Friday, March 19, 2010

which way did he go?

Jeff's birthday was on the 16th. The kids and I performed our birthday tradition of making him a blueberry pie. As per Liv and Briar's directions, we lit a candle and stood on the back deck waiting for him (aka the wind) to blow it out. After a few minutes, the kids 'helped' him and blew it out themselves.
It broke my heart to watch them standing there expectantly cheering him on. "Come on, Daddy! You can do it! Blow it out!"
It's moments like this that I so wish that there was a manual to which I could refer. I don't know if I should just follow their lead with their beliefs surrounding death or if I should guide them to some more socially acceptable (and adult) way of dealing with their daddy's loss.
They find comfort in their beliefs. They seem to 'know' what happened to him....moreso than I do. It is with such conviction that Liv believes he is always with us. Always here to share our joy, our pain, our experiences. With staunch stubbornness, Briar declares that Jeff found some joke hilarious or some movement amazing. He tells us amazing tales of the adventures that Jeff has now been on, where his boat has sailed and who worked as crew aboard.
I have become accustomed to their stories of the life that Jeff is now leading without his physical body. I, too, find some amount of comfort in hearing that he is still 'out there'.
But to others less versed in "Death according to Two Small Children", I wonder if they find these declarations shocking or, even, blasphemous.
Until I find the answers to my own questions or until I know which way to guide them, I don't think I'm in the position to be able to 'tell' anyone where we go after our bodies cease to function. So, the three of us will just follow where this journey leads us....and in the end, we'll know who was 'right'....


  1. My daughter insisted that her father came by regularly to play Candyland with her in the months following his death. That was four years ago. Today she informs me that her dad finally took a job as a guardian angel for a new baby, but that he still pops in from time to time (probably to put in an appearance in my second husband's dreams. He occasionally has very vivid dreams were my late husband will critique him on his parenting job - always a good report so far - and express his thanks for Rob's taking care of us. And no, he doesn't stop by to say hi to me on those visits).

    I don't know about "adult" just what seems to work.

  2. My son (12) believes his daddy is still out there. He tells me he can see him in the "outfield" when he plays baseball. Sometimes I'll ask him "wonder where daddy is" ? He will look down at our dog (Charlie) (whom we got after my husband died) and look into his brown eyes and say "He's right there" - I like it......

  3. I like the idea of lighting a candle and waiting for Daddy to blow it out himself. My kids and I have only lived through one of his birthday so far without their Daddy - and it was a difficult day without a good plan. I went to the cemetery, placed balloons and flowers there, spent a long time sitting on the grass... even decided to buy the plot next to his... but I wish I'd figured out a way to celebrate and create a new tradition with the kids. Next time we'll have a plan, and it will also start our tradition I'm sure.

  4. I think kids have much less programming than adults do and tend to use their intuition a whole lot more than most adults to. As a result, I generally trust kids' senses more than adults. I wouldn't worry too much about what is socially acceptable - after all, even amongst adults there seems to be a million different theories about what happens after death.

    If you're open to it, I might suggest visiting a psychic medium (specifically, a medium, not just a psychic) with many years of experience and a solid track record of helping people connect to the spirits of their loved ones. I, for one, wholeheartedly believe that life does not end with our death, but that our soul is on a continual journey of self-exploration, discovery and learning.

    Visiting a reputable psychic medium could help you connect with your spouse in a way that gave you the same sort of assurances and certitudes that your children have.

  5. beautiful post about innocence and the spiritual world... thank you...

  6. Most certainly there is life after death! My wife passed away 2 years after she became ill.. She did a wonderful job at preparing our 4 children and me with her early departure.. We have 3 girls 23,21,14 and a son who is 7.. I can tell you first hand that our 7 year old son is the only one that says profound things about the whereabouts of his mom and it seems like it's Head On..I believe because he had not yet become conformed to this World is his advantage... God is likened to a Childlike Spirit!

    1. Beautiful post, Brandon. The Widow's Voice blogs have moved to our Soaring Spirits web site. You can find them at