Thursday, November 22, 2012

Be thankful. Or don't. It's OK.




I remember Thanksgiving two years ago, just a couple weeks after Jeremy's death. Well, when I say I remember it, I actually don't remember much about it other than I was deep in the pits of despair and grief. But what I surprisingly remember was the the sense of responsibility I felt to voice being thankful in some way. I remember putting up a status on Facebook about trying not to dwell on what I lost and trying to focus on what I could be thankful for.

But the truth was, I was not thankful for anything.

I'm not so blinded as to not understand that I had things to be thankful for. But I didn't feel thankful. I couldn't image my life being any worse. I was even pissed that I was still around to suffer through the days without the love of my life. Why did I have to express thankfulness?

Because that's what we're supposed to do...

This holiday tends to start a chain reaction of responsibility and expectations for grievers through the end of the year. It sucks. Sometimes empty. It's hard to feel thankful when the person you were most thankful for is no longer there.

Knowing things could be worse doesn't take away the pain of losing someone. Knowing we have much to be thankful for doesn't lessen the injustice of what we've been through. Sometimes the insinuation is enough to make things worse.

Here's what I know: don't worry about the expectations of others or even the expectations we tend to put on ourselves. It's OK to not get into the hype and hoopla of the holidays. Don't feel pressured to please others or keep up with traditions alone if it hurts too much. It's OK to take a break for awhile and keep things simple. It's OK to feel angry, sad, or irritated with others for getting to celebrate what you have now lost. It's OK to do things YOUR way.

Here's what else I know: If you do feel thankful, that's OK. If you feel blessed that you've got a second chance at life even in the midst of losing something so special, that's OK. If you're in a place where you can look at your blessings and appreciate them in a way that only grief will let you, that's OK.

Don't let others dictate where your heart is at. This holiday season, be true to you.

9 comments:

  1. I totally agree the holidays have brought out a wave of grief that has know mercy on me. I dont know how to celebrate so that all my family is happy and yet still stay true to myself and my broken heart. Hugs to all on widows voice and lots of love.

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    1. It's too much pressure to try and make everyone happy when there is so much heaviness on your heart. Be easy on yourself.

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  2. Vee,
    Such a great post. My children and I have learned to take cues from each other about dealing with holidays. We don't pressure each other and do as much or as little as we individually want. It is hard enough just making it through this death march, No one should have the added pressure of having to fake it through the holidays.
    Nancy

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    1. I love that. Sometimes all it takes is sitting down and talking it out so that everyone can recognize different expectations. Sounds like it makes it easier on everyone.

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  3. Thank you, Vee. I have told myself this holiday season that this is where I'm at, still not able to fully celebrate anything after 2 years w/o him. It has given me some sense of peace to not push myself into something I am not ready to do, celebrate the season. Maybe I'll be ready to next year, maybe not. It is what it is, and this is where I'm at. Hard for others in my life to accept, but I feel more at ease with less pressure to do it all this year than others. "Let it be" is today's thought.

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  4. The first time, a few short months after my husband's accidental death, I did what I had always done for Thanksgiving, and it was excruciating. The second time, my children and I did not go to my family - we went to a friend's Thanksgiving, in the town where we live. Emptier, but much less painful. This year, we are doing that again. I am beginning to think that next year, I will make my own Thanksgiving, and let people come if they want. I would like to create a new tradition, that makes the new Thanksgiving what I want it to be. Like the rest of you, I'm sure, I have been instructed several times this week (as in yoga class this morning) to reflect on what I'm thankful for. That induces irritability and even panic; I am not ungrateful, but I am nowhere near thankful. However, I do have a few things I'm grateful for: the existence of my children, sun on my face, the feel of a cat purring on my chest. That's the best I can do right now. I remember being a cornucopia of thankfulness; right now I'm living in more of a desert environment, and being grateful for a sip of cool water seems like progress.
    Best to all of you. Sometimes I remember that most of the people of the world, through most of history, have had to deal with the untimely death of spouses and children. We are not the exceptions. This is what it is to be human. The fact that humans were even able to come up with the concept of Thanksgiving is something to be grateful for.

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    1. Thanks, Claire. I'm glad you found a way of spending the day that worked best for you. It's a good reminder that we're not alone, that loss and death is universal. Finding thankfulness in the midst of pain is a commendable human ability, no doubt.

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  5. I have had to endure 3 holiday seasons without my husband. Yes I have grown children that are within 10 minutes of me but it's not the same as having my family complete. I know they suffer as well but I hold back so as not to upset them. As much as I love them, I am so drained by holidays because they are just not the same. The hole at the dinner table is so huge and it tears me up inside to look around the table and not see him. I really wish I could disappear from Thanksgiving until New Years. I feel obligated to stay home as I'm the only parent they have now. How I hate this time of year.

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