Sunday, January 20, 2013

Dear Bipolar

Seth and I, before bipolar took away his amazing smile.
Dear Bipolar,
I am writing you this letter 1,622 days since you came into my life and stole my sweet husband’s soul.

This letter will reach you 908 days after you physically took my husband from me.

Since you have done this to so many peoples lives, you probably don’t remember me. I will try to refresh your memory.

1,622 days ago, you came into my life, uninvited. You were not invited in, I know I did not leave a door or window open, yet suddenly you were there. You stepped into my husband’s soul, turned my amazing and vibrant husband into a depressed, angry, anxiety ridden, empty shell of a person.

You caused my amazingly bright and creative husband to see dead people, hear voices, and caused him to think about suicide daily. Your voice was in my husband’s head. You ridiculed him at every turn. “You’re not good enough” you said.

You took the sparkle out of his eye.
You took the pep out of his walk.
You took away his smile. How could you take away that amazing smile??

You took away his trust and faith in the world around him, causing him to think the world was after him.

You even made my husband think I was out to harm him.

You entered our life when we were just getting started. You see, we were happy. We didn't need YOU. Yet, you kept working on my husband. Bit by bit, destroying him.

908 days ago, you put a gun to my husband’s head and took him away from me.

Left me widowed at 29 years old.

When I am angry about my husband’s suicide, I blame you.

My husband would have never killed himself. But you were happy to do it.

Bipolar, I hate everything about you.

I hate your games, your mania, your depression, your psychosis, even your name. Bipolar = Two polar opposites. Did you leave something out when you created your name? I think you did.

Because of you, I do not get to see my “happy ending”. I do not get to live to be old with my husband. We will never have children or fulfill our dreams and goals.

Bipolar, your day is coming. I might not live to see that day. But your days are numbered.

A cure is coming.

It might be in the form of a pill, a shot, surgery, or hell.. maybe even a microchip.

When I get to the other side, my first duty is to get rid of you.

I will not let you destroy another person. I will not let you destroy another family.

Mark my words, your days are coming to an end.

And I will be watching, with my husband’s arms around me, with a huge bowl of popcorn and a huge beer when it all comes crashing down.


(If you or someone you know suffers from mental illness (Including if you have a parent that is mentally ill), PLEASE consider organ donation to the Harvard Brain Bank <-- Click here.
They are trying to find a cure for mental illness, but need organ donation.
Seth wanted his brain donated to the Harvard Brain Bank, unfortunately I could not fulfill that wish.
Please help with the research and study of mental illness for future generations.)


  1. I don't have experience with bipolar disorder, but my husband died as a direct result of his alcoholism. I feel similarly towards that awful disease.
    I hope we both get to see these terrible diseases eradicated. They should not last one minute longer.

  2. Thank you for your post. My husband's depression took him away from me, made him commit suicide when he was only 26 years old. He struggled against it harder than I realized when he was alive.

  3. Wow! That was an intense posting....I caught myself about to burst into tears! I could actually feel your emotion welling up in me.....its so real...the anger and hurt just takes over. I am curious to go back and read all of your blogs...I see you moved and am interested to see if you had to move because you lost your house...I did and that in itself has also destroyed my family...its another loss that I have to children hurt for their bedrooms and home. They had to change schools and make new friends. That is one of the hardest things I have had to watch and that my children have had to endure.

  4. Usually a lurker. My dad was bipolar and killed himself 8 weeks ago. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I know more about bipolar now that he is no longer with us then when he was alive. I hate the disease. It took away part of my childhood through various experiences, divorce etc. It's sad that my kids will not remember their grandpa.

    God bless.

  5. Great post, Melinda. I hope that I will get to sit with you and that bowl of popcorn and enjoy the demise of this horrific disease.

  6. My husband hanged himself three weeks ago. Melinda, you've given me a ray of hope that I might survive. Everyone around me is so kind about widowhood but this is a noxious type. We'd been together for 36 years with all the ups and downs of a mood disorder. It had been so long that I thought he'd always overcome the episodes one way or another but then it happened one night just as I thought he was getting better again. I am bereft.

    1. Dear Anonymous,

      I am so, so sorry to hear about your loss. Please know that you aren't alone in the tumultuous waters of widowhood, and also the aftermath of mood disorders and the accompanying anxiety. Please come back here in the days and weeks ahead. We will be holding you tight in thought and understanding.

