Tuesday, March 30, 2010


Another countdown. 40. Six months ago I celebrated 40. Next week would be Daniel's 40th. He only made it to 35, and now he'd be 40. Shit.

Amazingly enough, I think his birthday is harder for me than my own was. Mine sucked in it's own special way, but this is different. I'm actually 40. I'm aging. I'm alive. He's not 40. He's not aging. He's not alive.

My mind plays tricks on me and it seems like only moments ago he was here. I could call him. I could hurry home from work knowing he'd be there. We were raising Grayson together, having a life together. Not anymore. Not for four and a half years. It still sucks.

Grayson and I talk about how funny it will be for me to see Daniel again in Heaven - he'll be young, only 35, and me? I'll be a hagard toothless old lady. Grayson thinks you get to pick how old your body is in Heaven. I hope so. I certainly wouldn't want my heavenly image to be based on how I feel on the inside....some days I feel 90 already. Today is one of those days.

Happy Tuesday - Michelle D.


  1. I've experienced those exact thoughts!!! I'm also in the middle of attempting to choose a headstone. I would like to put his picture on the headstone but have wondered, if I die when I'm older, his picture will look young and, (if our children put my picture on mine), I will look elderly. UGH!

  2. I had a similar issue when I turned 40. My husband died 4 days before his 40th birthday and it was strange to be an age that he never was able to be. I am hoping in heaven there is no age!

    "Don't regret growing old. It is a priviledge denied to many"

  3. Michelle, I hope your relapse is short. Hugs.

    Anonymous, you took the words right out of my mouth!

  4. Michelle, I look at photos of 'My Rick'... the ones that I took right before he died... and I realize that he will ALWAYS BE 57-years-old... I was 45 when he died 10 months ago... I am now 46... and I will continue to age. He will ALWAYS BE 57. He will NEVER see me as an old woman... we were supposed to grow old together... I will NEVER get to see him as an 'old man'... but I will continue aging (God willing)... He will not... and yet, I like what Irene said... "Don't regret growing old. It is a privilege denied to many."