Thursday, May 17, 2012

Catch 22

This will be my last blog post as a single woman....Saturday, I will be becoming Mrs. Steve Cunningham! The reality is sinking in, and I am getting SO excited! It's really been a crazy ride, and a quick one, so I haven't had much time to really let it process that this is MY wedding I'm planning, not someone else's - that and I haven't really let myself get too giddy about it.

It's weird that in the midst of all the craziness and planning my wedding with Steve how much it has made me miss Jeremy. Not because I'm not excited or because I'm not in a good place, but because he has always been the person I share everything with and I have been desperately aching to just share the ins and outs of life with him, the way I always used to. But, I recognize the irony in that and know that both of those things - my life circumstance and sharing it with Jer - could never happen at the same time.

While I'm experiencing the very weird mix of excitement and grief, I realize what a unique and frustrating place it has put me in. I find myself holding back happiness so I don't appear too excited about my wedding, because people then think it means I'm over Jeremy, that I'm done grieving, or I'm being disrespectful in some way. On the flip side, I worry that if I show my grief too strongly or talk about it too much, people accuse me of not being ready to get married or not being in a good place or that I'm moving too fast. It's my catch 22.

When I get down about this predicament, it helps to know that these assumptions generally come from those who don't know me well, have not talked to me about where I am at with things, or people who don't understand grief. I don't know a lot, but there are a few things I am certain of:

1. I miss Jeremy every single day.
2. I will miss Jeremy every single day for the rest of my life.
3. I am head-over-heels in love with Steve.
4. I am excited about my future with Steve and our beautiful family.
5. My happiness and my sadness run side by side. And neither negates the other.

So this week I have tried to intentionally not worry about what everyone else thinks and allow myself both time to grieve what I will no longer have with Jeremy and celebrate what I am going to have with Steve. I am trying to soak up every good moment of the beautiful chaos in my life right now, because Lord willing, I won't ever have to do it again.


  1. Vee - First and foremost - Congratulations! I hope everything is absolutely beautiful. It will be poignant and it will be emotional and beautiful and sad and joyous all at the same time.
    Last year someone reminded me "You can hold both joy and grief in the same heart". Completely true.
    I have recently fell in love again. 17 months after my love's death. 2 and a half years since his diagnosis.
    It has been bewildering, scary, amazing and joyful. It has made me want to run for the hills in fear (what am I doing? what happens if they get sick?) it has made me feel the first moments of peace I have had since 2009.
    I have got over the biggest hurdle, by telling each of my children. They are adults and it makes it a bit easier. But they were each so wonderful and kind and supportive.
    I will probably not marry again ( I am in my fifties) but . . .to live life without love would be so dark.
    I too worried/worry about what friends might say but when I told one of my best friends she said "Who cares what they think! Anyone who knows you and loves you, who knew the two of you together and witnessed your love - will never doubt that you have survived the greatest loss - the death of your beloved. If someone judges you for loving again, they have no idea who you are and what you meant to each other".

    That has helped me so much.
    With every breath - LOVE.
    For what you had, for what you have been given. Another chance to love again. While I type Leonard Cohen is singing "a thousand kisses deep" in the background.
    May you have it all.
    Best Wishes.

  2. Best wishes for a bright and beautiful future , you show me hope thank you .. Love to us all

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    1. Congrats Vee!!!

      Beautifully written. I'm at the exact same place right now and your words spoke directly to my heart.

      Wishing for you and Steve nothing but happiness, peace, hope and love.

  4. "My happiness and my sadness run side by side. And neither negates the other." Love that!