Wednesday, May 30, 2012
What Should Have Been ....
.... but was not.
Monday, that is.
It should have been our 29th anniversary .... but it was not.
Not technically, anyway.
Ironically enough, it fell on a holiday .... Memorial Day.
No, he wasn't a vet, but I dare say that we remember a lot of people on Memorial Day.
Especially those of us on this site.
Two of my children remembered ..... and told me they were thinking of me.
Someone asked if I liked to be reminded that it was known .... or if it was best to say nothing.
Never say nothing.
It's always nice to know that someone remembers.
That someone is thinking of you and of .... "what should have been".
This was my 5th anniversary without him.
That number cannot be right.
That number surprises me.
And brings tears to my eyes.
It doesn't seem possible.
I re-count, just to make sure (I never did like math).
Yep, 2008 to 2012 = 5 years.
Well, 4 1/2 if we are precise.
But five May 28ths.
I never pictured myself living without him for one second .... let alone almost 5 years.
It seems, in so many ways, that it was just yesterday.
At other times, it feels like it's been a century.
I have lived many lifetimes in these 4 plus years.
I am stunned that this is our 5th year without him.
And yet .... I am thankful, too.
Not that he's gone ..... but that I am past the horrible cold, dark days of my grief.
I never pictured myself surviving one day without him .... let alone almost 5 years.
But here I am.
Writing about how I felt on ..... well, on "what should have been".
And just writing.
Not writing and crying.
(For a couple of years it seemed as if I would always cry as I wrote.)
We all have these moments.
We all have these days.
We all probably have a list ..... of "what should have been".
After almost 5 years I can tell you that the pain has lessened.
And I don't have many of these days.
In fact, I've misplaced my list.
Or maybe I just tucked it away one day.... when I found it was too difficult to write that list as I moved forward.
But just in case someone should ask ..... I like to know that others are thinking .....
of what should have been.
Posted by Janine at 12:06 AM