Friday, May 27, 2011

if you were here


There are times that I torture/comfort myself thinking of all the things I would say or do if Jeff "came back"....or was at very least able to hear me. It's a little game that hurts and heals simultaneously:

If you were here,
I'd slap you for not going to the doctor sooner.

If you were here,
I would curl up safe and warm in your arms.

If you were here,
the kids would know their daddy in reality...not just through the stories I tell about you.

If you were here,
I'd make YOU mow the lawn.

If you were here,
I would never, ever let you go.

The imagining of our conversations and interactions somehow makes him "real" and closer again....But it also stings when I allow the loss to sink back in. I wish I could just exist in the state of imagining him walk through the doorway, laughing at the dog's slobbery kisses and the way I jump up and down with glee at his arrival.

I don't know if this practice is beneficial in the long run...but for now, it's a way to hold him still. And imagine what life would be like if the worst had never happened.


5 comments:

  1. Me, too Jackie ......
    Me, too.
    Sigh ....

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  2. In a few weeks it will be a year for me.

    I often do that - wish Dave was here.
    And it also switches from holding him forever, to berating him because I'm having to do it all!

    I find interactions in dreams even more real and temporarily closer - the effect lasts for days.

    I don't know if it's beneficial either, but I know this whole widow thing isn't beneficial so we do what we can to cope.

    Thanks for the post!

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  3. so real and true, Jackie! I was just doing the same things!

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  4. Whatever gets you through the night...

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  5. Me too! If only.... my heart would be happy again

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