Monday, May 14, 2012


from here

I have suddenly gotten it in my head that I want to settle here in Portland and buy a house. It feels right in my body like no other decision has since Dave died.

The other decisions - sell the house, take a leave of absence, resign, rent an apartment in Portland - have felt right, but incredibly sad and wrenching.

They were moving forward, which was good, but they were letting go of aspects of my old life, which felt like, well, loss.

This decision isn't tinged with the sadness of loosening my grip on something. It feels like moving forward and gaining. Gaining a foothold in this new life. Gaining a safe harbor all my own. Gaining a new beginning to build on (literally and figuratively).

I have a picture in my mind of a bungalow in a beautiful, quiet neighborhood. I can see my small garden glowing in the sunlight, hummingbirds buzzing at the throats of the flowers. I can see people walking and biking past, waving hello. I can see my friends visiting, filling the house with joy and laughter. I can see pictures of new memories lining my walls next to pictures of "the life before". I can see a studio space filled with my art supplies and a place to write.  I can see myself walking and biking to the grocery, yoga, the library, the coffee shop.

There is something comforting about knowing that I can make this new, beautiful city my home if I choose to. I feel lucky to say that I can. I know I'm biased and that I haven't seen ALL the other cities in the world, but I really think Portland is prettiest and most wonderful of them all.

I meet with a realtor soon to go over my needs and desires for a new home and start the search.

 I can feel Dave smiling because I'm smiling.


  1. Cassie - love this post.
    I believe our dreams pave the way to our reality.
    You will have the home you wish for and the life as you see it.
    I really do believe that.
    Good Luck!

  2. Cassie I am so happy for you. Having a picture in your mind of a happy future is such a gift. I have just bought a townhouse for my girls and me and am so excited to be in a new, fresh light space that will work for our family of three. Having something light to look forward to makes the difficulties of now a little easier to bear.

    1. I just started looking for a new place to live. Last night we found a great home at an even better price. I was happy picturing us there having family dinners laughing and talking about my husband. Bringing him forward into our new life with memories.

      Then I walked down to the workshop and it was huge, clean and PERFECT. It was my husband's dream to have a workshop like that. I instantly got sad and though I don't want this house because he won't be piddling around in there like he should be.

      I had to shut that part up because it really is such a great piece of property. So after acknowledging the sadness I started envisioning things I could do in there to make myself happy.

      We'll see.....

  3. Cassie, you are amazing!

  4. Good for you Cassie, going forward with life. Dave is smiling I'm sure. I've been looking, too, and have taken lots of photos of houses I kinda like. Haven't made the appointment yet with a realtor, I can only look at places online. Hope to be where you're at some day, but not there yet.

    I have only heard good things about Portland, have a friend there in school, hope to visit your wonderful city some day. Good luck in your search.

  5. YOU GO, Cassie!! I am here rooting for you :)

  6. great choice cassie!!...I live near Portland..for over 30 yrs..this is a wonderful arty town....

    keep smilng!