I have suddenly gotten it in my head that I want to settle here in Portland and buy a house. It feels right in my body like no other decision has since Dave died.
The other decisions - sell the house, take a leave of absence, resign, rent an apartment in Portland - have felt right, but incredibly sad and wrenching.
They were moving forward, which was good, but they were letting go of aspects of my old life, which felt like, well, loss.
This decision isn't tinged with the sadness of loosening my grip on something. It feels like moving forward and gaining. Gaining a foothold in this new life. Gaining a safe harbor all my own. Gaining a new beginning to build on (literally and figuratively).
I have a picture in my mind of a bungalow in a beautiful, quiet neighborhood. I can see my small garden glowing in the sunlight, hummingbirds buzzing at the throats of the flowers. I can see people walking and biking past, waving hello. I can see my friends visiting, filling the house with joy and laughter. I can see pictures of new memories lining my walls next to pictures of "the life before". I can see a studio space filled with my art supplies and a place to write. I can see myself walking and biking to the grocery, yoga, the library, the coffee shop.
There is something comforting about knowing that I can make this new, beautiful city my home if I choose to. I feel lucky to say that I can. I know I'm biased and that I haven't seen ALL the other cities in the world, but I really think Portland is prettiest and most wonderful of them all.
I meet with a realtor soon to go over my needs and desires for a new home and start the search.
I can feel Dave smiling because I'm smiling.