Wednesday, January 23, 2013
I Now Find Myself ......
...... as the "old kid on the block". I am the writer who's been widowed the longest here, now that Michelle has moved onward.
I'm not quite certain how I feel about this.
I guess I'd have to say that I feel more "unsettled" than anything.
I have been widowed for 5 years ...... and have been writing on this blog for four of those five years.
It has mostly been a very good outlet for me, and I have been told that it's mostly been a good place for widowed folks to come and learn that they're not alone. Or crazy.
Or doomed to a life a living in a cold, black pit with no way out. Ever.
But there have been times, more lately, when I wonder if I've run out of things to write. Or if my usefulness on this blog has passed.
Every day we get new "members", as horrific as that is.
And I would hazard to guess that we lose "longer widowed" people every so often.
I think that's because the newer you are here, the more you can relate to the newer writers. Their pain is still raw and overwhelming, much like yours.
I get that.
But my pain isn't so raw any longer, thank God. Our pain can't stay that raw, that intense, that ...... life-sucking, or we'd never survive it.
I'm still not quite sure how I did, but I'm glad that I did. Now.
During those first couple of years I wasn't glad at all about that. And I was as pissed as hell that death doesn't come as easily as it did in "The Notebook". Puh-leaze.
I now hate that movie.
But I digress. Often.
I find that I have less pain to write about. Where once there was only despair and blackness ahead of me, there's now hope ...... and the courage to try new things on my own.
But if I write about how good things are ...... very few of you seem to relate. There are far fewer comments which leaves me wondering if anyone's reading, or if I'm failing to connect with you now.
If I write darker posts, and write about the pain that still sometimes comes ...... sometimes ...... it seems to hit home with more of you. Or at least more of you comment, letting me know that you connected with my words. With me.
So I find myself in a dilemma ...... a quandary, if you will.
My life is good.
After 5 very long, very hard, very painful years.
I am happy.
I am content.
And I am happily and contentedly single.
And would like to stay that way for a long time.
The thought of being in a relationship makes me nauseous.
I have learned that it's better to be single, MUCH better to be single ...... than to settle ...... for anything, or anyone. Ever.
I will never, EVER again settle for less than what, or who, I had.
No, I don't miss Jim any less now than I did back then, it's just that his absence has become my new normal. I still miss him. Too much to describe, which is probably why I still cry every time I talk about how much I miss him.
I still wish he were here, but I no longer spend hours a day wishing that.
Because no matter how much I want it, that wish is not coming true. And I'm tired of spending that much time and energy wishing for something that won't happen.
I have learned to move forward.
Without him, even though I never wanted to ...... never planned to.
It's time for me to enjoy the life I have, to enjoy my children and to share as much time with them as possible.
It's time for me to be happy again ...... because that seems the best way to honor Jim, and our relationship.
And I aim to honor him as much as possible, and make him proud of the woman I've become during these 5 years.
Maybe that means that I'll need to move on from here, to make room for someone you can relate with better.
Maybe some of you need to know that life does get better.
After a while.
Maybe some of you need that hope.
That's the only reason I continue to write. And if one day, it becomes clear that I'm not giving you Hope ...... my time will be up.
And that will be OK.