...... or not.
Monday was Jim's birthday. He wasn't here, of course, but it was still his birthday.
I wonder if anyone else remembered?
I almost forgot ...... for a while.
I mean, I knew it was coming ..... I always know that it's coming.
But last week I was in the middle of moving to NYC (part time) and in all of the flurry I didn't think about it while I was there ...... until Saturday. When a widow friend, our kids, and I were walking around the city, talking about big dates ...... like birthdays. (And no, B, that was not a bad thing. :)
And then it surprised me to remember that his was just a couple of days away.
I imagine that most of you, being newer on this road than I am, cannot imagine this. I also imagine that you won't like reading it. I get that. I understand that you cannot, for the life of you, think there will ever be a time when your every thought will not be of your loved one.
And that you never want to not think of him/her.
I really do get that.
And I remember feeling/thinking those exact same feelings/thoughts.
Just try to bear with me.
I also wonder if some widows/widowers would feel guilty for "forgetting" for a while? Maybe earlier on this road I would've.
But not today. Not now. I refuse to let those negative emotions even rear their head around me.
And even if you can't imagine feeling this way, I think that "forgetting" ...... for just a while ...... is a good thing. I think that means that I really am moving forward and enjoying life more.
That in no way means that I'm leaving him behind, but it does mean that he, and his death, don't consume my every moment, my every breath, and my every thought ...... the way they used to.
Five, four or even three years ago I could not imagine this ...... but for that I am very, very grateful.
What's more ...... when I'm in NY I think about him, and his death, far less than I do when I'm here, at home. It's like a completely different existence ...... where there are no closets, no books, or no garage that hold concrete reminders of him ...... and his absence.
That may sound horrible to a widow who's new on this road ...... because she doesn't want to stop thinking about her husband. But after 5 years of more pain than good, I have to say that feeling good definitely outweighs feeling all of that pain. Calm waters vs. the constant tsunamis that threatened to constantly drown me ...... are a welcomed experience.
Besides, it's not forgetting.
It's moving forward.
He's in my heart.
He's in my children.
He's in our memories.
He can never be forgotten.
Or left behind.
He can only be carried with us.
Happy Birthday, Honey.
I miss you more than one would think possible ...... and love you more than that.