However, instead of being 100% focused on my grandmother in her time of need like I should have been, I was distracted by so many other issues while simultaneously feeling terrible about being distracted.
One thing that just knocked me off center was that neighbors and strangers alike were showing up with support in droves. Some even brought food. Casseroles, chicken, bean dip – you name it, the food was showing up. My grandmother isn’t going to have to cook for weeks. But in the days after Maggie died, no one brought me food. At least I don't remember anyone bringing me food. In fact, after the first few days, it seemed like everyone disappeared on me. I still don’t understand that and it still hurts.
Another thing that kicked me in the stomach were the reminders of stupid stuff that people say when death happens:
“He’s in a better place.” - Yeah, well maybe he liked where he was with my grandmother a whole lot. I know Maggie was pretty darn happy about us being together. She also liked our big plans. WE liked our big plans. Better place now? It’s hard to believe.
“He’s not suffering any more.” - How do you know? Maybe death sucks and it hurts a lot. I know for Maggie it certainly hurt a lot getting to that point. Maybe it gets worse.
“Everything happens according to ‘God’s Plan’” - Oh man, this is always a tough one. So God’s “plan” was for my grandfather to lose his hard-earned lifetime of memories and control of his body while my 90 year old grandmother struggled to feed, bathe and dress her loving husband as he faded farther into oblivion? Or God’s “plan” was that my wonderful wife died just when her life was starting to really blossom but not before she suffered miserably while I watched? This is a plan?!?!
And I could go on…. (I think we all have a list of these little sayings.)
Finally, why wasn't Maggie mentioned in his obituary? Yes, I know the obituary is supposed to be about him but, damn it, all the other living in laws were mentioned. Where was my sweetheart? Does she not count anymore because she died? As someone who is particularly protective of her legacy, this stinks.
I feel terrible for thinking all these thoughts. His death and celebration of his life is not about me or my sweet wife and it shouldn't be twisted to be made so. I want to be strong, to be a rock for my grandmother. I want to exemplify what my grandfather taught me: integrity, honor, and respect. Instead, while facing the final stages of a life both long and well lived, I feel weak, selfish and angry. I feel like I've failed both my grandfather and my grandmother.
I try to always close out each of my posts with a bend toward the positive but I’m struggling with this one. Death sucks, even when it can be seen as a “release.” I don’t miss my grandfather any less because he was “released.” I don’t miss Maggie any less because she was “released.” Right now, I’m just angry about both losses, about how people have no clue and how I’m helpless to change anything. I think sometimes some things just suck. Is it ok just to sit with that for a while?
Dearest Chris, thank you for your total honesty and for just saying "some things just suck". It is okay to stay with that. I have read most of your posts and know that you will not be down for too long.
ReplyDeleteMy 85 year old uncle died just before Christmas and I can very much relate to your experience. It all sucks. There, I said it, too!
We all have thoughts that we're either embarrassed about or hate that we had those thoughts in the first place. It's just human nature. I'll bet your grandparents belonged to a church or were active in some groups that organize the food deliveries after someone dies. That could explain why you didn't get the same thing when Maggie died. {{{hugs}}}
ReplyDeleteMy father is a retired minister. When my husband died I turned to my father and told him that I just did not understand his death at all. My father replied “Sometimes things just suck”. Somehow it made me feel better. He did not try to sugar coat it or come up with some theological reason. He just acknowledged my pain and agreed that it was a horrible thing to have happen. So I want you to know that I understand how you feel. You are right… this is just not fair….it sucks… This site helps me by reminding me that I am not alone. It shows me that others have gone through this and survived. They are rebuilding their lives after being dealt a rotten hand. It gives me hope that I can too…
ReplyDeleteYes, Chris, it's very okay to sit with that. I do it all the time. Luckily I don't have any obligation to end my post on a positive note. Most (not all) of the people in my life are gone, as well. I guess because I've changed so much. It does suck.
ReplyDeleteSometimes it is all just too hard and you have nothing left for a little while to give anyone else. Your grandmother understands this and you will be around for her 'after the others have gone'. That will be your contribution. So for now..it's OK to just sit. That's the biggest permission I now give myself....to do what I can, when I can.
ReplyDeleteNot only is it ok to sit with that, but I think it's a crucial part of the grieving process. Some things just aren't comforting. Some things are wrong. Some things are unfair. Some things SHOULDN'T be explained away with platitudes. They just ARE. It takes so much courage to sit with the unfairness of it all and NOT try to make it all better. What's so frustrating about those attempts is that they imply that it CAN be made better.
ReplyDeleteYes honey death does suck,while we are still mourning our loved ones and face other losses it sucks even more. In the last two years since my husband died I have faced other close losses too and they all sucked and all brought back memories and resentments from the time when hubby died too. Nothing I can do about those memories or that sucky feeling while it is happening. It is just another wave to ride.
ReplyDeleteAfter the loss of my much loved "Adopted Dad" I felt the same. When I saw my "Mum" all I could do was hug her and cry with her for both her great loss and mine. Tears, shared tears brought healing to yet another wound on my heart.
Cry for your Grandfather, cry for Maggie, cry for your Grandmother and cry for yourself. Sometimes it is the only way to deal with sucky.... The sun will shine again and you will start to climb out of that pit.
(((HUGS))) and thoughts....
It's totally OK. As a matter of fact, I encourage it. Better to sit with the real feelings and experience them rather than try to push them aside. Life isn't all peaches and cream; sometimes we get screwed and it isn't fair at all. Most of the time, things are great, fantastic even. But every once in a while we get SUCKer punched; some of us more and/or harder than others. But that's life - it's a damn roller coaster ride.
ReplyDeleteAs a biologist, I figure that death is just what happens at the end of life - these comments about "being in a better place" etc. are, I believe, peoples' attempts to make themselves (and, misguidedly, maybe you) feel better about this unavoidable fact. The death of your grandfather leaves a hole in your heart, you will miss him, but death at 90 is expected - at least that's how I felt upon the death of my own 90+ year old grandfather. The death of Maggie was NOT expected,did not make sense, and was incredibly unfair to her and to you. I think once we experience that kind of loss, other losses in our life call up the same feelings, because we just can't take more pain. Your grandmother cared for your grandfather for the sake of her own relationship with him.I'm sure she has been much more concerned that you survive your own profound loss than that you help her with a loss that came at the end of what I presume to be a long and happy life; one that I'm sure she had prayed that you and Maggie would also experience.
ReplyDeleteLove this Claire.
DeleteYes Chris it is. Someties you just have to sit still and hurt.
ReplyDeleteExcellent post, brave words, true...so very true. The words of 'comfort' often are so hallow and until yoy have been there you don't realize not only are they hallow but they are hurtful. Sending tons of positive healing, coping, understanding vibes your way. Losing a love is, in very trite term, hard...losing a hero is too.
ReplyDeleteChris, absolutely it's ok for it to sit like that. Death sucks. Particularly for your Maggie. You were robbed of her life. When my wife died my grandmother outlived lived her by about 2 months. Just don't be hard on yourself about how you feel.
ReplyDeleteThat was the bravest blog post I have ever read. I am sorry for you losses.
ReplyDeleteThat was the bravest blog post I ever read. I am so sorry for your losses.
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