Steve and I just finished reading this book called "Heaven is for Real" - it's a boy's account of his visit to Heaven and back while he almost died from appendicitis at age 3. Whatever your beliefs are about Heaven, it's definitely a great book that will give you a lot to think about.
I went through a phase in my grief where I longed for Heaven constantly. I longed to see Jeremy again with an ache that was so intense, I couldn't think about anything else. I remember writing multiple blog posts about Heaven - it was the first time in my life where I had actually spent any significant amount of time thinking about what Heaven would be like.
One thing that changed when Jer died was that I no longer feared death. No matter how excited I am about the future, no matter how many things left unfinished here, no matter how much my kids need me here...I know that I'm ready to go whenever. But the thing I feared for awhile was wether or not I would get my reunion with Jeremy in Heaven. I've dreamt about it and thought about it so frequently that the idea that I might not get my moment in Heaven with Jeremy was one that made me feel so sick.
As Steve and I were reading this book together, there's a chapter in which Colten (the little boy) asked his parents about his sister that died in his mommy's belly. It is a chilling account since Colten had never been told about the miscarriage his mother had, nor had his parents known the sex of the baby. But Colten tells them he saw her in Heaven and that she was waiting for them and couldn't wait to see them. I was reading the book out loud in the car, and I had to put it down because I couldn't hold my emotions in.
Even though the story was compelling, that's not what got me. It was the idea that Jeremy was waiting for me in Heaven, that his anticipation to see me was as strong as mine to see him. But not just him...my brother popped in my head and the thought of seeing him and giving him a hug also tugged at my heart in a heavy way.
It's weird that something that seems so hopeful and peaceful can be so emotional - that so much pain is tied in with it. But I know the emotion is really just the pain of having to wait. The pain of knowing I can't see them now. It was a painful yet peaceful thought. I'm not a cooky person and up until I experienced it, I would have never believed that Jeremy's presence would be so strong in my life after he died. But I've heard him, I felt him watch over me, I felt his blessing over my relationship with Steve - I feel him protecting me and loving me through my relationships. And in that moment, through the story of someone else, I felt his anticipation to my arrival.
I can't wait for our reunion.
Hi Vee,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for this post. It will be two years ago tomorrow that my husband died....I worry all the time if he is ok and if there is a heaven....I was sitting in bed crying thinking of this as I logged on to see this post....I cannot tell you how much better it made me feel.
Thank you vee....thank you so much....maureen
I am so glad that I read this post. So glad. I am in that phase right now and this completely validated how I have been feeling. I have been nervous to talk about it with certain people because I didn't want anyone to think that I was thinking of death in the wrong way (ie, wishing to die). The 2nd and 3rd paragraphs describe my every feelings about this topic right now. My faith has been a constant struggle ever since I lost Spence. A back and forward battle that I can't seem to win. Spence was my rock when it came to our/my faith... When he was here I was so strong in my faith - but now that he's gone, I question everything. (Though deep down I know what I believe and nothing will change that!)
ReplyDeleteI read this book about a year before my husbands death and then again 2 months after. The family is only about 1.5 hours away from where I live so it's a huge deal around here. I loved every part of this book. You're right - it gives you a ton to think about.
Again - thank you!
-Nikki