see, going on here.

So, yes, I feel as safe as I did when he was at my side, and I have no fear, no matter what is thrown in my way.  Full circle.  Somehow...somehow...he is guiding this, guiding me, into a new life, and I trust him now as I always have.

Driving on, driving into.  No worries.

11 comments:

  1. Thanks for this.

    Your comments in the first paragraph are exactly what I have been dealing with. My husband was career Army and had 5+ years combat experience. I travel a lot for work and he always ran through "what if" issues so that I would really think out what I was going do if ... something happened. I also knew that he had a lot of friends, and that the ball would be rolling if something ever happened to me when I was elsewhere and needed help, even if it is was very unofficial and/or under the table. We talked about that ... did I want to wait for my Company to respond or rely on my husband. What answer did I give? Obviously, I wanted results!

    Now that he is gone, my mini Delta Force liaison/plan is too, and I feel very differently about my safety and probably will not ever travel to some of the non-US places I wanted to, just because I'm not sure how to manage the safety issues on my own. Like you, I don't have problems with here in the US or elsewhere in "first world" countries, but not sure about my travel to "third world" places. Travel insurance alone doesn't cut it for my peace of mind.

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    1. We have this in common, don't we? The preparedness that can make such a difference, and yet...

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  2. So inspiring Alison. I love following your Odyssey!

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  3. I've thought about renting an RV and hiting the road. Fear after D passed and not knowing how to handle brown and black water has kept me from going. What advise do you give a non-camper?

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    1. So, I had the same nickname for Chuck-I called him "D". And believe me, I am a non-camper of the first order! I have very much a love/hate relationship with this new life of mine. I'm out of my element. But I've learned and there are so many willing to lend a hand at all the places I stay. All I know, in reference to your question about water, is black water and gray water. My trailer only has gray water to get rid of-from the sink when I've washed dishes, which, honestly, isn't very often because I don't cook much. For that, I attach a garden type hose to the gray water hose on the outside and there's a pipe in the ground that I place that into, and pull the lever back and it drains. Having said that, I forget sometimes what I've learned. The sink was backing up in my trailer and nothing I did with the outside hose worked and I thought I'd need to get a plumber until my daughter asked someone who passed by in the campground and he showed me the lever to pull back, which I then remembered I knew about. Advice that I'd give to a non-camper? Ask for help every time you need it. People will help. And there are more and more women out here on the road full-time, so you won't be alone~

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  4. Alison, I am also dealing with a lot of fear at the moment.I was going to list the steps I have taken to overcome it, the micro-brain-freezes that sabotage me, but the truth is that I don't know how I am surviving. I just remind myself to breathe, live moment to moment, and look to my successes in the past to assure me that I can handle whatever comes. -Snowygirl

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    1. I don't know how I'm surviving either, honestly. Just one breath at a time, like everyone else, same as you. And then one day we look up and we're somewhere different. I've learned to not make any judgements on any emotion that I'm feeling at any given moment and that's probably been my greatest achievement~

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  5. So True...yes, my favorite place in all the world...safe, in my love's arms...
    now...what more is there to fear???.. we were terrified...and then...we stared fear in the face and it vanished...

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    1. Exactly, Grace. We've stared death in the face and watched it rob us of our lives as much as it robbed our loved one's of their lives.

      No fear.

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  6. Hello, I guess I say here, that we were so Blessed to have Ben married to real men! Family first.. Safety.. Me too 34 yrs..oh how I misssss himmmm.., but my sister and I were talking the other day, and she said something to me, she said I'm taking my Life back..hmmmmm???? Ok? Then it hit I was me before I ever knew him at 14... A person with no adjustments..??? Lol.., but at my age now , yes the foggggg has lifted.. I think I'm gonna take my Life back.., and still be so ever grateful to God for the season in my life with a loving husband of 34 yrs...I will count me Blessed...

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    1. Blessed in ways that many never experience~

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