Friday, May 4, 2012

05



May.

Maaaayyyyyy.

How I loathe thee.

Not in totality, but it's not at the top of my list of favorite months in a year.

This year will mark the 5 year anniversary of my love's departure from this world, and now...to top it off...the one year mark of our beloved, Charlie.

I layed in bed last night thinking of it.

But if there is anything that I've learned, it's that it's the self induced stress and apprehension, that is the culprit for most of my pain and grief.

So I stopped myself from thinking of how much I can't not wait for those days to come, and instead, decided to think of all of my favorite memories I've shared with the,...even decided to write one memory down each night of the month, to turn to when my mind starts going to that dark place.

Our cuddles, walks, laughter, and everything in between.

I'm proud I've made it this long, and pretty sure their proud too, and I refuse to let May go to the shitter without giving one heck of a try to make it a little bit better than the one the year before.

May....you may be three letters that unwillingly contain the crappiest 2 days of my life...but I owe you, and me, the chance to see what the other 29 are all about...let's do this...bam!

4 comments:

  1. Thank you for your posts. I love the idea of writing down a memory each night. I know many of us fear losing the memories of our loved ones. I want to remember the little details, the shape of my husband's hands, the little jokes we shared. It is so overwhelming to confront it all and too painful much of the time, but just recording a piece each day is brilliant and so are you. Bless you.

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  2. Taryn, Thank you so much for this post. Why is it when I refuse to make grief and the terrible pain of the journey my "primary" view on life - I am seen as betraying "widowhood". I have seen what grief can do to people if the years pile up and the person can not see any light. I have a friend who (previously was positive, happy and engaged in life) has become a bitter person and who lashes out and is angry most of the time. She has started to criticize her friends who are still in happy marriages and she is angry that he left her. He has been dead for four years. I have promised myself I will not become "sick with grief".
    When my husband was diagnosed with a terminal disease we spent so much of his last year and a half of life talking about what we loved in each other, our family and the things that we shared over 35 years. We immersed ourselves in our love.
    Now that he is gone, I try my hardest to always think of him and our life together in this light. I also try to see the beauty in the day and send it to him. In this way i hope to keep going. My husbands birthday is next week - I want it to be a day of celebrating that he was born, not mourning his death.
    I will go to the graveyard and plant more perennials and sit on the bench with my coffee and "talk".
    Thank you for the positive post. You give me hope.

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  3. I don't know Taryn super well yet, but from the little I do know her, I can tell that this is "so Taryn." Way to go, girl: fighting and in so doing being an inspiration to us all.

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  4. Love this, hang in there sister!

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