Saturday, August 2, 2014

Running on empty

Do you know that saying 'running on the smell of an oily rag'? Maybe it's an Australian thing, but it's the best description I can think of to explain how I'm feeling today.  I'm exhausted and my tank is low. My 'refuel' light is flashing and I need to pull up and refuel.

So, I'm trying to lay low this weekend and as much as I want to pour my heart out here and write about this past week, the first anniversary of Dan's funeral and what it's been like to creep into my second year, I just don't have the energy to scrape it together. I'm sorry, I take my commitment to Widow's Voice very seriously and I promise I'll be back next week, pushing the limits of my word count.

In the mean time I thought I'd share an extract from my personal blog that still applies to how I feel today. Thank you for checking in and remember - it's ok to put your own needs first sometimes, in fact, it's essential. I know you guys get it. 

"Most days I don't really think about HOW my husband died anymore. The shock of his suicide has eased and now my pain is mainly focused around the loss of him, how much I miss him and my sadness for the life we should be living.

There are still days, however, where it creeps in to my mind or I find myself needed to share my story and as I get to 'that' bit... the uneasiness in my stomach grows again.

This morning I saw a health professional and as we discussed the stress I've been under due to my personal circumstances, it became relevant to explain the trauma around his death.

After all this time, I still stumble with the details and struggle to deliver it gracefully. 

It seems so inadequate to just say 'he took his own life'. 

He deserves more than this, he was so much more than 'just' a victim of suicide and I feel compelled to try and explain his actions. 

The most adequate explanation (short of spending a good 20 minutes going through what a brilliant, good-hearted, thoughtful, caring man he was) seems to be along the lines of: 'he had depression, we had no idea how badly... His symptoms were predominantly memory loss and inability to focus, so he became convinced he was developing dementia and, during a suspected psychotic episode, took his life to save us from having to care for him.'

But the truth is, this is merely the picture I ended up with from the prices of the puzzle that I could pull together. Pieces like: the beautiful, heart-felt note he left me; conversations we had about how scared he was by his symptoms, as well as those he had with his doctor; the assumption by police that his death was not planned or pre-meditated, but carried out in a state of detachment; and the undeniable fact that he adored me, and would never have wanted to willingly cause me this pain.

However I will never truly know what happened in his head that day. There will always be questions that creep in when I let my guard down. I will never fully understand the 'why's, no matter how much I try to help others understand and accept.

Maybe the best I can hope for is to find peace in knowing I will never know, and one day I won't need to ask the questions anymore."

15 comments:

  1. I understand ur feeling realy very well,i m also going through this as well,though i m busy or free i always thinking about the same question WHY he did this to himself and why he leave me alone as he loves me very much,how could he do so,and y he do so.but without geting any answer i m still doing the same...same as i was 14 months ago on his death

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    1. The questions are so relentless, aren't they. I sometimes feel like I've made my peace with them and let them go, only to have them come racing back a few months on. I hope in time I will be able to let them go - and I hope you can too. Lots of love

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  2. Yes, it is indeed essential to put our own needs first sometimes. My one year mark is coming up in 4 weeks and I'm already starting to feel the anxiety building up. Have already warned my friends that I might be bothering them a lot more than I already do.
    You take rest. Big hug..

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    1. Asha, I'm glad to hear that you are reaching out to your friends and preparing for your anniversary. The build up is hard but speaking about it makes such a difference for me. Good luck, I'll be thinking of you.

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  3. I am so sorry for your loss Rebecca. And yes, it's perfectly fine to put your own needs first when u need to. We DO get it & understand. I hope u r able to come to terms with this one day. It must be terribly painful, more so than losing them from natural causes or accidentally as most of us have done. God bless u & keep u safe. I will keep u in my prayers. Brenda

