There are those moments that repeatedly roll around in my head. They're the staples I held onto the moment Jeremy died, the ones that epitomize our relationship and bring me peace about the last few days of his life....the sweet exchanged I shared with him in the car, not knowing it would be my last, holding hands with him the night before, going out to dinner as a family just days before he died. These are the pieces I remember vividly because I've held them so tight.
I think after someone dies, your brain automatically scrambles to try and hold onto every important piece you can retain from the last minutes/hours/days/weeks of their life. We grasp onto these pieces to remind us of life, to make sense of the chaos and to store them in our hearts. These are the pieces that, whenever I think about the last days of Jeremy's life, I think about most.
But then there are the pieces in between. The pieces of simple, every day things that we may have forgotten about until something comes up to remind us. A random conversation I forgot we had, a silly joke he told to the kids I couldn't remember, or a song that sparks a memory. These aren't the moments I think about most regularly, but when they come up, they bring another piece of him together.
These little moments, these in between pieces, have come up here and there for the last two years, and I know they probably will continue to for the rest of my life. And even though they aren't the staples I run back to or the moments I hold on tightest to, they're just as important. I'm always grateful when these little pieces come back to me.
I think those little moments are what I miss more then the bigger ones.
ReplyDeleteVee, so well said! I get this post so much. My husband made a turkey dinner on Sunday and died 8 hours later. I will forever remember that dinner. But just as you pointed out, so many times, I hit times in the day when something will trigger a great memory of his likes, dislikes, humor, passions, hobbies, etc. and I will be able to smile despite the "gut punch".
ReplyDeleteThank you Vee!!!!
I too hold onto the little moments. I say often that I can touch anything in my house and it will bring back a moment. The pillows and picture him cramming his pillow into his luggage when we went to France. The memory still makes me smile.
ReplyDeleteSongs he sang, phrases he said, the way he "greeted" our house everytime we drove into the driveway. Sometimes they make me cry and other times I smile. But every time I am grateful - so very grateful to remember.
Thank you all for the reminders.