Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Romance, the Second Time Around ....

..... is not a walk in the freakin' park.
Don't get me wrong .... it can certainly be wonderful ..... but it also can really piss me off.

I tend to get pissed at Jim a lot now .... for dying and leaving my in this position.
I wouldn't have to be dating someone new if he hadn't died.
I wouldn't be getting angry at how different this man is if he hadn't died.
I wouldn't be getting my feelings hurt by someone who doesn't know me that well if he hadn't died.
I wouldn't be dealing with the crap of raising teenage boys all alone if he hadn't died.
He'd be here to deal with a son's 10 day suspension today and the fact that he and his car got searched for pot tonight ..... if he hadn't died.

I wouldn't be trying to make a new relationship work with two boys who don't want it to if Jim hadn't died.
I wouldn't be questioning if I should be in a relationship or put my boys' feelings first if he hadn't died.
I wouldn't be feeling that I suck as a parent if he hadn't died.
I wouldn't constantly be questioning myself in every area of my life if he hadn't died.
I wouldn't be thinking that there's no way I could re-marry before the boys are out on their own if he hadn't died.
I wouldn't be wondering if I should end this relationship so that this man doesn't have to deal with my crap if Jim hadn't died.

So romance the second time around is very, very different.
Different in many good ways.
And different in many ways to which I will have to adjust.

But that's all a part of moving forward.
I guess.


  1. Janine, you are not alone. My husband died 18 months ago, leaving me with 6 and 8 year old children. I was so lonely and enterered into a new relationship perhaps too quickly and share many of the same things you have written about. Life goes on and that is so painful at times. Your life is not what you imagined it would be. It's time to reinvent that life though and be alive! If there is anything I have learned through my husband's death, you should live like you were dying every day. If there is something you want, you should reach out and take it


  2. I was never good at dating. I was 35 when I married for the first time, and the prospect of dating again made me tired because I knew nothing about me or dating had changed.

    When I met my second husband though, there was no question of not figuring it all out. He was the one for me. I knew it. Everything just became a matter of ironing out details. The children were simply told that they were going to learn to adjust. They didn't get votes. My take on kids is that they will grow up and leave and won't take my advice on their loves, so why should they have a say in mine? I am glad however that we didn't have teens (the girls were 25,23 and 4). Teens can be very self-centered (I taught middle/high school forever so I know the age well).

    If I got angry at all during the process of dating and remarrying, it was at people who seemed to think they had some right to voice their opinion about my life, our life, what I should/shouldn't be doing.

    My situation was different from many other widowed. My late husband's illness came as a shock, but his death was inevitable. I never had hope to cling to and I had a long time to think about my future without him (he suffered from severe dementia and was unresponsive in the last year of his life). There was no one to be angry with and I did my ranting at it all early. I was ready to move on.

    It's funny about comparing though. I didn't notice really because I was so caught up in the whirlwind that is early love/romance, it's now - three years married again almost that I see the similarities between late husband and now husband. And the differences? Doesn't matter. Never did. But I wasn't one for comparing anyway. I have certain qualities that I look for but I generally assess people as they arrive in my life in terms of what my life is needing.