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  4. Dear Rebecca,
    Of course your running on fumes, traveling to U.S., attending Camp Widow, unpacking and doing life's normal things is no walk in the park, especially doing it all by yourself. We get it, we know know it's no easy task to try to put our lives back together and write a column every week, I don't know how you seven do it week after week. We desperately need your hope and encouragement to help pull us down this crappy road that we never asked for. Take any time you need, you deserve any break you need to heal. This sucks for you and each and every one of us. Tomorrow Aug. 3- 2013 will be the last time that my wife of 35 yrs., Pam will have come home from the hospital alive. Ten days there for neutropenic fever. The end is near. After 3 yrs. and 2 weeks of fighting brain cancer-gbm- and 6 mo. of fighting leukemia- aml , I will loose my high school sweetheart on Sept. 19. No matter how the story unfolds bottom line is that in the end we lost our precious loved ones. We hurt, we don't understand this journey, were very angry, were lost, but we are all in this boat together. Thank you for speaking to our hearts and making some kind of sense of our feelings that many will never understand. God bless

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    1. Hello, oh u have my deepest sympathies...it is a journey none of us wanted to take.. But when u spend over half yr life w someone u r in a place with a huge void...for me I found myself looking for himmmm.. Turn around..down st.?? Is that u?? Me too Ben together since kids..I knw yr pain.. Jeff I wish u the best crawling out of this..

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  5. Dear Rebecca,
    Of course your running on fumes. Traveling to the U.S., attending Camp Widow, unpacking, doing what must be done, and writing a weekly column is hard for anyone especially someone alone. We get it, we understand so you take whatever time you need. We desperately need your insights, thoughts, and wisdom to help get us down this miserable road that we never asked to go down. I am so thankful for you seven wonderful widows that are willing to take time to help us understand why we think the way we think and feel what we feel. You certainly deserve a break any time you feel overwhelmed. Last year Aug. 3- 2013 marks the last time that my wife of 35 yrs. will leave the hospital alive. 10 days of neutropenic fever.. time is running out. After 3 yrs. 2 weeks of fighting brain cancer-GBM and 6 mo. of fighting leukemia-AML, I will loose my high school sweetheart and be lost and alone on Sept.19. The names, places and events are all different but in the end it is the same, we all lost our loved ones and it rips us apart. Thank you all for helping us to make sense of this insanity and to give us hope to live and love again.
    God Bless

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    1. Jeff thank you so much for your kind words of support. As a writer here I get a lot out of the process of working through my thoughts and feelings but it helps so much to know that others benefit too, I'm so honoured to be able to help readers, even for a minute, feel like they aren't alone. I'm so sorry for your loss, I will be thinking of you on September 19 xo

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  6. I have had mental illness, depression & psychotic episodes. These are horrible, frightening experiences and if you haven't experienced them they are impossible to explain. Try to let go of your guilt about not understanding what was happening to your hubby. You would have to be superhuman to have understood and been able to help. My husband died from cancer, but I feel no guilt about being unable to save him, and neither should you about not saving your guy from mental illness. It is a disease that, like other diseases, sometimes kills. The question of his love for you or yours for him is no more relevant to the cause of his death than it is in the cause of my husband's death from cancer.

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    1. Thank you so much for your wise words and I'm so sorry that you're also suffering from mental illness, it is such a cruel, lonely disease. I really appreciate the reminder that I couldn't have saved him. I'm also sorry for your loss.

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  7. Rebecca - the words from your personal blog RESONATE within me. I'm a widow and a survivor of suicide - My husband died suddenly from a heart attack 2 years after my beautiful 25 yr old son took his own life. Aug 9 will be the 8 year milestone of his death and everything you wrote speaks volumes to my heart. As I walk this week leading up to his death, I really needed to hear you words... Thank you!!

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    1. Thank you for sharing Becky, it means a lot to know that people read and that sharing my story helps. I am so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine how difficult it must be to have lost both your son and your husband, you are in my thoughts and prayers xo

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  8. dear Rebecca,

    I am so very sorry for all you have and are enduring...so many questions that beg for answers, and the emotional exhaustion that is so decimating. thank you for sharing the excerpt from your personal blog. I send you my ardent wishes for rest and respite from the reels I know must spin over and over in your head; and lots of warm hugs straight to your heart...

    with love,

    Karen xox

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