  7. Please help. I did a search for "husband has bipolar" and I came across this site. My husband is alive but I feel like he is gone. It's almost a grieving feeling. My husband has been suffering from bipolar for years. He is this amazing man when he is home and so loving. When he is gone, he is mean, anxious, paranoid, unpredictable. We have a daughter. I'm scared. I don't know what to do. He is a vet and is getting counseling but it's not doing anything. He moved out and now all he does is drink. I'm really scared. He stays with a friend who is an alcoholic. Every time I ask a question it's always, "I don't know" answer. Or he just says, "no" to everything. We used to be so loving, affectionate and close but now he thinks I'm against him and very paranoid and comes up with the strangest things. I have no one. My family is falling apart and my world has been turned upside down.

    1. Dear Anon,
      First, I'm so very sorry that you're having to deal with this and the effect it's had on your family.
      Though I don't have personal experience with this, I did look up some sites that might be able to offer you some help.

      Living with a Bipolar Spouse (Bipolar Marriage, Sticking Together):

      How to Care For A Bipolar Spouse:,,20274387,00.html

      NAMI: Beating the Marriage Odds

      Coping with a Bipolar Spouse:

      How to Help Someone with Bipolar Disorder:

      Bipolar Disorder: Top 10 Ways to Help Your Mate:

      Bipolar Spouses On-line Support Group:

      Again, I'm sorry that I can't offer you more concrete help, but I sincerely hope that one of these sites can offer you the support that you need. Maybe they'll be able to help you find a support in your community.

      My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  8. Melinda, My name is Wendy Stutts. My husband shot himself in the right temple on November 4th. Bipolar took him. I would love to get a group and go talk somewhere.

    1. Hi Wendy, I tried to look for you on facebook but I wasn't sure which one was you. Please know you are not alone. I don't know where you live, but there might be a group in your area. Check out Soaring Spirits Regional groups -

      And Also

      Be kind to yourself and please know you are not alone. There is a whole community that "get's it".
      Much love,

  9. My husband just committed suicide on January 21, 2014. 39 years old. My therapist believes he was bipolar and after reading about it, I am certain he did. I believed he had paranoid personality disorder, depression and severe anxiety. All together they equal bipolar. We have a beautiful little boy who is 6 who will now grow up without his dad. I am heartbroken and full of guilt. Your blog article came up during my search about living with husbands who have bipolar disorder and commit suicide. His mother blames me and she makes that known to anyone and everyone who will listen. Thanks for posting your blog on this matter...even though it made me feel better for one minute, it was a minute I wasn't feeling bad. Thank you. God bless.

    1. Dear Tracey,
      I am so sorry for your loss but I am glad to see you found us. I lost Seth to suicide on 7/27/10. My in-laws blame me as well. I've reached the point that I shrug it off and move forward. Guilt has a nasty affect on some people, and they blame everyone and the world around them.
      Please know this is in no way your fault, regardless of the circumstances.
      Also please know you are not alone. Please reach out to Soaring Spirits, they are an amazing support system. They have got me through my hardest times.
      Also feel free to add me on Facebook.
      Much love and sending good vibes your way.
      - Melinda

  10. My husband shot himself after I called 911 due to his delusional behavior. At the time I thought he was having a stroke as his thinking, speech and behavior was so strange (I'm a RN). I was not told by him or his family about two previous psychotic episodes (each 6 years apart- long bipolar cycle?) or the hospitalizations that resulted. His mom still claims today that he has a "caffeine allergy", but that is neither here nor there. He shot himself while I was holding our third child (6 months old) in front of him, due to the fact that the first responder was a policeman (paranoid). Oh, how I miss him. He was truly wonderful. I'm sad that our children will not know him. However, everyday I grateful that he didn't kill me or the kids in his state. Love to you all.....praying that no one goes through what I have.
    ps- amazing that his only family (mom and sister) blame me. Ha! I took such good care of him. Crazy!
    pss- took my survivor benefits and moved abroad. Now living in lovely Ecuador!!

  11. Today marks week five since my husband shot himself. I read your story and felt it.
    My husband struggled for years. We were in marriage counseling. He was working out of town and had time to sabotage himself on his own. Myself, and my daughter tried to be his cheerleader. I told him I was filing for divorce after finding out about a "friend" relationship with a girl at work (out of town). He had been treating us horribly. I told him, he walked outside and shot himself with a 9 mm. I'm lost, I'm angry, I'm mad, I'm sad, and I don't know who I really am anymore.

    1. I'm so very sorry, Renee. You might want to check out our online community, Widowed Village, where you will find others who share your loss.

      PLEASE NOTE: We've moved our blog platform to our parent organization's (Soaring Spirits) website. You will find all the writers you love, as well as an archive of over 2,300 posts written by our team of widowed men and women, here: