Stormy Weather

 source

Don't know why there's no sun up in the sky
Stormy weather
Since my man and I ain't together,
Keeps rainin' all the time

- Stormy Weather, Billie Holliday

As I type this, not one, but two hurricanes are barreling their way towards the Big Island of Hawaii, where I live. Honestly, I really just found out about all of this on Tuesday. Since Mike died, I don't get the newspaper anymore, nor have I been watching much television news. I'm not sure exactly why. When he was alive, we were both on top of happenings and events, both worldwide and local. Without him around to share it with, it all just seems...meaningless. Or maybe, just too much to handle on top of everything else.  Maybe the additional burden of the possibility of having to survive a long emergency without him is something I just haven't had the mental stamina to anticipate. But suddenly, I am reminded that the storms will come whether I'm ready for them or not.

It makes me think too...people die, whether we're ready for them to or not.

Mike was super into disaster preparation. And when he was alive, I was too. Especially after the tsunami hit here, we carefully prepared for any other possible ensuing emergency. My garage is still full of all kinds of things - food, water, camping gear... together, we felt like we could weather whatever might come. With him, anything seemed like an adventure. I felt safe with him. I trusted he would take care of me, no matter what. Yes, I do have family and friends, both old and new, and good neighbors I can rely on if need be. But there was just no one like Mike. Anyone who knew him, or even knew of him, knows that as well. He himself was a force of nature. He was like a one man army, and that is no joke.

So it seems like the ways to miss him just keep coming. But thanks to his support and my own work the years before he died, I am physically prepared for these hurricanes, as much as I can be. I have plenty of stored materials to survive far longer than the one week they suggest. And historically, hurricanes like this tend to weaken considerably once they near the island because our tall mountains break them apart relatively quickly. But a lot remains to be seen from these two incoming tempests, as I'm writing this. I just hope the concern on the faces of our state officials is unwarranted. O.O 

Being psychologically prepared for disaster without Mike is another matter entirely, especially given how I've stuck my head in the sand since he died. But I remember that when he was alive, we would have anticipated the storms on high alert and with a sort of adventuresome spirit, setting out our solar lanterns and tarps, and getting our backgammon game ready. So after much thought the past few days, I've decided I will do just the same. In a sense, I've been weathering a storm already. These coming hurricanes have made me realize that I've spent the past nearly 18 months gathering the psychological and spiritual supplies to survive a personal disaster I hadn't anticipated. 

So bring it on, storms. I'm already weathered, tarped, prepped, tested, waterproofed and bolted down. You cannot move me, and I'm not afraid of you.