Thursday, October 2, 2014

Junk Mail



Today I grabbed the mail from the mailbox, saw it was mostly junk, and tossed it on the floor of my car as I sped off downtown for a few errands. Stopped at a stoplight I looked down and noticed a flyer from our local vision center which said brightly, we miss seeing you! Specials now...etc, etc.  

I thought for a moment...huh. They miss me? I just got new glasses a couple of months ago. Then with a pang I realized they meant Mike. I reached down to pick it up, my suspicions confirmed. Another piece of mail for him. Another business still unaware. Yeah. I miss seeing him too.

After someone dies, we are faced with the horrible chore of dealing with estates, banking, property, etc; transferring of names, canceling credit cards, sending death certificates and whatever else. Once the important pieces are taken care of there is a sense of relief, if we are so lucky. Sometimes, there are bits and pieces that still come up down the line that we hadn't realized we needed to deal with, and I know some people are faced with even more difficult circumstances. But I imagine nearly all of us are continually faced with the junk mail that still comes for our missing spouse. And it always comes with a little pang, a deep sigh, or maybe a few tears.

I could call the store and let them know I suppose. Maybe I will. Or maybe not. Because the other side of the coin is the thought that someday, I may never see anything else addressed to him. That is horrible in its own way too.

The same mixed emotions emerge when I'm faced with meeting people who are new to me, but knew Mike. It is a small town and for several years we ran a business together here and I just don't remember, or didn't know, everyone who came through our doors. This past week I've met two such people. It is, again, a small stinging pang when the connection is made and he enters a conversation with someone when I wasn't expecting it.  (Well, he always did take over a conversation anyway...ha.)

The other side of that sting is that I am grateful that people remember him and want to talk about him. It would be worse, I think, if they avoided saying something because they felt uncomfortable (which grief often tends to do.) But when it's an unexpected connection - a random, how weird is that thing? ...I don't know. It's hard...and also somehow comforting. They're not here anymore...but they did touch people while they were. 

One of the worst things is when you meet someone who doesn't know he's dead. The other day, someone who didn't know either of us personally asked a question in reference to some business matters that still bore his name. They asked, oh so what does he do now, is he retired? 

No. He died.

I gave a small, sad smile and waited to see how they would fumble around, because what am I supposed to say? He's dead. Yeah, he's dead. I kinda feel bad for the awkwardness of that moment but I also kinda don't. In the last situation it was pretty obvious from the word "estate" on the documents in question that he was passed...I'm betting that person won't make that mistake again with anyone else.

Another friend of mine, a widower whose wife has been gone several years, told me the other day he had a similar experience recently. Someone he hadn't seen for awhile came into his place of work and asked about his wife. My friend just shook his head slowly into his beer, and I sighed and put my hand on his arm knowingly. Because...that sucks and we all know it.

About two months after Mike died, some clients of his came up our driveway. I was downstairs doing laundry and I came out wondering who that could be. They were clearly upset because they'd been trying to get in touch with him but his phone was cut off. When I told them, they were shocked and then quite embarrassed about the way they'd acted at first. 

We can put obituaries in the paper, we can take care of all the details of a death we possibly can, we can make every effort to continue on with the business of living without them...and yet, their presence may always continue to linger in these strange and unexpected ways. The pangs are hard, when they come. And yet...somehow there would be a sad finality to it all if it stopped happening. Which, one day, I suppose it will.



13 comments:

  1. A year after my son died, I received a piece of mail from a company he had done business with, in big red letters was 'We Want You Back" it hit me like a ton of bricks... through tears I yelled, I WANT YOU BACK TOO!!

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    1. Wow. Tough one. I'm so sorry, Becky. Hugs to you.

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  2. It certainly is a difficult and ongoing process. I still occasionally hear from past clients who are not yet aware that she has passed. During the first six months while I was still in our house, it got to the point where I quit checking the mail altogether. I remember getting a call from an insurance company attorney about a year and a half after she passed away regarding a car accident that she was in before she died. He wanted to know if she was going to be at an upcoming hearing. I told him that she would likely not be attending. It's a process Stephanie, thanks for sharing :-)

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    1. Thanks, Glenn, too, for sharing your experiences. These "little" things just don't seem little at the moment they happen. The little pang seems like a painful sting. It is indeed a process.

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  3. Only 2 months into being a widow (I shutter at that word still), I, or rather he, gets (today)a new verteran ID card in the mail. They know he's gone. They already paid the $300 death benefit, awarded the flag, etc... Brought me to my knees... ugh!

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    1. Hi Susan, I'm so sorry for your loss. Yes it's hard when the right hand doesn't know what the left hand is doing. I've sent his death certificate to the mortgage company three times now. They just don't get it. Blessings to you, thank you so much for coming here and sharing.

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  4. I remember every time I had to tell someone new that my husband had died, I always choked up. It got to the point that I would even avoid going to the supermarket because I didn't want to run into anyone that I knew. I started a new routine. I would go at 8:00 in the morning. I can handle things better now but I still shop early in the morning because I found out that it is faster and I get it done before my day actually starts. What started out as avoidance is now a habit. It's funny though - I never minded talking about my husband to people that already knew him or knew that he died. It was always telling someone that didn't know - I think that I was afraid of their shocked reaction and then it brought it all back to me.

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    1. I get that. Many times I turned around and headed back the other way in a store to avoid talking to someone because I knew Mike would come up one way or the other and I just couldn't handle it. Just shopping without him was hard enough. And I totally get the difference between sharing with people who knew he was gone, and those who didn't. It's always hard to let people in on the terrible news, reliving it again for that moment. Blessings to you, Ruthie.

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  5. My favorite thing was that , since his death, my husband has been called in for Jury Duty. Twice. LOL .......

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    1. Oh man, Kelley. That's a tough one but...I might imagine Mike getting a chuckle out of that...

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  6. Hello, I still get mail with his name and both of us ..still..I didn't go out public for first year.. Went to store late at nite told my sister even though late I guarantee u I will run into someone, everytime it happened.. I skipped my 35 class reunion , didn't dare ride that horse.. Oh who did u marry, oh where's yr husband? Than all the aws.. Nope.. So 40th came.. I finally could. Only 2 girls asked me that I hadn't seen 40 yrs, one had moved to ga..I expect mail to come as long as I'm alive because we were married 34 yrs..

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    1. I'm glad you made your 40th. But yes the questions are always hard. And I guess the mail might always come, eh? Might as well just accept it I suppose.

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  7. Stephanie- It took over a year for Ferdinand's student loan bills to stop coming in the mail and he has some outstanding debt from an accident before he died that I still get collections notices for him in the mail. But I do not want to stop getting mail addressed to the household with his last name. I never thought in my life I would be grateful for junk mail! But I am!

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