Wednesday, March 3, 2010

It Should Have Been Me .....

I hesitated quite a while before I wrote this post.
I don't know why .... I know without a doubt that you "get it".
Actually I do know why. It's because I don't want anyone to read this as a "poor me" post, or as an attempt to get sympathy.
It's not that.
It's just .... reality.
And I'm ok with it.

It should have been me.

How many times have you thought that?
Any at all? Hundreds?

I think it still, even as I move forward with my life and enjoy life more.
It's something I know without a doubt.
I don't question it .... it's what I know to be true.
It's something I can say calmly and sincerely.

Life doesn't make sense, because it should've been me.

Jim was a much better person than I am.
He would've made more of a difference in this world.
He was a better parent than I am and I think the kids would have been better left with him.
Without a doubt.

But he's gone.
And I am here.
It just doesn't make sense.

Most days I can just flow with the senselessness of this, but sometimes I ponder.
I wonder what the difference would be if it had been me and not him.

He would have been a better widower.
He would have made wiser financial decisions.
He would have taken better care of the house.
He would have taken MUCH better care of the lawn.

He would have been calmer with the kids.
He would have been the strength they've needed.

He would've made a heck of a lot more money.

He should be here.
But "should" doesn't seem to matter.

I could come up with a lot of "shoulds" .... especially over the past 2 years, but that would be a waste of time.

As much of a waste as thinking ..... "It should have been me", right?

But it really should have.


  1. parallel path. every day, "it should have been me."

  2. I know this is a common thought among widowed, but it wasn't one I had. I was the better equipped to deal with long term illness and widowhood. I was the one who was least likely to crack under pressure and be unable to get through the day to day of parenting and providing.

    My late husband even noted this once or twice himself in discussions we had about what if.

    "You will be fine," he said. "I would never make it."

    And he was right.

  3. I feel the same way, "it really should've been me." But, I'm here.

  4. I completely understand, I think of it often "it should have been me". I wish it had been. But here I am on this earth and it makes me wonder what it is really all for?

  5. I think this everyday. But not in the day-to-day way. My husband would say "I have to die first, I couldn't make it without you". I would respond with "wow, selfish." But you know what? He did pass first. And I'm not sure how he would have held up being a widower. I'm not sure if I'm doing such a great job either. But Mark was a better person. He had a way of "getting to people" Everyone loved him and he loved everyone back. He was joyful, kind, compassionate, a man with a big soft loving heart. I am not as trusting, I don't love so easily, I am not one to give myself freely. The world needs more like him. So, yes, it should have been me.

  6. I could literally copy your post and paste it in my blog. I've said these words a thousand times and I truly believe it.

  7. I can relate. I'm a mom to boys. Boys want a dad. He was a risk-taker, more adventurous... more fun. I can't do all the things he did, no matter how hard I try. I think sometimes they feel cheated.

  8. I remember saying this to my then 10 year old daughter after her father died:

    "It's OK if you ever wish it were me instead of him."

    I don't want her to feel guilty if she does. I understand completely.

    Thank you for sharing this.

  9. Just sitting here at my desk at work thinking that same thing. I don't get it. I'll never be half the person my husband was. Why him? It makes no sense.

  10. I wish every day that it had been me instead of him. When I'm not wishing that, I wish we'd gone together. Now I just wish I could go too.

    Most of my support comes from his friends and his family. How much better off they all would have been if it had been me.

  11. Thank you for the brave honesty. Widows can only say these things to each other - because we know we have all pondered these ideas. The rest of the world would hear it as nonsense. I wish it had been the both of us... we had joked about who would "get out the door" 5 minutes before the other because we both knew it would be unbearable without each other. I was saddled with the task of going on with out him. God, I loved that man...

  12. WOW!! I am not the only one to wish that very same thing!I used to say to him "don't you die before me" Totally selfish of me but I couldn't bear the thought of living without him. He would always tell me he would do his best but that it wasn't in his hands.I still constantly wish that it would have been me. My husband was a much better person than I am, much more giving of himself than me & everyone loved him. He did so much for so many people who now don't have his help. My son said he was glad it was that way around because his dad would never have been able to handle it...... maybe he was right!

  13. I have felt so many of these same feelings but I do know he would have had such a terrible time if it had been me first,he said you are really the strong one you just don't know it...I think to myself I wish you didn't have to be right this time!