Friday, March 26, 2010

deux ans

Deux ans. Two anniversaries of the day I lost my huge, hairy and hilarious husband.
I've learned so very much in these two short years. A lifetime of lessons. Lessons I didn't really want to know.
I now know that although I did not think in those first few hours, days and months, that I would survive, I did. I breathed each breath with a sob. I grudgingly ate each meal. Each movement was filled with melancholy and loss. So the first 11 months, I call 'survival'.
The first anniversary of Jeff's death was painful, exhausting and anticlimatic. I had hoped that once I had conquered this date that things would be easier. But although I had lost the hollow and vacant stare and I could remember to feed myself, I could not for the life of me figure out how I was going to live again. But I shuffled forward. The first year was about 'coping'.
Now, as I enter my second year alone, I realize that although life continues to be different and harder than it was before Jeff's body ceased to exist, it is easier than the first anniversary. The mourning is less new and raw. I am stronger, more capable and so able to laugh.
So although this new year may be only about 'hoping', it is a big step. A colossal step towards the time when I can start 'living' again.


  1. having just endured the first anniversary of my husband's sudden death in despair i can only "hope" to aspire to where you are. thank you for the sign.

  2. I too have endured the first anniversary last week of my husband's murder, I pray for that sign of hope.......

  3. Glad you are seeing the signs - hope is a good place to start. I'm thinking of you on this anniversary and hoping you are surrounded with love.

  4. march 6 2010 was the first anniversary of my husband's death. my children and i had all our friends and family over. we ate and drank and laughed. surprisingly ther were no tears. but every day i realize that after 33 years i'm alone. i have good friends wonderful family, but basically i'm alone.